altered outfit, mid-day, hurray!

i won a contest!!!

and my prize arrived today!

i was so excited i threw it on over what i was wearing.

i plan on wearing it the rest of the day.

and to bed.

thank you snarky!

(and snarky's brother)

brennan thought he had won something too;-)

where do you think he got that facial expression from????

hmmm....

"a pirate's life for me!" saavy?

yellow cake with chocolate frosting.

that's how we roll.

time: 7:25pm

status: tired

the following occured...

did you know it took us 2 years to get pregnant with brennan?

it did.

thank you clomid. (did i spell that right? or is there an "h" in there???)

thank you Father in Heaven.

for 2 years my heart ached. i know, dramatic, but really, i wanted to be a mother more than anything. i was so afraid i would never be able to be pregnant. ironic too b/c once i was pregnant i didn't fancy it as much as i thought i would. now that i'm not pregnant it seems so magical again. it must be that glow from afar;-)

everyone kept saying, "oh, but you're so young! enjoy this time, it will happen."

so easy to say. not so easy to hear.

the tears, OH the tears!

everywhere i looked i saw babies. everyone i knew seemed to be having a baby (i lived in idaho. rexburg, idaho. there are lots of babies there.).

i taught 3rd grade in rexburg. i loved my students. i poured my heart and soul into their success. it was a great year.

i can remember feeling like i would die if i had to go to one more baby shower. after my 7th friend (yes, 7th, who happened to be family) told me she was pregnant i had to pass the phone off with an excuse. i could barely hold the tears in. it's still tender to write about...mainly b/c i know my family is reading what i'm writing;-).

i prayed, attended the temple, searched for strength, received strength. strength i have drawn upon in the past year. strength that has continued to grow.

yet, i'm still nervous. nervous for those emotions to return.

despite the level of difficulty a big family brings, i want nothing more than lots of little kids running around my house. this is scaring sandie;-) it's not for everyone, and maybe it's not for me, but for now, it's my dream. i like my dream. maybe because i was an only child (this can be a confusing statement b/c i talk about my brother and sister on my blog. they are step siblings that i grew up with). i love having people around me. i love my alone time, but i absolutely love being surrounded by people. now, i'm not talking 14 kids people. i KNOW i don't want 14 kids;-) it's just not for me.

i don't know how many i want. sometimes i think about all of the reasons it took us 2 years to get brennan. there have been so many insights i've gained. so many lessons i've learned. some to share, some to not.

to share: i love motherhood. (deep breaths family ,deep breaths)

let me dream for now:-) it feels good to dream. i'm not having all of them at once.

just one at a time.

and we'll see.

i know for sure that being a mother has changed my life. it's made me a better person. a stronger woman. it has pushed me to change in ways i never thought possible. to be more tired than i knew existed. to feel successes and failures in the same moments. to put someone else first, above and beyond serving my sean. i love my sean. i don't want to leave him out of the puzzle. he is the finishing piece.

so tonight, i'm laying it all out.

why?

b.c i like you;-)

whoa baby!!!

this pic on my due date just doesn't do my belly justice.

i also took pics in my binki right after this one.

oh boy!!!!

really, i looked like i had twins in there.

my doctor referred to it as "all baby."

at 41 weeks i was induced.

dr. nielson predicted an 8lb. baby. i guessed 8.5, sean 8.2, the nurse 7.14 (bless her).

we all had to pick our mouths up off of the floor when this came out...

we're so glad we had him!!!

note: dr. nielson apologized for not doing a c-section. he had no idea my pelvis could handle brutus! go me:-)

birthday breakfast!

yummm!!!

so glad i'm home for my birthday!

dear pork loin,

you've changed us forever!

thank you for making our lives better.

we are so glad you are in our family.

you are such a cutie pie.

you had 2 inches of dark black hair when you were born.

you've had 7 hair cuts.

you sleep 12 hours.

you smile, laugh, dance, & toddle with your walker.

you eat almost anything.

you notice everything!

your favorite thing is "hurley monkey."

you get really excited for bath time.

you hate having your nose sucked (don't we all??).

you LOVE when dad comes home.

you slurp noodles, so cute.

you open your mouth REALLY wide to eat.

you have the chubbiest, most darling thighs EVER!

you love the outside.

you commando crawl on your tummy, but waited until 10 1/2 mo. to do it!

you turn the pages of the book when we read to you.

you learned how to stand up in your crib at primary children's hospital (11mo. & 3 1/2 weeks old).

you spent 64 hrs. at primary children's hospital with RSV last week.

you love dogs, real ones. A LOT.

you make high pitch barks when you see real dogs on tv...and in real life.

you love watching dog shows on tv.

you cried 4-5 hrs. a day for the first 9 weeks of your life.

your aunt natalie helped us sleep train you at 9 weeks old.

you go right to bed in your own crib without crying.

you dance with your fingers to music any time you hear it.

you love music.

you love to be held.

you love babies and kids.

you say "mama," "gaggee," "hi," "ow," "woah," "baba" (although you don't know what "baba" means, you babble it when you play).

you pump your legs when you are excited.

you love to play with mom and dad's cell phones.

you love grandma's house (both of them).

you don't mind having water poured over your head in the tub.

you were breastfed for 1 year!!!!!!!

you are not allergic to anything...so far.

you steal toys from people you play with.

you love to do things you are not supposed to do, especially when mommy says "yucky."

you have the chubbiest cheeks!

you have Michelin tire arms.

oh we LOVE your rolls!!!

