BETH day

Oh what a day! Oh what a day! I'm in HEAVEN simmering rice, Columbian black beans, and cabbage at Beth's house. It's #snow -ing ❄️🌨☃️ outside, the boys are playing #starwars ✨ and Vikings in the toy room #boymom , and it's just the most perfect day EVER!!! P.S. Beth is educating me on tea pots. Have you heard of the Alessi⁉️ My my, you've never heard a bird sing so sweet 🐥☕️ #teaforTWOplease #bff #friendsies#bethday She stuffed a bag of tea in my purse for #bedtime 😴💤 tonight, and I'm just really #excited about it 😍👏🏻🙌🏻 Heaven bless best friends and snow days.

letters to Beth {once upon a time, the night sweats, & OH CHRISTMAS TREE!}

dear beth,

once upon a time, 

i almost quit nursing.

i had made my peace.

i was satisfied.

i love feeding baby dean bottles.

he nuzzles up into my arms,

looks into my eyes,

and wraps his long legs down and around the curves of my belly.

and just lays.

like a warm lump of soft.

i never wanna do anything, except sit there and watch him gulp.

we didn't quit nursing,

dean gained 2 pounds on breast milk in one month {once it all came back FOR REAL this time},

and my anxiety and post pardom depression i could feel myself slipping into 

after school started...went away.

i think that as moms we think we have to be tired.

like it's some right of passage to be so drained and depleted.

some badge of honor.

a time and season!

this is what i used to say.

this was just part of the job.

and the tired i felt,

sleep couldn't fix.

i had accepted this.

after i would put my kids to bed at night,

i would climb into bed,

read for 2 minutes or less, at which point my eyes would droop into sleep,

almost always with the light on,

sleep for 9 hours {not peacefully},

and dread my children waking me up all night long.

like i literally had a racing beating heart, and felt like i couldn't fall into a deep sleep ever,

because i was so consumed with feeling anxious and exhausted during the day.

it didn't help that maxine was scared of the dark at this time, and some little 5th grade YOU KNOW WHAT at school showed brennan five nights at freddy's on his ipod, 

which caused HIM to be afraid of the dark so he doesn't want to sleep in his basement room anymore,

and chase was sick.

for liiiiiiike a month straight.

it kind of went like this:

pukes

pukes

strep

and i think some kind of cold somewhere in there too.

then brennan got strep.

then i got strep.

it wasn't pretty!

so when my kids would finally come into my room in the mornings,

i would push them away, bc i just didn't want to get up and do it all over again.

and then very grouchily and grumpily i'd drag myself out of bed,

where most days i'd snapped at them over the daily breakfast making 

and lunch making routine everyday.

and felt like i had turned into some complete inauthentic fraud.

where was the emily that loved doing these things for her children?

where was the emily that could take on any task?

clearly, i had left her by the pool at the family yard last summer,

that's where.

it was awful.

awful to not feel like myself.

awful to feel like this was just how it was gonna be.

awful to not be able to keep the gerbil ball from spinning.

but i don't feel this way anymore!

and i'm grateful to have me back.

now, i wake up in the morning happy to face the day.

excited to face the day!

and i feel good enough to have patience, and empathy,

and my kid's friends over again {most of them anyway...eek}.

and i don't have to say "don't talk to me!" when i'm driving in the car.

and i don't have to go to bed with my kids at 9 o'clock at night.

like when i go to bed,

i look forward to the morning because i KNOW i'm gonna feel great.

i don't wake up tired or groggy.

i WAKE UP rested.

even if 4 kids have woken me up 4 different times in the middle of the night.

i don't feel like i'm going to die at 2pm if i don't get a nap.

in fact, i don't even nap anymore,

except for that one time we all had strep. 

aye-yigh-YIGH, that week was rough.

also i had the night sweats, and sean said i stunk,

but not in a mean way,

just in a "i couldn't figure out why our room smelled damp when i got up to pee, 

and then i realized you were all sweaty and THAT was what was making our room smell damp,

and it made me laugh" kind of way.

