"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Friday, January 3, 2014

letters to Beth {the tv and dresser fell on chase}

dear beth,
welp, this morning chalked up to be my most traumatic in motherhood.
you might say this is an overly dramatic statement, but nevertheless,
my legs are still feeling like jelly 3 hours later.
chase was watching a movie, sitting on the seat at the end of my bed as usual.
brennan and max were at a friend's house,
and i was just getting out of the shower.
i was squishing the water out of my hair and reaching for a towel,
and then i heard the loudest crashing sound i've ever heard.
and i knew.
i knew what had happened before i opened the door.
i flung the door open as fast as i could,
and it was worse than i thought.
i get really calm in crisis, but i was scared to death.
i thought for sure he was broken.
the pelvis.
his head.
something was definitely going to be wrong.
this was just too heavy all on him for him to be ok.
this is what i was thinking.
i was praying he wasn't broken,
but i was just so sure he was going to be broken.
i'm pretty sure i said "oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh" over and over again the entire time.
i could hear chase screaming from under everything, and it was awful. 
i tried to pull the drawers off of him first and reach for him with the other hand.
but everything was just so heavy.
and i just remember thinking "get him out get him out get him out!!!"
yelling at myself in my head.
the wood was cracking because everything was tilted, and then it fell on him again.
and it was torturing me that it was taking so long to get to him,
but everything was just so awkward and heavy.
i still don't remember how i even got him out,
but i finally lifted everything enough to pull him out.
{remember i'm still dripping wet and completely naked, but i didn't even care.}
we just sat on the floor and i burst into tears, 
and we both were crying together for a good 5 minutes.
i think he might have been crying more b/c i was crying, and it freaked him out,
but i just couldn't stop crying.
from the minute i pulled him out i just couldn't stop.
i didn't want to put him down,
and he just wanted to lay on my bare naked chest.
i finally got up the courage to stand him up,
and i was just SURE he was broken.
but by the grace of god he was NOT broken.
he was drenched on one side of his body,
and the carpet looked like someone had peed on it,
but i assure you i did not.
and he did not.
which i was proud of us both for not doing
b/c it was just so scary.
my hair had just dripped all over us.
i just kept thinking i was going to have to call 911,
and they were going to find me holding broken chase, 
and i would be all wet and naked!
when he stopped crying and started walking around i felt a little bit better
and finally stopped crying,
once chase started pointing at the upside down tv 
begging for me to turn his movie back on i knew he was ok,
so i called sean and took a picture of what had happened so he could see.
and chase was running around acting normal,
but i just couldn't shake my nerves.
it shook me up,
and it shook me up bad.
then i called linsey and started crying all over again,
and she promised they would come over and help us bolt everything to the walls this weekend.
and she told me to take some deep breaths,
and kept trying to figure out how it had even happened,
and we concluded it must have been b/c he tried to climb up the drawers,
which most likely ended up shielding him from most of the weight when it actually all fell on him.
and do you know what i kept thinking?
i kept thinking that all of the problems i was worrying about in the shower 
were not even problems if chase were hurt.
just as long as he didn't come out of there with a broken head or pelvis,
then everything was going to be ok.
i still haven't moved that dresser and tv back into place.
i just wanted to leave it.
i don't know why.
maybe i will go through and clean out the drawers for the goodwill tonight.
i don't want to ever have that happen ever again.
i'm just so relieved chase is ok.
have you ever had something really scary like that happen?
is bear a climber?
my other kids are not climbers.
i've always thought people were being a little overly cautious when they bolt stuff to the walls,
but now i have vowed be more compassionate.
that seems to be a common thread in my life lately.
learning to be more compassionate.
it's so great and so awful all at the same time.
do you know?
i've been waiting and waiting to write to you about christmas
but something is wrong with my computer, 
and it won't load pictures from my phone to my computer,
so i have all of these pictures from christmas that i can't do anything with until it gets fixed.
and honestly,
it just seems weird to tell you about anything other than this right now.
man, i think we dodged the bullet this time.
and thank goodness nobody but chase had to see me dripping wet and naked this morning.
i love you,

Sunday, December 29, 2013


did i tell you about the time last week when all of my kids were puking?
and there was so much puke that i described it to people as oceans of puke?
things we learned 
during "oceans of puke":
1. max has great luck with tiled floor. thank you max.
2. brennan pukes like a walking zombie that's puking. he means well. it just turns out bad{ly}.
3. puking babies are by far worse than any other form of puking human. 
b/c they're quiet people, except when they're not. 
and you don't know they're puking 
b/c you're holding the garbage can lid open for your 5 yr old who's currently puking,
so he can puke into the garbage can 
b/c the puke bowls are all being washed in the dishwasher 
and really, it just seems efficient for him to puke into the garbage can at this point in the process,
and then right at that minute the baby comes around the corner puking,
and you're thinking
"baby puking! baby puking! get him onto the floor!"
you know, b/c there's carpet everywhere.
a house of carpet.
and so you're holding the garbage open with one foot and reaching out for the baby with an arm,
and you feel like you've got things under control,
and your husband is coming through with his one man hazmat crew,
and then you go around the corner and you see it.
oceans of puke.
from the baby that was walking around looking for you.
puking everywhere he walked while he was looking for you.
oceans of puke guys.
and so you get on the horn right away and schedule the carpet cleaner to come the next morning.
and they are there bright and early,
b/c they are awesome like that.
and they remember the time they came for the purple berry smoothie that max spilled all over the carpet in your bedroom when chase was 3 weeks old.
like i said, they're awesome like that.
and then they clean your recliner chair,
and tell you it was worse than last time,
but not the worst they've seen,
and you take that as a compliment.
and then he cleans the sap off of the love seat for free.
because you know,
the guys at action extraction are awesome like that.