you have a big fat big toe.

you have a birth mark between your eyes.

you got your first tooth at 10 mo.

you have your two bottom teeth in & both top teeth on their way in.

you like to cuddle after naps.

you LOVE to play with "gaggee's" face, especially his nose.

you love people singing to you.

you know how to drink from a straw, but not sippy cups.

you learned to feed yourself at 10 months old.

you love playing peek-a-boo.

you have your mom's lips and your dad's ears.

everyone says you look like your dad, but mom sees a lot of her in you too.

you randomly growl.

you babble, sometimes very loud.

you always charm the laddies, they love you.

you have LOTS of nicknames: pork loin, quarter pounder, & cheeks, are most recent.

when you were a baby we called you: bug, grinch (you looked like the grinch when you cried at 4am, i swear!), ace (you had crazy hair like ace ventura), & baby brennan.

we made up a song for everything when you were a baby to get you to stop crying ("boucning baby brennan, brennan, brennan, bouncing baby brennan, bounce, bounce, bounce...").

you love mommy and daddy.

& we love you!

mom & dad

letters to the goddesses

dear blogging goddesses,
it's my birthday tomorrow. did you know that? i've been sneaking around the house trying to find the presents mom has hidden from me. i've already unwrapped part of some that were in the corner on the floor. books! i hope there are more where that came from:-) i am a little wheezy today, but slept 12 hours last night. i never even woke up once! mom and dad were so happy. i could tell they were happy b/c when mom came into my room this morning she was smiling and clapping. i just kept jumping up and down in my crib. she thinks i'm so cute. dad, i'm sorry i made you late for school this morning, but i hope you enjoyed your guilt free sleeping in! it's not your fault i didn't wake up early. just have your teacher squeeze my cheeks, all will be forgiven;-)

i am very glad to be home. i missed my little red piano and walks around the coffee table. mom told me i'm not allowed to play with kids under 3 or go to the store for awhile. madison, please don't go out with any other guys while i'm getting better. i still get to have birthday cake, but only with the really tall people who are not sick. i get to go to grandma's today while mommy gets her hair done. i heard her tell daddy last night that she needed to get out for a couple of hours. she painted her toes red today too! so shiny! i love to grab her piggies, that's what mom calls them.

mom says it's time to eat and you know how much i hate to miss a meal! i hope you have the loveliest of days ladies;-)

love,
the pork loin

home home home

taking my daily stroll around my crib rocked!

one last meal before going home:-)

i know, i spelled quesadilla wrong,

just pretend i did it on purpose.

"droplet restriction," that's what he was on.

rsv is spread by secretions.

that means, drool, boogers, coughing, sneezing.

all equalling 64 hours in one little room.

he was such a trooper!
...

things brennan learned to do at PCH:

1. stand up & bounce in crib (uh oh)

2. say "hi"

3. get jiggy with it to farm music, such a darling little dancer (see video below)

4. sleep in tons of noise, TONS

5. completely feed himself (mr. independent does not want help anymore)

6. arm gestures for "uh-oh"

more tomorrow the bachelor is on!!!

couped up

have you ever been couped up somewhere?
we are couped up.
rsv is a respiratory infection and is highly contagious.
brennan is not allowed to leave his room. ever.
that means no walks down the hall.
no sunshine.
no fresh air.
i didn't think one could actually survive without these things.
all hospital personnel have to wear masks, gloves, and these lovely yellow smocks.
when brennan sees them put on the yellow smocks he starts crying and reaches for sean and i.
he knows what's coming with the yellow smocks.
i'm hiding with sean's laptop, down some hallway on the 3rd floor.
it's quiet and surprisingly doesn't smell like a hospital.
if i'm feeling sad for brennan i just walk down this hallway.
there is a playroom for children with long term illnesses...makes brennan look pretty darn healthy.
some good news for today...
brennan has been taken off of IV fluids:-)
his IV is still in as a precaution, but has not been used since yesterday afternoon.
they took him off of the IV fluids after one of his diapers weighed in at 4 pounds.
4lbs!!!
brennan's nurse has been trying to ween him off of his oxygen today.
he is down to .25
translation=lowest amount of oxygen you can be on:-)
good thing too b/c he has resorted to pulling off every tube attached to him today.
he has not needed the deep suction at all, just the snazzy bulb.
the doc says the only thing holding us here is the oxygen.
his lungs sound great, i am told.
still some wheezing.
the nurse thinks we'll be out of here tomorrow morning:-)
i just saw a little boy in hospital jammies walking with his IV pole down the hall...makes me realize that i took my healthy childhood for granted.
brennan has the same hospital jammies.
boy do i have a darling picture for you!
they tie in the back, so cute.
no cord to upload my pictures:-(
i've grown as a parent this week.
all of a sudden i don't feel 16 anymore.
i feel 35.
to me, 35 means you're adult.
a grown up.
at the expense of a 2 mile post i will end.
my hall is getting noisy, and i'm pretty sure sean might need a break from the coup.
don't get me wrong, the coup is great.
the coup saved my little brennan's life.
we LOVE the coup.
but sometimes you've just gotta fly the coup!
tWo notes before i go:
1. the rasberry lemonade in the cafeteria knocks my socks off, especially with a few squirts of fresca--wowza!
2. i can't find the ":" on my new phone. only the ";" so if you get only winks from me in texts when a smile would be more fitting, just know i'm a 100% winker now;-)
p.s.
what in the crap is going on in the world??!!
i haven't seen tv since thursday.