be still my soul {applebee's blondie copycat recipe}

"it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." 

-E.E. Cummings

...

this morning i couldn't find max anywhere.

i looked in the sandbox, on the tramp, on the slides around the corner.

not a peep in the yard.

absolutely quiet.

no max to be found.

so then i did a sweep of the house.

still no max.

at which point i knew for sure that she was drawing on the AC unit with chalk again.

blue chalk.

and as i was coming around the south corner of the house ready to scold her i found 

nada.

nothing.

zilch.

zero.

no max.

and then i saw them.

across the yard.

two little blonde buns popping up out of the grassy weeds where i grew corn last summer.

max.

reading her kid magazine.

carefree and fancy free.

so quiet and still.

my inner arachnophobia impulses were SCREAMING inside of me.

i fought the urge to project them.

and then there were two after i put the whites into the dryer.

be still my soul.

that was what i was thinking. 

"nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to learn." 

-pema chodron

......

my biggest struggle lately as a mother is wanting to fix everything for everyone.

fix their disagreements.

fix their scraped knees.

fix their spoon that just knocked their cereal bowl full of milk onto the CARPET under my kitchen table.

fix why chase is crying.

fix why max is crying.

fix why brennan is torturing max.

and chase.

fix through time outs.

fix through hugs.

fix through stern "talkings to."

yep, totally just made that one up.

fix through distraction.

all in my mothering bag of tricks.

and the list goes on and on.

it runs my patience thin.

and my struggle up in my head is this daily fight within myself 

of knowing or not knowing when to fix it 

and when to leave things be.

it's something that only i can decide.

just me and my heart.

sometimes it's a lonely and insecure place to be.

full of self doubt and criticism.

other times it's full of good old fashioned healthy pride.

and in the good way of pride. 

the proud kind of good pride. 

where you're beaming with self satisfaction.

bursting with accomplishment and self confidence.

b/c you know you are kicking it today.

or at least in the last 5 minutes.

{which can all flip as fast as a tornado in kansas.}

sometimes i tell them what to say to each other to patch up a big fight,

other times i point them in the opposite direction of me toward each other, 

and tell them to work it out by themselves.

they don't like that very much.

but i do:)

i love to see them figure out the world.

i don't love to see them fight like flesh eating piranhas.

sometimes i think, "yeah, that worked."

other times i see a big fat F across my forehead.

ok, a LOT of times i see a big fat F across my forehead.

and i'm beginning to learn that this is what the nitty gritty of what motherhood is all about.

never knowing if you're doing it right.

sometimes knowing you're doing it completely right,

and other times knowing you're doing it utterly and completely wrong.

or at least you suspect you might be.

and this quest for perfection in all things,

it's a myth.

there is no such thing.

"what screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be."

i think this quote applies to motherhood too.

there is no right way.

there is no one way.

there is just your heart's way.

there is no perfection in the sense of perfect.

perfection in motherhood is when you've meet the end of the day,

in the grand finale of it all,

and you say to yourself,

"self, today was another day we learned things about our self and about each other. 

and we did it together. and tomorrow we will do it all over again.

and it will be good. or it will be bad, but it will be nevertheless."

"as you create a home, don't get distracted with a lot of things 

that have no meaning for you or your family. 

don't dwell on your failures, but think of your successes. 

have joy in your home. have joy in your children. have joy in your husband. 

be grateful for the journey."

-marjorie pay hinckley

and so, me and my heart will carry on,

b/c that is the only place to start when mothering.

your heart.

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right--

for you'll be criticized anyway." 

-Eleanor Roosevelt

......................................................

these help too.

b/c we can always resolve any differences over them:)

applebee's blondie

{copycat}

dough ingredients

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/8 tsp baking soda

1/8 tsp salt

1 cup flour, sifted

1/4 cup chopped walnuts 

{i was out of walnuts, but they still tasted amazing without}

1/3 cup butter, melted to liquid

1 cup packed brown sugar

1 egg

1 tbls vanilla extract

1/2 cup white chocolate chips

maple butter sauce

3/4 cup maple syrup

{REAL maple syrup is the best, i used pancake syrup b/c it's what i had}

1/2 cup butter, melted to liquid

1/4 cup walnuts, chopped {optional, i left them out}

directions 

for dough:

1. preheat oven to 350*

2. sift flour 

{max's favorite part}

3. add baking powder, baking soda, and salt to already sifted flour.

4. sift all dry ingredients again.

{if you don't have a sifter, i say just throw it all in and forget the sifting, but if you have a sifter, use it}

5. add chopped nuts and mix well {i skipped this step this time}

6. add brown sugar, melted butter, egg, and vanilla extract. mix well.

7. add flour mixture half at a time until mixed well.

8. stir in white chocolate chips.

9. spread out dough in a 9-in pan {mine was 8x8, small}

10. bake for 30 minutes {stick center with fork to check if it's done}

11. serve warm with vanilla ice cream {i used cookie dough} and maple butter sauce.

directions

for maple butter sauce:

{max while brownies are cooking}

1. melt butter in a pan, add maple syrup and brown sugar.

2. stir until completely dissolved.

3. add more walnuts if you must.

-recipe-a-la-pinterest-

tried and tested,

by yours truly.

and kid approved.

you're welcome:)

max was my A+ sifter tonight.

sifting always reminds me of grandma max.

it's something i never take the time do,

but today i was glad i did.

mostly b/c of max.

both of them:)

...

"you can be excellent in every way. you can be first class. there is no need for you to be a scrub. 

respect yourself. do not feel sorry for yourself. do not dwell on unkind things others may say about you. polish and refine whatever talents the lord has given you. go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great and strong purpose in your heart." 

-gordon b. hinckley