meat from lunch stuck in my teeth {for all mothers everywhere, or for anyone that can see}

{please note the meat from lunch stuck in my teeth. thank you.}

...

what is a mother?

i am different.

in the book of moses it talks about how adam and eve's eyes were opened.

so they could see things more clearly.

and every time i've changed as a person,

i feel just like that.

like i know a little bit more.

and i understand a little bit more.

and i can never really go back to how it was before.

like when we struggled with infertility.

those were hard years.

i know the look in a woman's face sitting at the 3rd baby shower she's gone to in the month.

watching everyone pick out names, and set up nurseries.

i know the look of that woman fighting back the tears, 

trying to be happy for everyone around her who's pregnant. 

i know that look because i've been that woman.

and when i got pregnant for the first time,

i never forgot what it felt like to be the woman who couldn't.

and it made me a better person.

it made me a woman that saw more clearly.

these are the experiences in our lives that give us the experiences to be whole.

even though it feels like we are missing the pieces along the way.

in the most unexpected way, 17 months ago,

i became a mother that worked from home.

i didn't plan it.

i didn't want it.

and for the first 7 months,

i swore i wasn't even doing it.

it was like i was ashamed to be doing it.

my friend christy told me once that we all have a stick,

and the stick has two sides,

but most of us only want everyone to just see the one side.

part of me felt like if i did this work from home thing,

that everyone would see both sides of my stick.

and that made me feel like i wasn't a "real mom" anymore.

at least not the way i had defined it for so long.

and then one day, i woke up and realized 

that there was something really amazing about doing it.

and if people saw both sides of my stick,

so be it.

because i saw more.

i knew more.

the painful part of it of course

was knowing what it felt like to do it.

because now i knew the look of a woman who forgot 

to drop off the plates, cups, and bowls for teacher appreciation week.

{i heard they ate on napkins that day, and it was no big deal, 

and really i hope that was true.} 

after i got off of the phone with the school secretary that day, 

i consciously apologized in my head to all of the working moms 

i've ever misunderstood in all of my years of being a stay at home mom.

i know the look of a mom that realizes the book report is due tomorrow,

and it's 10:24pm. 

the mom before would have never let this happen.

yep, i get it.

and i hate that i get it.

because i didn't get it before.

and now i'm different.

and i can see better.

sometimes i wish i didn't see as well as i do now.

because what i see most clearly is the person i was before,

and sometimes that can hurt the person that i am now.

you know?

so last night after feeling like i almost needed to cry about it 

{i'm talking about the working mom seeing better thing here},

sean said to me very lovingly, "what is a mother anyway?"

because the way i mother has changed.

i can see that better now.

the core things have stayed the same: 

1. make them feel safe.

2. make them feel loved.

but what about all of the other rituals in between?

the ones that used to define me.

and made me feel confident in my mothering.

the way i used to do it.

a mother nurtures.

she loves.

and above all,

she makes her children feel safe.

this is what i told him.

it made me not cry,

and in the great words of marjorie pay hinckley, 

"i'd rather laugh than cry. crying gives me a headache."

it just made feel good. 

i wasn't laughing, but i wasn't crying,

because i'm still doing those things.

i'm still being a mother.

it might look differently than before,

but i'm still a mother.

i always feel like crying when i've been gone working.

even if i'm working on my couch.

i thought i used to know what mom guilt felt like.

but now i see more.

and sometimes it's a lot to see.

but it makes me better.

and i know the look of that mom.

anyone still with me here???

have you ever been surprised at what you say to yourself 

when you are doing something you never knew you had opinions about?

i've been wrestling with these thoughts i've had. 

about myself. 

and about being a working mom.

and it's been eating away at me to write about it.

because i've wanted to vomit at the thought of writing about it.

maybe because if i don't write about it,

i don't really have to think about it.

but i'm always thinking about it.

i HAVE to write about it.

so i sat there last night thinking about all of the things that i love doing as a mother...

