"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Friday, March 29, 2013

it must be almost easter.

max started carrying eggs under her chin when her bucket got too full.
brennan found the batman egg, and then had me help him dye an egg with a spider-man face.
chase sucked on an empty blue egg the entire time,
and discovered that he is terrified of swinging.
terrified might not do his fear justice.
the baby man curled up into a stiff ball of trepidation,
while holding his breath.
eyes big as golf balls.
face beat red from clenching every muscle in his body so tight.
we all laughed and laughed and laughed.
who has ever even HEARD of a baby being scared of a swing?!
max swung next to him and would jump off to tickle his toes.
he would laugh for a minute and then get scared again.
finally when the swing slowed down he calmed down and started his happy squawk.
then max wanted a turn in the baby swing so i put chase on my hip and i pulled his hands out to touch her when she went by.
they thought that was hilarious good time fun.
everyone took home a basket of candy filled eggs and a stuffed animal from GiGi.
then the clouds rolled in and the wind felt like it had some sprinkles in it.
heaven bless the family yard.

it must be almost easter.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

your perfectly clean baby smelling state

dear chase,
i can't get over your squishy body.
pudgy feet.
little mouth.
your upper lip.
oh how i love to kiss your upper lip!
cabbage patch arms.
and hands.
i could poke your Michelin body over and over and over again.
with my index finger.
right in your tummy.
just above your belly button.
i do it, and you laugh and laugh,
and then after awhile you cry so i stop.
i especially love to scoop you up out of the tub and hold you in front of the mirror.
i always think i don't need anymore more pictures of you this way,
but then i look at you, 
and i think that even though i thought it was impossible,
you MUST have actually defeated all odds 
and gotten cuter than you were the last time i got you out of the tub.
two days ago.
so i pawn dad's phone off of him, 
and i take about 10 more pictures of you and me in front of the mirror 
b/c i want to document this exact moment when i am feeling so happy and in love 
with you fresh out of the tub.
and then i take you to my room, 
lay you down on your soft cream covered baby changing pad,
and slather you in pink baby lotion.
your skin is so soft and gushy.
like satin.
if you are really tired you scream like you are hurt, but i know you aren't.
if you are not tired,
you squirm all around and bang your toys against the wall beside you.
there are scrapes and scratches in a variety of colors from you doing this over and over again.
i love it.
i have never tried to clean or wipe any of the marks off.
i bite your hip.
but really it's just more of a kiss.
you chuckle so deep and try to roll away.
usually it's just the right one b/c it's the one closest to me.
then i sneak a kiss on your lips.
we listen to dad wrestle the other two in the tub around the corner.
sometimes you do your baby man squawk at them.
i always make sure to lotion your face,
put your diaper on,
slip you into a clean outfit or a pair of your fleecy footie pajamas,
and then i comb your little red hair.
you always try to eat the comb or grab it so you can bite the rubber end.
then i give you a kiss on the side of your forehead,
right next to the side of your eye,
and i ALWAYS ALWAYS take a big deep breath when i do it,
so i can smell you in your perfectly clean baby smelling state.
and for that moment,
i float away to what i know must be heaven.
i just can't imagine life without you.
i am bursting i love you and your baby man state so much.
i love dad, max, and brennan just as much too.
let there be no confusion about that.

young bucks {phillip phillips}

last night sean took me out.
i put on makeup.
curled my hair.
and tried on about twenty shirts.
really, i'm not exaggerating.
each time i tried on a shirt i texted linsey the picture of me standing in front of the mirror.
i got a LOT of thumbs downs.
it appears i may need to update my going out apparel. 
finally, i decided on my blue lacy shirt.
and chucks.
with a necklace AND earrings.
this is big business around here people.
we went to sushi and then to PHILLIP PHILLIPS.
i could hardly contain my excitement the entire day.
sing me the phone book PHIL.
he's just that good.
and we sat there all cuddled up on our seats together, 
and i thought about how surreal it was to be watching him 50 yards away. 
singing all of the songs we listen to almost every night around our dinner table.
and the songs we hear him sing on TEE-VEE!
he made fun of his dancing skills.
or lack thereof.
goofy was how he put it.
he held his guitar the way he does.
all crooked, but just right.
like he was making love to it right there on stage.
he talked about his grandpa/smoker voice from singing too much, 
and grandpa socks.
and then about his grandpa.
he made us beg for home.
we stood up.
we sang.
we clapped.
we yelled.
we danced.
and then he sang thriller as an encore.
the entire drive home we blasted songs by phil through the speakers in sean's car.
and i told sean i felt like a young buck again.
then i teased him about how he was swerving all over his lane.
and he said it was b/c he had such a pretty girl in his car to look at.
what a charmer.
i love him and the sweet things he always says to me:)
we talked about our dreams for the future,
how much we love our kids and our life,
and about the first concert i went to 15 years ago.
when no one but a few of us knew who blink 182 were ,
and i saw green day set their drum set on fire for the first time.
that didn't make me feel like a young buck at all.
once we got home we had some snacks, i washed off my makeup, and we went to bed holding hands.
yep, we really are that cheesy.
it's my favorite way to fall asleep.
especially after a night out on the town with my man.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

tough to be almost 1

he's really starting to hate the word "no."
but he's just so cute when he cries.

