"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Saturday, February 28, 2009

not so fast...

brennan was admitted last night to primary children's hospital. the rsv came back really badly. doc says he'll be hospitalized 3-4 days. his fever is down this morning, still on oxygen, and IV. will give more details when i can.
on a positive note, we get to spend the weekend together as a family and they have some rockin' toys that brennan loves to play with up there;-)
loves to all.

Friday, February 27, 2009


that's what i said when people asked how i was doing.
you know what that stands for, right?
"freaked out, insecure, neurotic, & emotional."
we love italian job.
i was angry last night.
not at anyone.
not really at anything.
just angry.
in college i learned that anger is a secondary emotion.
it always covers up the initial emotion.
whenever i feel angry, i try to figure out where it came from.
i think it came from...
exhaustion...taking care of a child with rsv.
not that much compared to some other illnesses, but still taxing.
s.d.gib is at school, studying, & then at scouts.
i love that he is doing those things.
his job is to be there.
it's still exhausting.
i'm grateful he is doing those things.
of course, i love him at home...
but there's just something magical in my eyes when i watch him be that amazing man.
the one who goes to class early.
stays late to study, so when he's home he's really home.
teaches the scouts how to be better men.
it's amazing to watch.
and then gives me a hug, telling me how much he appreciates all i do.
how tired i must be.
how amazing he thinks i am.
fear b/c i've never noticed if my child is breathing or not.
now i notice.
every breath.
so i went swimming.
i swam, and swam, and swam.
over a mile.
to a runner this is not much.
to a swimmer, it's fairly good.
with each stroke i pulled the water harder.
digging my face into the bubbles.
i didn't have to answer to anyone.
i just got to count my laps, 50, 100, 150....1750.
by the end i wasn't angry.
i was relieved.
relieved that my baby was home asleep in his crib.
and for that i am grateful.
this morning he was so much happier.
cooing, babbling, commando crawling.
still needy, still cuddly...i must admit, i like the cuddles a lot.
i am amazed at his progress.
the doctors are amazed at his progress.
the cough is still horrible.
the cough heard round the world!;-)
heart wrenching.
they tell me he looked really badly when we were at primary children's.
they tell me he looks SO much better now.
i didn't realize how stressful it all was at the time b/c i don't remember him looking all that badly.
"to me, he stinketh not." ;-)
i love that story.
thank you God for veiling my eyes.
i love this baby.
i love this man.
it is a beautiful day outside.
i'm already feeling less tired...

Thursday, February 26, 2009

meet "neb"

blogging goddesses,
meet "neb."
neb is our friend.
we like neb.
neb is our nebulizer.
it sends steamy medicine into our lungs.
this way the tender/pork loin can breathe more easily.
it opens up his airways more.
and yes, this has returned too.
lots of "this."
and he still hates "this."
yeah, but what did the doc say?
they were very pleased with his improvements over the night.
just use "neb" and "this" for now.
it's a beautiful day outside, did you notice?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

the story of a quarter pounder & an ambulance

my morning continued as follows...
put brennan down for a nap
nursed brennan when he woke up
went to pediatrician for a "pulse ox" test (tells saturation of oxygen in blood, 90 and above=good)
90%, "good."
nebulizer treatment (steam in the face to open airways)
oxygen levels dropped, first to 88%
waited 10 min for oxygen levels to go up
dropped to 83%

doc: we're very concerned, these numbers are really not good
me: sigh, ok
doc: i've called an ambulance and let the hospital know you are on your way
me: which hospital (eyes very wide, mouth may be opened), like st. mark's?
doc: primary children's
me: what? but that's for really serious things
doc: yes, they'll be admitting him for 2-3 days
me: ok (shock setting in now)
doc: we're putting him on oxygen right now until the ambulance arrives
me: can i just drive him there
doc: his numbers are too low, this is an emergency
me: (trying not to cry) ok, let me call my husband
nurse wheels in oxygen tank and baby O-2 mask
me: did i do something wrong? could i have prevented this?
doc: no, no, no, you did everything right (his eyes were very comforting), it's just bad luck
me: (eyes watering, but i actually kept it together, go me!)
doc: this is a routine treatment from here on out. we know how to deal with rsv and everything will be fine:-)
me: (thinking to myself, "ambulance and primary children's don't seem fine, but okay")
EMTs arrived, loaded brennan up, car seat and all.
did you know that's how they transported babies?
me neither.

pork loin's 1st ambulance ride

the EMT said brennan's color was good so he made him a gloved balloon and took his stats.
did you know ambulances were bouncy?
me neither.
well, i've been in one, but that story's for another day.
they checked us into the ER at primary children's.

the crazy thing was that sean was already there to do some shadowing hours, so he met the abulance when we arrived. what a life saver!
hooked brennan up, monitored him for 2 hours.
he was such a trooper!
he stayed above 90 almost the entire time:-)
see the blue 95
they let us go (thank you).
we are scheduled for a follow up appointment for tomorrow morning.
do you know how amazing the staff is at primary children's?!
i've heard they are incredible, but it's beyond that.
they are REALLY outstanding.
something you can't explain until you've seen it first hand.
thank you
thank you
thank you.