wearing an apron to make dinner,

having a snack ready for the kids after school,

singing songs at bedtime to my children,

reading them stories,

and tucking them in each night.

braiding maxine's hair.

practicing piano.

being the room mom.

meal planning.

pretty much a lot of stuff i can't always do as a working mom.

this is my wrestle.

i've struggled with how to make it all look exactly the way it was before,

with it being completely impossible to make it look EXACTLY the way it was before.

and i think i'm finally starting to settle into just letting it look how it looks,

without worrying about how it looked before.

kind of like when you have your 4th baby,

and the family is changed forever.

and it takes a year to work that new baby in, but somehow you get a handle on it,

and you're more experienced as a mother than you were before.

you figure out how to shower, do the laundry, make the dinners,

and get the homework done.

some days that's pretty, and some days it's not.

but you still go on.

and you see more.

it makes you better.

it makes you more whole.

and the moms with 3 kids don't get it.

you're different.

not better than them.

just different.

because you see more.

we had a 5th baby, and it's name was plexus.

most people don't get to see something like that.

it's a lot of see.

and deep down i'm grateful to see it.

because i know that god brought this into my life for a greater purpose 

than anything i could have ever imagined.

but sometimes it's hard to see something that a lot of people have never seen.

it still makes me better.

not better than them.

just better than i was before.

and it still makes me more whole.

because i see more.

that looks different because i am different.

which i'm pretty sure is what god has wanted all along.

there's more to this story, but that's for another day {maxine turns 7}

Happy Birthday 🎂🎈🎁🎉 to my little miss Max!!! Things about Maxine you should know...She loves #emoji 😍💕👸🏼, shopkins, making arts 🎭 and crafts 🎨, #shopping 🛍, #dance 👯, and riding bikes 🚲. Her nickname is HP. It stands for Hell 👹👸🏼Princess. She doesn't know that's what it stands for, but she will flip on a dime and you won't even know what hit you 😳👸🏼👹. One time when she was 2 ✌🏻️, she and Brennan took two bags of pb and regular #chocolate 🍫 chips out on the tramp. It was hot. They melted. I used to think Brennan was the one causing the trouble bc he's older, but we now know the common denominator for events such as this is always Max 😂🙈. It's just her gift 🎁 to always be thinking and creating and planning. It may look like mischief now, but I know it's going to take her big places all through life 🙌🏻💕. She's learning to play piano 🎹, and her teacher tells me she's in the lead for practicing minutes. Every day she sets a timer ⏲ on #Alexa , and we go down to the keyboard in the basement to take turns practicing together 🎶. She's a perfectionist, and I #love watching her wrestle and learn through it #thestruggleisreal 😳. When she gets hungry, watch out. She'll eat hot 🔥 lunch, but asks for home 🏡 lunch 🍴 about once a month, and this all came about because Brennan was going through the hot lunch line 🌮🌭🍗 #adventuresinhomelunch every day without asking, and eating his home lunch too, which went unnoticed for about three months until max ratted him out and it alllllllll made sense 😂. There's more to this story, but that's for another day 🙈. So now I've just succumbed, and basically they know they've won and are in charge #thestruggleisreal ✌🏻️. At bedtime she asks me to scratch her back and tickle her arms and face. She loves to read chapter books 📚 "quiet and in her head," and her teachers tell me that if they could just have a room full of Maxine's, the world 🌎 would be a perfect place. I love you #littleMissMax 💕👸🏼😍!!!

but without all of the static {those Chocolate Whipping Cream Bowls & Red Velvet PB cookie recipes!}

Chocolate Whipping Cream Bowls

INGREDIENTS:

1pkg Chocolate Almond Bark

8-10 balloons {blown up softball size}

1qt Heavy Whipping Cream, powdered sugar

Berries, Chocolate Sauce, Mint for garnish

DIRECTIONS:

Make Chocolate Bowls:

Blow up the balloons (you want them small and round, like little bowls). 