then he said he figured he owed me for all of his farting in the last 12 years.

this is why i love him. i stinketh not, hahahaha!!!

except when i do...ok so anywaaaaaaay.

when bedtime rolls around,

i fall asleep,

like sometimes even before sean,

then i stay asleep {unless someone wakes me up},

fall back asleep {if someone wakes me up--usually someone ALWAYS wakes me up},

but i don't feel like a truck hit me going 95 on the interstate 

when it's actually TIME to wake up.

i

like

waking

up:)

does this mean i'm never tired? no.

i still like to lay in bed longer on saturdays just 'cause;)

does this mean i'm happy and patient 100% of the time? no.

but 95% of the time.

yes:)

i owe all of this to three things.

are you ready to hear my three things?

here

are 

my

three

things...

1. a father in heaven who speaks.

2. a friend named brooke who listened...and didn't give up.

3. and a little woo woo pink drink that harmonized it all,

with a pretty fancy probiotic and cleanser thing with magnesium and chromium,

that whipped me RIGHT into shape.

i'm drinking the kool-aid:)

except this kool-aid is sweetened with stevia,

makes it so i don't snap at my kids or sean {as much},

OR HAVE HEADACHES in the mornings.

have i ever told you i used to get dizzy in the shower and almost pass out 

if i didn't get enough sleep?

and then i'd feel sick and feel like i was going to puke?

no more, i say!

no more!!!

and also, i don't crave sugar.

and a bunch of other things too.

mmmhmmmm.

that's

what

she

said.

wait WHAAAAAAT??!!??

the WOO WOO worked.

I REPEAT:

the.woo.woo.worked.

over and out ghostrider.

do you copy?

{brennan and sean sung me happy birthday at 6:44am}

...

in other news...

we got our christmas tree,

and dean pooped on me.

i spent the night walking around the christmas tree lot smelling luscious pine,

and dean's poop.

delicious:)

brennan, max, and chase ran around and in between all of the trees screaming at the tops of their lungs.

sean sprung for a new tree stand,

so the tree's not going to fall on me again this year.

remember that?

yeah.

me too.

batman.

i give you

THE TREE

hashtag 2015.

isn't she pretty?

such a full little tree.

i can't wait to get that batman ornament out.

i see his face every time i think of it.

good times.

do you have a tree up yet?

we skipped the german lantern festival last night to get our tree.

the candy bomber was there and pres. utchdorf.

maybe next year we'll make it!

my little german speaker is starting to talk to me more and more.

today he asked for a fruit snack in german,

and then he told me how to say please and thank you.

i couldn't help but BEAM as i put the fruit snacks away in the pantry.

he's really learning german.

and it's amazing.

i'm sending christmas cards out next week!

i LOVE sending christmas cards!!!

is your flat still the same address?

things i learned this week: 

there is no balance. there is only harmony. 

where all of the melodies play together.

i love you!

emiline

letters to Emily {German Flea Market, America not Being #1, and thoughts on Smith & Bear}

Hello Mrs. Beautiful Emiline Gibson!
I am writing you a letter letting, in response to your amazing letter you wrote me.... Oh how funny! Shaving cream, spider dreams, popsicle apologies. You got it all in there. I must say, you are such an inspiration to me. You definitlely know how to endure. I am so proud of you. Germany is great, it's all boots and scarves around here. Full on fall time. Still nice but sweater weather. these pictures are from the Heidelberger herbst. It is a HUGE flea market and so much fun. They have good food and fun things to buy. I didn't actually mean to send all of the ones I sent but it just all downloaded. I started taking a german course on Monday and Wednesday nights. It's been really fun, other than riding my bike home in the rain at night. Luckily it's only an 8 minute bike ride. I met a really cute Russian girl that is so sweet. Her name is Alla. Of course I am only brushing the surface with all these updates, because we all know there is deep and profound things happening inside most people. Especially innocent and anxious mothers full of anxious love. (a line from a song) I have been able to relax and reflect since I have been, now what I call "home", which is so strange to me. If you don't want to confuse your self just stay living in the states for the rest of your life. Because once you live over seas you are never the same. Your perspective on your home country is forever changed and you long for that sweet innocent memory of America being #1. Not that it isn't because it is great, but I don't think there is a competition for it anymore, not with me anyway.