that wireless router poking out is just TOO tempting.
max and brennan grab him by one of his legs and slide him away on his tummy.
chubby baby man with his arms outstretched being pulled across the kitchen floor.
he gets mad about it.
we just laugh.
REAL{ly} funny.
it's tough being almost 1.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

black tie affair.

the baby man with his top hat.
it's always an afternoon black tie affair over here.

 give him a bowl of cheerios and he'll be entertained for half an hour.
or 10 minutes.
dump them all out.
eat a few.
put them all back in.
or a bucket.

i think they said they saw a dog

reasons why i love this picture:
1. no one wearing pants
2. tippy toes on fence, slightly drooping fence
3. brennan's crack {maybe this should be #1}
4. max's pig tails
5. wondering what they are peeking over the fence at
{i think they said they saw a dog}

these two.
i love them.
but most of all,
i love that they are friends.
{except when they are fighting, but even then they are still friends. 
just fighting ones. that hug it out after. you know? cats and dogs. cats and dogs.}


my SECOND favorite thing 
about having a baby in the house who is drinking whole milk:
so i can use it to make our oatmeal.
creamy and delicious:)

Monday, March 25, 2013


{this picture made us all laugh really REALLY hard.}
landon's eyebrows are back.
bushy lion eyebrows.
with a hint of ginger in my opinion.
pretty awesome:)

Q: when will you consider yourself a cancer survivor?
i will consider myself in remission up until 5 years from now because that's how long they'll do scans. i'll have one in 7 weeks, and if that's clear then i'll have another one is 3-6 months, and then as long as they stay clear then they will do them less often for up to 5 years.
at 5 years if you're clean, then that's when i would consider myself cancer free.

Q:in what way or ways has your life changed the most through this experience?
It really has changed everything.
It's the cliche of you're thankful for everyday, but to me it's my relationships with my friends and family that are most different. I'm more patient, less quick to get upset about something. I would say probably the greatest thing I've seen aside from my improvement with my family is my increased faith and testimony in God's plan and in the Atonement. I can't describe how it increases your faith. it's too hard to describe b/c of how your relationship with God is so individual. I've never had to rely so much on other people's faith to help me in my life. When cancer began I knew that I wasn't going to be able to do this on my own. I knew I would need everyone's faith around me to help me be cured or whatever it was that God had in store for me because you can't overcome that on your own. Aside from the faith part of it, to completely allow people to help you with all kinds of different stuff was really difficult. I take pride in taking care of my family, going to work, mowing my lawn, the basic things, etc. but for the benefit of my family I had to learn to accept charitable acts from people throughout this process. I've truly seen that people were helping our family purely out of love, expecting nothing in return. It's been amazing.

Q:is your life back to the way it was before?
I'm not physically able to do things I did a year ago, 
like certain aspects of my job, exercise, running, personal life, those sorts of things.
It's not the same b/c there are still the multiple times a day where I am reminded of what I am fighting. A year ago cancer wasn't on my radar. Now it is. I don't know when or if that will ever go back to normal. There are times where being reminded that I have cancer are positive. It's not doom and gloom I might die all of the time. It's really hard going through it, but then you look back, and you think holy cow I just did that.

Q:how do you live your life differently now than you did before your diagnosis?
It's kind of like how i mentioned earlier--things that may have upset me before or worrying about things i did before aren't nearly as prevalent. for example, i used to get irritated a lot of times with how people drove. Like driving too slow or whatever, especially if i was trying to get somewhere. I don't do that anymore. I will get there when I get there. I'm not going to worry about it b/c that is just a self created stress that is not going to benefit me or anyone else. That is just a very small example.

Q:do you worry about your cancer coming back?
and I think that I probably always will. 
But just like I can't control that it happened--there's nothing that I did that caused my cancer--
I can't really control if it comes back or not. 
So I try, I'm not always successful, but I try to not let that worry me too much.

Q:what surprised you the most about your journey through fighting cancer?
I was surprised at the number of people affected by cancer in their own lives that i never knew about before. Like people in my own family that I never knew fought cancer, people at work, at church, all of them talking to me about their aunt or their sister or whatever who had breast cancer or others who were going through chemotherapy right now too. It was just all over the place. It just seems like everybody has an experience or a story about how cancer has affected their life.
i stand all amazed:)

Sunday, March 24, 2013

out of the mouth of brennan

out of the mouths of babes i give you,
life according to brennan...
"he's like a man living in the desert!!!" 
brennan laughs and laughs and laughs and then says...
"Run from Egyptian man!"
and then he and max ran out of his room screaming like maniacs. 
this happened about 5 times in a row. funny funny kids.
-brennan 5 yrs old

i don't know where he came up with it.
i just beg that no one is offended by it.

he crawled around naked trying to shake the shirt off of his head for a good 5 minutes.
i finally put him out of his misery.
i love his chubby cheeks.
he still hates things on his head.

fastest in the west

he can clear off a pantry shelf in 2.5 seconds.
i laugh a little bit every time i find where he's been.
usually i find him still there rummaging,
but sometimes i'll just know where he's been.
b/c of the little mess he's left behind.
my favorite is when i find only his feet poking out, 
and the rest of his body hidden behind the shower curtain in the kid's upstairs bathroom.
i always find him with cups.
lots and lots of cups when he's there.
with a trail of bath toys to marvel hansel and gretel's breadcrumbs behind him.
but by far the pantry is his favorite spot.
specifically the applesauce pouches, girl scout cookies, and fruit snacks.
sneaky little baby man.
#lightbulbisout #seanpleasefix