"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Friday, December 4, 2015

letters to Beth {once upon a time, the night sweats, & OH CHRISTMAS TREE!}

dear beth,
once upon a time, 
i almost quit nursing.
i had made my peace.
i was satisfied.
i love feeding baby dean bottles.
he nuzzles up into my arms,
looks into my eyes,
and wraps his long legs down and around the curves of my belly.
and just lays.
like a warm lump of soft.
i never wanna do anything, except sit there and watch him gulp.
we didn't quit nursing,
dean gained 2 pounds on breast milk in one month {once it all came back FOR REAL this time},
and my anxiety and post pardom depression i could feel myself slipping into 
after school started...went away.
i think that as moms we think we have to be tired.
like it's some right of passage to be so drained and depleted.
some badge of honor.
a time and season!
this is what i used to say.
this was just part of the job.
and the tired i felt,
sleep couldn't fix.
i had accepted this.
after i would put my kids to bed at night,
i would climb into bed,
read for 2 minutes or less, at which point my eyes would droop into sleep,
almost always with the light on,
sleep for 9 hours {not peacefully},
and dread my children waking me up all night long.
like i literally had a racing beating heart, and felt like i couldn't fall into a deep sleep ever,
because i was so consumed with feeling anxious and exhausted during the day.
it didn't help that maxine was scared of the dark at this time, and some little 5th grade YOU KNOW WHAT at school showed brennan five nights at freddy's on his ipod, 
which caused HIM to be afraid of the dark so he doesn't want to sleep in his basement room anymore,
and chase was sick.
for liiiiiiike a month straight.
it kind of went like this:
and i think some kind of cold somewhere in there too.
then brennan got strep.
then i got strep.
it wasn't pretty!
so when my kids would finally come into my room in the mornings,
i would push them away, bc i just didn't want to get up and do it all over again.
and then very grouchily and grumpily i'd drag myself out of bed,
where most days i'd snapped at them over the daily breakfast making 
and lunch making routine everyday.
and felt like i had turned into some complete inauthentic fraud.
where was the emily that loved doing these things for her children?
where was the emily that could take on any task?
clearly, i had left her by the pool at the family yard last summer,
that's where.
it was awful.
awful to not feel like myself.
awful to feel like this was just how it was gonna be.
awful to not be able to keep the gerbil ball from spinning.
but i don't feel this way anymore!
and i'm grateful to have me back.
now, i wake up in the morning happy to face the day.
excited to face the day!
and i feel good enough to have patience, and empathy,
and my kid's friends over again {most of them anyway...eek}.
and i don't have to say "don't talk to me!" when i'm driving in the car.
and i don't have to go to bed with my kids at 9 o'clock at night.
like when i go to bed,
i look forward to the morning because i KNOW i'm gonna feel great.
i don't wake up tired or groggy.
i WAKE UP rested.
even if 4 kids have woken me up 4 different times in the middle of the night.
i don't feel like i'm going to die at 2pm if i don't get a nap.
in fact, i don't even nap anymore,
except for that one time we all had strep. 
aye-yigh-YIGH, that week was rough.
also i had the night sweats, and sean said i stunk,
but not in a mean way,
just in a "i couldn't figure out why our room smelled damp when i got up to pee, 
and then i realized you were all sweaty and THAT was what was making our room smell damp,
and it made me laugh" kind of way.
then he said he figured he owed me for all of his farting in the last 12 years.
this is why i love him. i stinketh not, hahahaha!!!
except when i do...ok so anywaaaaaaay.
when bedtime rolls around,
i fall asleep,
like sometimes even before sean,
then i stay asleep {unless someone wakes me up},
fall back asleep {if someone wakes me up--usually someone ALWAYS wakes me up},
but i don't feel like a truck hit me going 95 on the interstate 
when it's actually TIME to wake up.
does this mean i'm never tired? no.
i still like to lay in bed longer on saturdays just 'cause;)
does this mean i'm happy and patient 100% of the time? no.
but 95% of the time.
i owe all of this to three things.
are you ready to hear my three things?
1. a father in heaven who speaks.
2. a friend named brooke who listened...and didn't give up.
3. and a little woo woo pink drink that harmonized it all,
with a pretty fancy probiotic and cleanser thing with magnesium and chromium,
that whipped me RIGHT into shape.
i'm drinking the kool-aid:)
except this kool-aid is sweetened with stevia,
makes it so i don't snap at my kids or sean {as much},
OR HAVE HEADACHES in the mornings.
have i ever told you i used to get dizzy in the shower and almost pass out 
if i didn't get enough sleep?
and then i'd feel sick and feel like i was going to puke?
no more, i say!
no more!!!
and also, i don't crave sugar.
and a bunch of other things too.
wait WHAAAAAAT??!!??
the WOO WOO worked.
over and out ghostrider.
do you copy?
{brennan and sean sung me happy birthday at 6:44am}
in other news...
we got our christmas tree,
and dean pooped on me.
i spent the night walking around the christmas tree lot smelling luscious pine,
and dean's poop.
brennan, max, and chase ran around and in between all of the trees screaming at the tops of their lungs.
sean sprung for a new tree stand,
so the tree's not going to fall on me again this year.
me too.
i give you
hashtag 2015.
isn't she pretty?
such a full little tree.
i can't wait to get that batman ornament out.
i see his face every time i think of it.
good times.

do you have a tree up yet?
we skipped the german lantern festival last night to get our tree.
the candy bomber was there and pres. utchdorf.
maybe next year we'll make it!
my little german speaker is starting to talk to me more and more.
today he asked for a fruit snack in german,
and then he told me how to say please and thank you.
i couldn't help but BEAM as i put the fruit snacks away in the pantry.
he's really learning german.
and it's amazing.

i'm sending christmas cards out next week!
i LOVE sending christmas cards!!!
is your flat still the same address?

things i learned this week: 
there is no balance. there is only harmony. 
where all of the melodies play together.
i love you!