Next, carefully dip each balloon (about 1/2 to 3/4 of balloon) into the melted chocolate and set on top of the chocolate disks on parchment paper.

Let set in fridge for about 30 minutes.

After 30 minutes take the cookie sheets out and let the bowls sit for about 5-10 minutes. While pinching the tops of the balloon snip or poke a hole to release the air…SLOWLY. 

Hopefully, the balloon will release freely. If it doesn’t, do not pull the balloon away from chocolate just let it sit for a few more minutes and the chocolate should release the balloon on its own.

The bowls are delicate. Keep the bowls on the cookie sheet and put back in fridge.

Make whipped cream as directed.

Spoon whipped cream into chocolate bowls, top with berries. YUM!

...

i can't even wrap my 

head around this day.

i've been to Good Things Utah 7 times in the last 8 months,

and I LOVE these people ahhh!

i love cooking for people.

just standing around in a kitchen is my dream come true.

i love to do things with my hands, and pour into people,

and i'm convinced that there's no better place to do that than a kitchen haha!

Good grief...

i remember struggling when my sugar cravings went away 16 months ago.

it was like i didn't know how to connect with my food people if i didn't have those passions for food like i'd always had.

it has been the weirdest thing.

because i just can't connect with you about feeling bloated after the super bowl...

because i'm not.

in fact, i haven't felt bloated once in over a year.

not even you know when!

i can't relate to waking up tired.

or being an insomniac.

i can't relate to being in a sugar coma.

i mean i can, 

because i remember living in that rollercoaster since at least middle school,

but now i can't.

{sometimes i'll still eat something fun, 

like that whipping cream 

chocolate bowl thing up there. 

i had some of that today just for fun. 

i couldn't take more than a few bites, but i ate it because why not.

and sometimes when we go out to dinner i'll have a dr. pepper just for the bubbles.

but i can't ever finish it. and sometimes it give me a headache.

and i tell sean to remind me that my body doesn't like sugar anymore ok? ok}.

maybe that sounds silly to you,

but to me, i had this inner struggle over it all.

almost like a writer's block.

because i was that, and i remember that,

but i'm not that, so where did i fit now?

i felt like there was this part of me that had disappeared,

but not because i couldn't have it,

but because i didn't want it.

it was like this part of me was in limbo,

mostly alone,

and i couldn't quite figure out how to get it back.

when i didn't want it back,

at least not the way it was before.

i could feel deep down inside that what i had was something even better.

i think that some people look at me now and think i deprive myself.

how can she REALLY look at that and not want it.

{well my friends, that's for another post LOL,

or just go scroll through my instagram ok? ok.

@emiemiemi82 ya'll.}

i really just don't crave sugar.

sometimes i wish i did.

i miss it.

but not in the way you think.

soooooo not in the way you might think.

what i DO NOT miss is waking up tired.

being controlled by my sugar cravings.

never having energy.

taking hours to fall asleep at night,

waking up anxious at a pin dropping,

my hair falling out,

my clothes never feeling like they fit right,

and being dependent on ice cream and sugar to calm me down at the end of the day,

or perk me up in the afternoon.

#sugaraddict

so when you hear me say i miss ice cream,

or whipping cream,

or living to eat in general,

it's not because i'm abstaining from it,

or not letting myself have it.

and it's not because i'm just "lucky to be skinny with a great metabolism either."

{it's called blood sugar balance fyi}.

and it's because i truly don't want it.

i don't need it.

it's like my entire relationship to food has evolved into something more powerful than before.

it's like this deeper need to take care of my body is there. 

in a way that i couldn't understand before 

because it used to be all about filling something,

rather than regenerating something.

it's like i can hear myself more clearly now,

because i'm not drowning it out with static.