As I wake up Smith everyday, I feel such immense gratitude that I get to be the one that does this for him, of course that is buried down deep inside when my alarm goes off at 6:30, but once I walk into his room and pick him up from his bed and dress him, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude. How did I get so blessed to have this sweet boy. Who is always happy. He is such a light in my life. Bear's cast comes off in a couple weeks, and I cannot tell you how ready I am for his cast to come off. I want to get a saw and saw it off sometimes!! He keeps saying, "I'll be big when my cast comes off. I will run really fast when my cast comes off." It's really sweet and sad at the same time. I cannot wait for conference. like, CANNOT. WAIT. I love conference so much. The news of elder Scott dying was so sad, because his talks are usually some of my favorites. Anyway, I love and think about you often and I hope you are happy and you have a fabulous fall!!

love you
forever
and a day,
beth jane.

letters to Beth {spiders in a tree, being flexible, and sean's out of shaving cream now}

{that skipper though...woo woo!}

...

dear beth,

guten morgen!!!

today was a perfect thursday morning here in the gibson house of chaos.

see, thursday mornings have the potential to be horrendous.

HORRENDOUS.

sean has a 7am meeting,

so i am left to fend for myself with three kids that need to get to school and a breastfeeding dean.

but today, mmm, it was good.

max came in at 6:40, which normally would irritate me,

but i was in the middle of a spider dream,

where there was this tree we were going to put back in our yard {in the dream we had taken a full grown tree out of our yard for i don't know why, and we were going to move it back now because we wanted it back--don't ask me why, it was just what was going on in my crazy dream. apparently i want a tree in my yard that used to be there but really in real life has never really been there}.

so the tree.

it was INFESTED with spiders.

and i kept thinking about should we spray the tree before we move it back to our yard because there were too many to kill on our own,

but then i couldn't make peace with that idea because i was remembering the KSL article i read last week about the home in midvale that's infested with spiders and the pest control people have told them to NOT spray because it will drive the spiders into the house,

and i was worried that if we sprayed the tree it would drive the spiders out of the tree and into the house, even though this FULLY GROWN tree wasn't even planted in our yard anyway,

we were just going to be moving back there.

i remember thinking that i didn't want to spray the tree and have the spiders all come out and make their way to our house or into my car,

which wasn't actually my car.

i was using this old mustang of this kid i went to high school with,

so instead we just moved the rest of our stuff which was now entering our my dream and needed to be moved back into our house.

i finally decided that we would just forget about moving the tree back because i decided it wasn't worth it to risk having all of the spiders come into the house.

BUT THE TREE WAS FULLY GROWN AND REALLY FAR AWAY FROM OUR HOUSE.

like this looked like a couple of thousand of years old tree.

i'm thinking that it was actually a pretty amazing dream though because i real life i have a hard time letting things go when i have my heart set on them,

and in this dream i REALLY had my heart set on having this tree in my yard.

but with the spiders and all it just wasn't working out.

and i think what this dream was trying to tell me was that i'm learning to let things go.

the things that i might have my heart set on sometimes just aren't meant to go the way i always want them to go.

and i'm not even talking about anything in particular here.

no hidden message!

i'm talking about like being flexible.

which is something 4th baby dean has really changed in me.

like sometimes we have to do homework three different times in the night to get it all done,

and in two different places.

like maybe we start in the kitchen,

and then later we take a clipboard out onto the porch.

kind of like,

it's not about finishing things just to finish them and be done,

but more like just being settled in whatever moment we're in,

and not being so focused on getting the job done so we can move to the next.

like one day i will clean one bathroom,

and two days later i will clean two more,

but i don't have to have it all done on the same day all at once anymore.

