just balance like a human pretzel

At yoga today, the instructor said "don't FIND yourself. Let yourself IN." 

I stood there dripping with sweat, heart pounding, and legs feeling like jello 

from some pose I'm trying to learn where you rest your legs on your forearms 

and just balance like some kind of a human pretzel 

(I'm sure my kids would be able to do this like a piece of cake--

this is what I think every time I try to get it right), and it hit me. 

I spent so much time in my twenties trying to figure out who I was, and what do ya know!? 

I've been here all along. Just good ol' Emily, waiting to be let in. 

Or maybe just let out? Either way, here I am in the flesh, 

hot yoga, woo woo plexus and all. 

he looked like he had a rash coming on anyway;)

so giving away the binky on christmas eve was pretty much a disaster.

and by disaster i mean that he wouldn't leave the binky with the cookies.

brennan and max were so supportive.

told him what santa left them when they left their binkies.

brennan even put his hand on chase's shoulder.

it was pretty precious.

even when chase threw brennan's hand off of his shoulder and screamed 

"GET AWAAAAAAY FROM MEEEE!!!!"

i laughed inside a little.

and maybe smiled at brennan.

maybe;)

so sean put dean to bed,

read stories to max and brennan,

and i stayed in front of the christmas tree with crying chase,

trying to get him to leave his binkies for santa for 30 minutes.

then finally, after he had screamed in horror that he wanted to keep his binkies,

and me feeling like i was ruining chase's christmas magic,

we all agreed he could go to sleep with it,

and santa would come in and take the binky out of his bed.

and that is just what we did.

i may or may not be using benedryl to help him fall asleep this week without?

he looked like he had a rash coming on anyway;)

dear santa, more binkies. sincerely the baby man chase ray

me: what is santa going to bring you 

when you leave your binky for him on christmas this week?

chase: more binkies.

this one is gonna be a rough one i think.
he's smart, that's for sure.
my other kids were all sold on the bike.
nobody has ever even THOUGHT to ask for more binkies.
chase's second choice for the binky trade is a lightening mcqueen race track.
i'm going to miss his binky.
it gets him in and out of the shower.
it gets him into the car to get max from kindergarten when i'm in a pinch.
it lets me talk on the phone.
it basically gives me any immediate response like a dead ringer every single time.
and while he's not napping anywhere but in the car on the way home from afternoon carpool,
i'm gonna miss it.
he's gonna miss it.
at least there's always the blue dog.
i just don't think that's gonna be enough to get him back into his bed at 6am when he wakes up to pee.
oh man.
i'm gonna miss that binky.
have i mentioned i'm gonna miss chase's binky???
well i am.
there,
i said it
again.

in other news...

the train is up as of this evening.

which means,

only 5 days left of the train being out.

but who's counting???

just sayin'

5 days and counting.

also, max is a super champ at putting stamps on christmas cards.

this year was quite the stretch to get them out.

i sure hope grandpa's christmas present makes it.

aye, yigh, yigh...we're coming in on the wire this time!

is that a saying?

or did i just make that up?
maybe halfway right?

you get what i'm saying.

dear santa,

please get my christmas cards off and grandpa's present there on time.

xoxo,

emiline

Just like that.

And then all of a sudden everything in the house feels right again. 

I laid on the ground and let the kids decorate the entire tree. I didn't even move a single ornament when they were done. Sean moved some of the more fragile ones to the top. Man alive, I've gotta say, it's much more relaxing when you just sit back and let the cards fall where they may. I don't think I could have done a better job myself. It got darker and darker as they went, and by the end we had a glowing tree with the night in full glory outside. I hope they always want to decorate the tree for me. 

Let us not forget batman. 

We will leave it at that:)

Merry Christmas to all,

And to all a good night!

letters to Beth {once upon a time, the night sweats, & OH CHRISTMAS TREE!}

dear beth,

once upon a time, 

i almost quit nursing.

i had made my peace.

i was satisfied.

i love feeding baby dean bottles.

he nuzzles up into my arms,

looks into my eyes,

and wraps his long legs down and around the curves of my belly.

and just lays.

like a warm lump of soft.

i never wanna do anything, except sit there and watch him gulp.

we didn't quit nursing,

dean gained 2 pounds on breast milk in one month {once it all came back FOR REAL this time},

and my anxiety and post pardom depression i could feel myself slipping into 

after school started...went away.

i think that as moms we think we have to be tired.

like it's some right of passage to be so drained and depleted.

some badge of honor.

a time and season!

this is what i used to say.

this was just part of the job.

and the tired i felt,

sleep couldn't fix.

i had accepted this.

after i would put my kids to bed at night,

i would climb into bed,

read for 2 minutes or less, at which point my eyes would droop into sleep,

almost always with the light on,

sleep for 9 hours {not peacefully},

and dread my children waking me up all night long.

like i literally had a racing beating heart, and felt like i couldn't fall into a deep sleep ever,

because i was so consumed with feeling anxious and exhausted during the day.