{and i'm not saying that if you like sugar that you are the opposite of everything i have just said,

insert a positive affirmation for yourself here ok? ok},

so i've had this inner turmoil and struggle about missing everything that had defined me before with it, to that being gone now because the essence of it had changed all around me.

and even though i'm better for it,

it was like there was this mourning of it.

i think that comes any time a piece of you changes.

evolves.

and this is where today comes in.

because today i realized that i've recreated it,

in a completely different way.

it's like i've circled back around.

almost like a mom that had her first baby.

or her 2nd.

or her third.

and then her fourth.

and there's that reckoning and adjusting phase.

you moms know what i'm talking about.

and even if you don't have children,

i know you've been through change in the way i'm talking about.

in the same way,

just a different chapter of the book.

you men too! we can't forget about you men too ;)

where you have to find your new normal.

and you're not quite sure when it's going to come,

or how you're going to find it.

until it's there.

because there's something so present in your life that changed everything 

the way you thought you knew it.

it's like i've come back around and found where i was,

in a whole new place.

the same.

but different.

all at once.

and i get to share this amazing part of me,

that i've always dreamed of sharing in this way,

but in completely different way than i could have ever IMAGINE'd it.

and i just can't explain how satisfying it is to be here.

living inside everything i never knew could be.

inside of this person that's been here all along.

still loving on people,

in my kitchen.

but without all of the static.

i think it's also called your mid thirties.

whichever.

what happens when you twirl the balloon in the hot chocolate too soon?

it explodes chocolate all over you,

your computer,

your toaster,

your pajamas,

your hair,

your kitchen floor and cabinets 

{p.s. they're white}

and then you spend the next hour using a toothpick to pick it out from in between the keys on the keyboard LOL!

really though, it could have been worse.

and i'll never forget what it looked like as wet chocolate was spraying

ALL OVER ME EVERYWHERE.

maybe one of my favorite cookie memories ever.

at 12:45am on a sundee night.

Peanut Butter Red Velvet Blossoms

INGREDIENTS:

1 bag Hershey's Kisses

pinch salt

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 1/2 cups all purpose flour

3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa

1 teaspoon red gel food coloring {Red Velvet at Harmon's by the birthday candles!}

2 teaspoons vanilla

2 tablespoons milk

1 egg

1 1/3 cups sugar

3/4 cup creamy peanut butter

1/2 cup (1 stick) butter, room temperature

1/4 cup red sanding sugar

DIRECTIONS:

Heat oven to 375

1. Beat butter, peanut butter, and sugar in stand mixer for about 2 minutes on medium speed. Turn mixer to low and add in egg, milk, vanilla, and red food coloring. Mix for about 30 seconds to incorporate, then turn mixer to medium high and blend until light and fluffy.

2. In a separate bowl sift cocoa, flour, baking soda and salt. With mixer on slow add flour mixture to sugar mixture and beat until just combined.

3. Remove mixer bowl from stand. Shape dough into 1 inch balls. Pour red sanding sugar onto small plate or bowl. Roll dough ball in sanding sugar and place on prepared cookie sheet about 2 inches apart.

4. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes.

5. While baking unwrap Hershey\'s Kisses. Once cookies are done baking, remove from oven and immediately press a chocolate Kiss into the center of each cookie. The cookie should crack around edges.

6. Allow cookies to cool to room temperature.

Cupid's Floats

Cherry 7up

Vanilla Ice Cream

Red Vines

Pour. Top with Ice Cream. Insert Straw.

It fizzes. Plan for that. It's fun.

You're welcome:)

...

email me at emilygibson82@yahoo.com

BE A PATRIOT.

