for the past two nights i have cried for half an hour after putting the kids in bed.
"it was his idea to potty train! not mine. he did it for two days! poo and all! nights and naps, no leaks. what kid does that!? it's a dream! amazing! i guess he really was ready!"
this is what i was saying in my head.
and then he decided he didn't want to anymore,
so he held his pee for 15 hours in defiance.
so much that as you recall, i thought it was a bladder infection.
it was not.
i figured he would just get over it.
b/c he loved his underwear,
and didn't want to wear a diaper.
didn't want to pee in a diaper.
he did not get over it.
so after three days of him holding his pee for 15 hours straight,
i am waving the white flag,
and have finally convinced him that diapers are cool again
i am both happy and sad.
happy b/c maybe we can have a life back again.
sad b/c man, i LOVED that he used the potty.
sad b/c i feel like i've failed.
maybe b/c i was too pushy?
this is always my biggest insecurity.
and for some reason,
it made me feel more like a real mom.
the kind that really knows what she's doing.
who's children listen to her.
pee in the potty.
never get sick.
never throw tantrums.
always eat their vegetables.
share with others.
are sweet and nurturing to their siblings all of the time.
sleep in every day.
have everything together.
a real mom.
whatever that is.
it doesn't exist.
that mom is just a figment of my imagination.
but some days it think she is there.
my kids get me instead.
and that's the best version of a mom i can offer.
and they are darn lucky to have me.
too pushy and all:)