because that just doesn't work for my life right now.

i'm telling you,

i feel all grown up about this.

and it's amazing.

and i know it's for real maturity because the thought process is crossing over into my dreams.

dreams NEVER lie!

they always tell me the truth about what i'm really feeling.

and why did i get to have this dream you ask?

because baby dean is consistently starting to sleep 10-12 hours every night.

yes my friend IT'S TRUE!!!

which is why i wasn't mad when max woke me up ten minutes before my alarm,

but i had already been asleep for 7 UNINTERRUPTED hours of glorious glorious sleep:)

which is also why i got out of bed happy.

really really happy!

also a little bit because i wasn't dreaming about spiders and spider webs anymore

{i think the spiders were in the dream bc ann marie and i went walking the other night and there was a big black recluse on the cement wall when we walked past it and it haunted me the rest of the walk}.

so then i got max all fed and ready and made brennan's lunch,

praying 

praying 

PRAYING 

with ALL of my heart that dean wouldn't wake up 

until the A-team {brennan and max} got off to school,

{because i knew i wouldn't have time to nurse him 

if he did and the man hadn't eaten since 8:15 the night before},

and then i woke brennan up and got him all fed and ready 

{while miraculously max quietly entertained herself with playing cars in the big room},

and then right on cue chase came down the stairs as i was waving goodbye to max and brennan getting into susie's car for morning carpool,

so i got HIM all dressed and fed and ready,

and then JUST as he walking over to watch cartoons for the half an hour we had left before i needed to drive him to school,

dean woke up, nursed,

and then it was time to take chase to school.

i can't even tell you how amazing this all felt!

my children make me feel smart when they do all of these wonderful things for me on the very same day.

they are geniuses i say!

also, all of my praying helped i'm sure.

now i intend to shower,

do laundry,

and play pretend i only have one baby for the next 45 minutes before i leave to pick them all up from school again.

this is the life of a mother of 4 children and i love it.

i mean, when things go really great it's easy to love.

pray for me on thursdays

because lord knows they can't all go well.

which i guess means that some thursdays i'll have to decide that the spiders in the tree just aren't moving the fully grown tree into our backyard for.

which i think means maybe brennan might take hot lunch on some thursdays,

and maybe we'll have to turn on the tv sometimes too.

but not today.

not today:)

i'm so glad max woke me up from that dream!

{bad news: our plan failed. my kids think that breakfast for dinner 

is ACTUALLY breakfast for dinner. i gave it to them for breakfast too much. 

and now they think it's breakfast for dinner, not dinner for breakfast like we planned. dang it.}

{i gave in and canned salsa. SO GLAD I DID! 

except poor chase rubbed onion juice into his eyes. it was so so so sad.}

{the mini fridge in our bedroom that we put there SOLELY for chase's sippy of milk when dean was a newborn and we just needed chase to go back to sleep. man i think we've got him trained out of that now, so when i went to unplug it and wipe up all the water from the icebox, i found a frozen wonder woman and superman getting frisky together. these kids make me laugh. i wonder how long they've been in there anyway?}

{he peed on me. i took this picture.}

{then chase threw a plastic blue shovel in the air, and the tip landed right on dean's left side of his forehead. it was the saddest thing i've ever seen. so i let him have a few licks of my popsicle.}

{brennan can REALLY REALLY read now. like reading chapter books TO HIMSELF are in our near future. i can't even believe it. have never felt so proud!}

max's story?

chase pulled her into the shower,

covered HER in shaving cream ALL over HER.

i couldn't even get mad b/c i was laughing so hard.

i'm going to text you the video.

i've watched it about 3 thousand times, and i laugh harder and harder every time i watch it.