BE a Patriot 🙌🏻🏈🇺🇸‼️ This #cheerleader tunes into the #SuperBowl for the commercials, but oh my word THIS GAME TONIGHT!!!! I am truly #inspired ✨ by watching a team come back from the largest deficit in Super Bowl 🏈 history. I am SURE that the Falcons 🐦 thought they would win that game, and I THOUGHT the Patriots were thinking that they were going to lose bc when the stats say you have a 99.6% chance of losing, most people would probably think why even try? BUT the fact that they just WON that game shows me that the #Patriots 💙🇺🇸🏈 did NOT #believe they were going to loose that game, even though they were down 19 points in the 4th quarter. They BELIEVED they were going to win. Even when everything proved they would lose, THEY WON. They did this with positive thinking. What in your life makes you feel like you're 19 points down in the 4th quarter? Sometimes as a #mom , that's me 🙋🏼. Yesterday we forgot about Max's friend's birthday 🎉 party. She's also missing something like 9 #homework assignments. My #kids are the rowdiest kids in the entire congregation at #church ⛪️ (no really, I'm not exaggerating). And I'm pretty sure Chase will never learn to follow directions ever #thebabyman 🙈. Where did all of this negative thinking get me? NOWHERE. I am choosing right here and now, to come back from this 19 point deficit this weekend called #motherhood in this #gibsonhouseofchaos TONIGHT, because ain't nobody got time in this 4th quarter called #life to waste another minute in negative thinking 🙌🏻👏🏻😜🏈💙🇺🇸.

one squirt at a time

Chase was here 😳😂🙈. He says "Dean told him he needed more sauce." YEAH, dean doesn't talk pal #iwannabedean 👶🏼💙 #nomnom#momlife #picasso . Fostering creativity and #art 🎨 one squirt of ketchup ❤️ at a time 😂😂😂✌🏻 #gibsonhouseofchaos

not throwing in the towel yet

Not even #dryshampoo could save me today 😳😂😜. I'm getting to #hotyoga tonight even if it kills me 😍👏🏻🙌🏻👙‼️ Can't be wasting a shower 🚿 the morning of 😂😂😂. P.S. I've concluded that natural deodorant is basically just perfume for your pits 😂😳. Nothing more, nothing less. Not sure if we will survive the #summer ☀️🔥🌴🌊💦 at this rate, but ya can't say I didn't try 😂 #notthrowinginthetowelyet#isthereanoilforthat #whenyouknowmore#doBETTER#orkeeptryinguntilyougettoostinkyinsummerandthentryagaininthefall#AForeffortright #right 😂🙈.

wolf in sheep's clothing

When you make breakfast 🍳 for dinner and you can't figure out why the bacon tastes off 🤔, so you pull the wrapper out of the garbage and it says "pork slices" 😂😂😂. It looked just like bacon (until it didn't), but no, it was pork chop strips. It was bacon imposters! Have you ever even heard of these before??? I mean really, talk about a wolf in sheep's clothing!

yogini

Don't know why I don't do this every single day 😍🙌🏻💕🙏🏻 #yogini#yogi #yogisofinstagram or whichever name you'd like to call me is good 😂. I #love everyone and the world 🌎 is at peace #thatshowifeelafteryoga #amen 😍🙏🏻 My #momlife is even better when I get this 90 minutes of #hotyoga once a week, and there's nothing like coming out into 35*

when the kids are away...

While Max is away...

CHANGE

Being involved in social selling can be hard at times. It truly takes a lot of faith, bravery, boldness and personal growth for people to not give up 🙌🏻💕 #nevergiveup . Most people are ok with starting an #etsy shop or other type of business, but not willing to partner with a social selling company that has profit sharing built in with little start up. 🤔Soooooo...why? Why did I put myself through some of that?!! Because....

it only takes ONE person, who's life you truly CHANGE, to make it all worth it, and you stop caring about what other people think and focus on changing lives 🙌🏻 .... what if what I say is true?? I'll tell you the hardest part of my job is seeing people complain about not having money, not being able to take a real vacation, moms complaining about no energy, being sick etc etc...but are not willing to give Plexus a try! 😩 I'm over here like 🙋hello!!!! I know I can help you! #whatifplexuscouldchangeeverything - it has for us and many on my team!!!!