"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

like some mellow dramatic page had turned inside of me {dean}

i sat outside with my kids in the sun after school.
putting the batman cape on dean about 50 times to try to take a picture of him wearing it,
and he just kept tearing it off.
i kept holding the camera up and then putting it on him to see if i could snap a pic before he tore it off.
didn't work.
so we sat there in the sun.
grass in our toes.
feeling like it's summer.
and it hit me.
dean is the baby.
for the first time ever,
i felt it.
what the other moms talk about when they say they are done.
i don't know, maybe i'm not done, maybe it was a fluke,
but today, i sat there staring at dean with chase slurping a grape popsicle {me worrying he would get it on my new white capri jeans},
brennan jumping on the tramp with ross,
and maxine taking a shower inside,
and i just felt like everything in my heart was satisfied.
like some mellow dramatic page had turned inside of me.
and i was happy.
this baby.
he melts me.
more than any other baby i've had before.
he cuddles his little auburn head into the nook of my neck and lays there for minutes.
looooooong drawn out minutes.
when he gets hurt,
usually from one of the big kids body slamming him,
or slamming the knight castle or bat cave into his nose {they drew blood today on the poor chap},
he does this cry that breaths in fast three times with a whimper at the end,
and i can't help but think there won't ever be a person on the planet that will need me like that ever again.
and it's heaven.
god gave me heaven.
with the four little gibbies and sean sean.

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