it didn't help that maxine was scared of the dark at this time, and some little 5th grade YOU KNOW WHAT at school showed brennan five nights at freddy's on his ipod, 

which caused HIM to be afraid of the dark so he doesn't want to sleep in his basement room anymore,

and chase was sick.

for liiiiiiike a month straight.

it kind of went like this:

pukes

pukes

strep

and i think some kind of cold somewhere in there too.

then brennan got strep.

then i got strep.

it wasn't pretty!

so when my kids would finally come into my room in the mornings,

i would push them away, bc i just didn't want to get up and do it all over again.

and then very grouchily and grumpily i'd drag myself out of bed,

where most days i'd snapped at them over the daily breakfast making 

and lunch making routine everyday.

and felt like i had turned into some complete inauthentic fraud.

where was the emily that loved doing these things for her children?

where was the emily that could take on any task?

clearly, i had left her by the pool at the family yard last summer,

that's where.

it was awful.

awful to not feel like myself.

awful to feel like this was just how it was gonna be.

awful to not be able to keep the gerbil ball from spinning.

but i don't feel this way anymore!

and i'm grateful to have me back.

now, i wake up in the morning happy to face the day.

excited to face the day!

and i feel good enough to have patience, and empathy,

and my kid's friends over again {most of them anyway...eek}.

and i don't have to say "don't talk to me!" when i'm driving in the car.

and i don't have to go to bed with my kids at 9 o'clock at night.

like when i go to bed,

i look forward to the morning because i KNOW i'm gonna feel great.

i don't wake up tired or groggy.

i WAKE UP rested.

even if 4 kids have woken me up 4 different times in the middle of the night.

i don't feel like i'm going to die at 2pm if i don't get a nap.

in fact, i don't even nap anymore,

except for that one time we all had strep. 

aye-yigh-YIGH, that week was rough.

also i had the night sweats, and sean said i stunk,

but not in a mean way,

just in a "i couldn't figure out why our room smelled damp when i got up to pee, 

and then i realized you were all sweaty and THAT was what was making our room smell damp,

and it made me laugh" kind of way.

then he said he figured he owed me for all of his farting in the last 12 years.

this is why i love him. i stinketh not, hahahaha!!!

except when i do...ok so anywaaaaaaay.

when bedtime rolls around,

i fall asleep,

like sometimes even before sean,

then i stay asleep {unless someone wakes me up},

fall back asleep {if someone wakes me up--usually someone ALWAYS wakes me up},

but i don't feel like a truck hit me going 95 on the interstate 

when it's actually TIME to wake up.

i

like

waking

up:)

does this mean i'm never tired? no.

i still like to lay in bed longer on saturdays just 'cause;)

does this mean i'm happy and patient 100% of the time? no.

but 95% of the time.

yes:)

i owe all of this to three things.

are you ready to hear my three things?

here

are 

my

three

things...

1. a father in heaven who speaks.

2. a friend named brooke who listened...and didn't give up.

3. and a little woo woo pink drink that harmonized it all,

with a pretty fancy probiotic and cleanser thing with magnesium and chromium,

that whipped me RIGHT into shape.

i'm drinking the kool-aid:)

except this kool-aid is sweetened with stevia,

makes it so i don't snap at my kids or sean {as much},

OR HAVE HEADACHES in the mornings.

have i ever told you i used to get dizzy in the shower and almost pass out 

if i didn't get enough sleep?

and then i'd feel sick and feel like i was going to puke?

no more, i say!

no more!!!

and also, i don't crave sugar.

and a bunch of other things too.

mmmhmmmm.

that's

what

she

said.

wait WHAAAAAAT??!!??

the WOO WOO worked.

I REPEAT:

the.woo.woo.worked.

over and out ghostrider.

do you copy?

{brennan and sean sung me happy birthday at 6:44am}

...

in other news...

we got our christmas tree,

and dean pooped on me.

i spent the night walking around the christmas tree lot smelling luscious pine,

and dean's poop.

delicious:)

brennan, max, and chase ran around and in between all of the trees screaming at the tops of their lungs.

sean sprung for a new tree stand,

so the tree's not going to fall on me again this year.

remember that?

yeah.

me too.

batman.

i give you

THE TREE

hashtag 2015.

isn't she pretty?

such a full little tree.

i can't wait to get that batman ornament out.

i see his face every time i think of it.

good times.

do you have a tree up yet?

we skipped the german lantern festival last night to get our tree.

the candy bomber was there and pres. utchdorf.

maybe next year we'll make it!

my little german speaker is starting to talk to me more and more.

today he asked for a fruit snack in german,

and then he told me how to say please and thank you.

i couldn't help but BEAM as i put the fruit snacks away in the pantry.

he's really learning german.

and it's amazing.

i'm sending christmas cards out next week!

i LOVE sending christmas cards!!!

is your flat still the same address?

things i learned this week: 

there is no balance. there is only harmony. 

where all of the melodies play together.

i love you!

emiline