WHAT IF

WHAT IF the milk is drying up again,

and WHAT IF Dean and I might just not even like nursing anymore?

(It's so weird how I feel like it's illegal to say you don't like breastfeeding. Especially when you thought you liked it before, and maybe you did, but maybe you don't anymore. I think I might not like breastfeeding anymore.)

Like WHAT IF we actually like bottles? 

And WHAT IF we actually might be considering (I can't believe I'm even saying this) quitting nursing?

At 4 months in. 

Bc we just don't like nursing?

Like I can't even believe I'm saying this, except for you know that whole thing I said about when times are turbulent,

slow down?

And I thought all along that if i just went slow in the beginning we could speed up after a slow start,

And I thought that meant slow down to nurse your baby and make sure you have lots of amazing breastmilk to feed them for an entire year bc that's what you do?

Well, WHAT IF it slowing down means getting rid of something that's just not turning out like you planned?

Like it WAS working,

But maybe now it's not working. 

Maybe it's not done working,

But maybe if it was done working you'd be like, this might actually be better than it working?

And WHAT IF it means you have the chance to do what you never planned,

And WHAT IF the unplanned thing actually turns out to be something better than you planned???

Just saying...

Dean and me,

We're thinking about it. 

necessities.

binky.

burp cloth.

hands together.

i wanna be dean.

in the simple life.

even though they were nothing fancy

today, 

all my dreams came true.

when max got mad at brennan,

for not letting her play freeze tag the way she wanted to.

or maybe he got her out in their imaginary game of baseball?

anyway, she stomped off the field,

sat down in front of me on the bleachers next to dean in his stroller,

and simply asked me,

"will you play with my hair?"

{this is the first time she's ever asked me to do this, you see--and i've basically been waiting for this moment forever and not even KNOWN i was waiting for this moment forever. 

have you ever had one of those before?}

she didn't look up at me.

her eyes were on the boys out in the field the entire time.

her voice was something like aggigated, fed up, and happy to have a reason to sit down all at once.

i will never forget that moment for my whole entire life.

after i french braided her hair twice,

and let it go twice,

she ran over to get her barbie scooter,

and we all walked home.

brennan was yelling at somebody,

chase was crying because he was thirsty,

then max started crying because brennan ran over her left pinky toe with his bike {on accident},

and sean and i were just looking at each other chuckling {we slept really well last night, you see, and when you sleep well, you can handle chaos of this nature with much more humor than if you hadn't},

and i just couldn't help but BEAM from ear to ear.

like i was floating up in the clouds around that park,

but the tennis courts and the water fountain.

these are the days.

the good old days.

right now:)

{you've never seen anybody as fast as chase ray on a trike. he rides it like his HOG. 

like a BOSS on his HOG. i love him for it.}

and somewhere in the middle of all of that,

i looked down at my feet,

and the leaves,

even though they were nothing fancy,

and it all literally took my breath away with dean looking right at me.

i wish every sunday could be this good.

the brennan show

{insert brennan singing a taylor swift song here.}