darth vader

pork loin
(renamed "tender loin" by snarky due to his recent "skinny-ing")
gets this beauty breather every 4-6 hours
at 4am i sat rocking my son in our lazy boy.
this was our second trip to the recliner of the night.
he was snuggled up into my neck.
i didn't sleep a peep last night.
the only time i felt remotely tired was when he was snuggled up with me.
i could hear his breathing.
little darth vader, that's what i kept thinking.
a week ago i did not know what rsv was.
i'd heard about it.
i remember the doctor saying,
"keep him isolated for the first 12 weeks, we don't want him getting rsv."
so this year, i wasn't even thinking about it.
the pork loin turns 1, the big 1!, 1 week from today.
sure, it was on the news,
"rsv is bigger than ever this year."
that's what the "healthy living report" has been saying.
but for some reason i just wasn't worried.
i mean come on, i'm working on not being that overly paranoid first time mom;-)
i surely thought it was never something my child would get.
i knew it was "not good."
there's that pesky term again.
well, my child has it.
"it" defined
(courtesy of WebMD)
Respiratory syncytial virus infection: usually called RSV, is a lot like a bad cold. It causes the same symptoms. And like a cold, it is very common and very contagious. Most children have had it at least once by age 2.
A virus causes RSV infection. Like a cold virus, RSV attacks your nose, eyes, throat, and lungs. It spreads like a cold too, when you cough, sneeze, or share food or drinks.
the tender loin skipped his cereal this morning.
a feat which we all know is out of the norm.
the doc says these are the times he loves those "25 pounders."
hey, a new name!
he's a quarter pounder;-)
geeze, i love this kid!
i hope i don't give him a complex.
so we're headed to the doc again today.
the wheezing is up and the breathing treatment didn't seem to help.
jess tells me i need to give it at least one more try to see if it really helps, so the jury's still out.
the amazing jess was at my front door at 7:30am to help with brennan's breathing treatment.
she's a nurse.
i'm convinced, she knows everything there is to know.
very handy.
very kind.
bless you, jess.
thanks for all of the love.
you make us smile:-)
for future reference,
ignorance is bliss.
avoid webMD and alike sites when researching your child's illnesses.
you'll feel much better just knowing what the doctor has told you.
the end.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

scary words and a breathing treatment

at the pediatrician tonight i heard...
rsv (ew, scary)
oxygen levels low
wheezing "not good"
there's no way you could be talking about my brennan.
not possible.
you grabbed the wrong chart.
for goodness sakes, he was breastfed!!!
no possible way he could ever EVER get sick.
did i mention he was breastfed?
(i really did feel the urge to tell the nurse this, but did not, i held back, go me!)
if you'll notice in the picture above (that the good nurse allowed me to take) it shows brennan getting his oxygen levels tested.
did you know they can do that with a light, and a light alone!?
me neither.
it's amazing.
the light reads the oxygen levels in the blood from outside the body.
somehow it just pentrates through and knows.
(sean tells me they use this all the time in physical therapy stuff, but it was news to me).
anyway, back to the story.
so brennan's oxygen tested at 87%.
they tell me this is "not good."
not "extremely bad."
just "not good."
well, what a relief;-)
would you look at the calves on that kid of mine!
sorry, back to the story.
so they used the following device, taken pre-deep suctioning
(it took 2 nurses and me to hold him down, poor little guy!) :

i snapped this picture while the nurse left to get some saline.
for heavens sake, i can't let them know that i am one of "those picture documenting people."
this proves i do have some pride left;-)
so they used this device to...
we'll just say to relieve his nasal cavities for better breathing.
which it did.
his oxygen went back up to 93%.
they tell me this is "okay."
out of the "not good" category at least!
although jess tells me they were just being nice b/c she says it's still in the "not good" category.
he is to have breathing treatments until friday, with saline, and good old fashioned suctioning.
then they want to see him again for an O-2 test and possibly more deep suctioning.
if it's better, we're all happy.
and we'll just think about that scenario for now;-)
so all of this has me thinking.
about being a bit judgemental.
talking about me that is.
judging others.
i know, i'm sorry.
i confess.
i've heard of other babies getting rsv, bronchitis, and such.
and i thunk it.
"gasp, how irresponsible of those mothers.
they should have been more careful"
oh geese...now it's me.
but i was careful.
and responsible.
and did i mention he's breastfed!!??
my point?
the more brennan gets sick,
the more he does things differently than the norm,
the more he turns into his own person,
the more i realize that i am the only person who knows what's best for brennan.
not any other child.
just brennan.
the other children have their mom's that know what's right for them.
so next time i find myself thinking
"they should do it my way"
"this way is much better"
"i heard so and so did this or that"
i will stop myself
b/c i only know which way is best for brennan.
i'm not saying advice is a bad thing.
i think talking with other mothers about what they find successful and not is first class!
i'm saying, i'm finding myself more and more in those situations i swore would never happen to me.
i guess i'm stepping down off my high horse.
and boy, does the ground feel good.
tune in tomorrow to see his breathing treatment device, it's a doozy!

crying, LOTS of crying

runny nose
decreased appetite
LOTS of crying
my baby is sick.
this means we are not sleeping in our house.
i woke up with a sore throat.
i'm wondering if he has a sore throat?
i'm wondering if sean has a sore throat?
we usually all share the same sickness. eventually.
although, thanks to sue, sean never got the stomach flu.
so i must go, baby is tugging at my robe, crying.