"ok, so chaser went in the shower, pulled me in, he did it all over me, riiiiight?"

no!

yes!

no!

yeeeees!!!

nooooooo!!!!!!

and that was how it went down.

i mean it's a good thing i wasn't on a full bladder or anything b/c it's really that funny.

how's life back in germany?

how's bear's leg healing?

are the boys back in school yet?

send me pictures of germany in fall please.

i'm lusting for cooler temps, but the weather man says we're in for 90's still this weekend.

i love you!

i miss you!

what are you cooking?

love,

emiline

letters to Beth {gummy worms, HGTV, and st pattys}

{i saw these in target about about 10pm on monday night, and i just had to have them. so i bought them, opened them, and ate almost an entire bag pushing my cart through target. i bought the target brand because they looked softer and juicer AND they were 70 cents less. oh baby, they really hit the spot. in fact, i just had to stop and dig through my purse to find the remains right now because they looked so good again, so now they are officially gone, and they were amazing again.}

...

dear beth,
i just plugged my phone into my computer for the first time in a month. it said i had 322 pictures to update. i can remember when i would plug my phone {actually, back then it was my camera} into my computer multiple times a day to load pictures to my blog and write down all of my thoughts with 50 pictures for every day. well, now, times are a changing. at the end of the day i wonder where my phone has been the entire day, i usually don't even watch tv anymore, and all i want to do is get in my jammies and take off my compression tights, because after the kids are in bed, the laundry is caught up, the dishwasher is running, and if we are lucky the toys get put away, it's time for bed. like early. i'm a changed woman. last night however, i stayed up until 1am. my eyes are so tired this morning, but i needed the peace and quiet. i sat on the couch for two hours watching HGTV and MTV and it was glorious. except now i can barely keep my eyes open and it's not even 2pm. i didn't do anything other than lay there and do nothing. oh, i did change out the laundry once and let the humidifier soak in vinegar because max was coughing, and i knew she would sleep better if i ran it, which i've been putting off for days because i knew the humidifier needed to be cleaned. i can't live without vinegar. this is what i've learned in my 7 years as a stay at home mom. my life just doesn't work without it. i buy the two gallon pack at costco almost once a month because i use it for everything. i use it to clean my bathtubs. i use it to wash my strawberries and grapes in the sink. i put it in EVERY load of laundry to help with odors because no matter what i'm just smelling pee and poo everytime i get clean clothes out of the laundry {except now with vinegar i only smell it once and awhile--i know the clothes are clean, i'm just wondering if my brain is confusing smells at this point}. i use it to clean humidifiers, i run it through my dishwasher, and most recently, i use the apple cider vinegar to clean my face. vinegar is just amazing, and i just keep finding more and more uses for it as the years go by. if you have hard water, vinegar is just a must. and even if you don't, i swear there are a million and one uses for it. so that's that. what have you been up to? do you do anything for st. patty's day? i did the usual around here, and let me tell you, it's harder when you're 27 weeks pregnant to get on the floor of your kitchen than when you're not. our basement is almost done, we just got back from a two day DRIVING trip to arizona to see my brother in law who was home on leave from Afghanistan and nephew parker get baptized. it was so fun, and it felt like june, but the drive was not my favorite, and chase barfed three times on the way there because the twisty parts made him carsick. on the way home we decided to go the long way through vegas so he wouldn't get sick, which worked, except the long way part wasn't worth it. never again. i will just get him some more barf bags and hope we can get him some of those car sick bracelets sandie has been telling me about because aint nobody got time to go the long way through vegas.

{every day she draws or paints pictures for the contractors, and then takes them down as treasures. this is the precious part of max that i adore. the busy, creative, artsy side that i'm so proud she's developing in herself.}

{look, i still fit between the beams.}

{between pukes he took a nap, then he would wake up, puke again, 

and go back to sleep again. it was so sad.}

{this baby man was MADE for st. patty's day garb. that red hair with the green. ohhhh, i die.}

tell me what's new with you.

what are your plans for summer?

i can almost smell summer at night in my bedroom with the windows open.

it's been so warm that all of the trees have blossomed this week,

and it's just a beautiful blossoming utah spring everywhere i turn.

i'm loving it!

i can't wait for peaches!!!!

tell me what's happening inside your brain.

i love your art.

do you know when my order will be ready?

love,

emski