Mama Einstein;)

When I met Julie Clark (creator of Baby Einstein) two weeks ago, 

she taught me four things: 

1. Make your own luck 

2. Make a positive difference 

3. Choose hope always 

4. Make an impact. 

There are moments where you KNOW what you're doing 

is changing something bigger than you. 

This was one of those days, and I'm grateful I was there to receive it.

4 months after I had Dean, I wasn't sitting around in my sweatpants crying all day, 

so at first i didn't make the connection to the silent symptoms of postpartum and anxiety I was having.

Instead, i was always anxious, doing really OCD things like washing my hands ALL the time, having clothes folded in a certain way, and needing my house to be organized. 

My postpartum was late onset, so there was no one there to recognize it other than me, 

and it just left me feeling like I didn't have this motherhood thing figured out after all. 

It made me feel like I was not good enough, even though I knew I was. 

It's the strangest thing to know you're being irrational, but not have control over it. 

And still feeling like you're happy, but something is just still wrong.

And you just resign to the realization that maybe this is just what it's going to be like for the next 20 years until your kids go to college.

And it wasn't like everything was awful.

My baby made me REALLY happy. My kids and husband made me REALLY happy.

Which is why i was even more confused by it.

 There is a bill in the House of Representatives right now called H.R. 3235: Bringing Postpartum Depression Out of the Shadows Act of 2015. It has been designed to give states more funding to provide additional screening for mothers, and help them have resources to get help. I want to get rid of the stigma of what we "think" postpartum is supposed to look like, and the shame that comes with postpartum depression in general. Email, call, and FB message your congressman and let them know that their constituents see a need. There are people in Washington right now that can make this happen, and if we can flood their messages all at once, we will make a difference!

You can tune into to Good Things Utah Tuesday July 5th at 9am Mountain time to hear me speak about my experience with postpartum depression and anxiety.

See ya'll there!

letters to Beth {once upon a time, the night sweats, & OH CHRISTMAS TREE!}

dear beth,

once upon a time, 

i almost quit nursing.

i had made my peace.

i was satisfied.

i love feeding baby dean bottles.

he nuzzles up into my arms,

looks into my eyes,

and wraps his long legs down and around the curves of my belly.

and just lays.

like a warm lump of soft.

i never wanna do anything, except sit there and watch him gulp.

we didn't quit nursing,

dean gained 2 pounds on breast milk in one month {once it all came back FOR REAL this time},

and my anxiety and post pardom depression i could feel myself slipping into 

after school started...went away.

i think that as moms we think we have to be tired.

like it's some right of passage to be so drained and depleted.

some badge of honor.

a time and season!

this is what i used to say.

this was just part of the job.

and the tired i felt,

sleep couldn't fix.

i had accepted this.

after i would put my kids to bed at night,

i would climb into bed,

read for 2 minutes or less, at which point my eyes would droop into sleep,

almost always with the light on,

sleep for 9 hours {not peacefully},

and dread my children waking me up all night long.

like i literally had a racing beating heart, and felt like i couldn't fall into a deep sleep ever,

because i was so consumed with feeling anxious and exhausted during the day.

it didn't help that maxine was scared of the dark at this time, and some little 5th grade YOU KNOW WHAT at school showed brennan five nights at freddy's on his ipod, 

which caused HIM to be afraid of the dark so he doesn't want to sleep in his basement room anymore,

and chase was sick.

for liiiiiiike a month straight.

it kind of went like this:

pukes

pukes

strep

and i think some kind of cold somewhere in there too.

then brennan got strep.

then i got strep.

it wasn't pretty!

so when my kids would finally come into my room in the mornings,

i would push them away, bc i just didn't want to get up and do it all over again.

and then very grouchily and grumpily i'd drag myself out of bed,

where most days i'd snapped at them over the daily breakfast making 

and lunch making routine everyday.

and felt like i had turned into some complete inauthentic fraud.

where was the emily that loved doing these things for her children?

where was the emily that could take on any task?

clearly, i had left her by the pool at the family yard last summer,

that's where.

it was awful.

awful to not feel like myself.

awful to feel like this was just how it was gonna be.

awful to not be able to keep the gerbil ball from spinning.

but i don't feel this way anymore!

and i'm grateful to have me back.

now, i wake up in the morning happy to face the day.

excited to face the day!

and i feel good enough to have patience, and empathy,

and my kid's friends over again {most of them anyway...eek}.

and i don't have to say "don't talk to me!" when i'm driving in the car.

and i don't have to go to bed with my kids at 9 o'clock at night.

like when i go to bed,

i look forward to the morning because i KNOW i'm gonna feel great.

i don't wake up tired or groggy.

i WAKE UP rested.

even if 4 kids have woken me up 4 different times in the middle of the night.

i don't feel like i'm going to die at 2pm if i don't get a nap.

in fact, i don't even nap anymore,

except for that one time we all had strep. 

aye-yigh-YIGH, that week was rough.

also i had the night sweats, and sean said i stunk,

but not in a mean way,

just in a "i couldn't figure out why our room smelled damp when i got up to pee, 

and then i realized you were all sweaty and THAT was what was making our room smell damp,

and it made me laugh" kind of way.

then he said he figured he owed me for all of his farting in the last 12 years.

this is why i love him. i stinketh not, hahahaha!!!

except when i do...ok so anywaaaaaaay.

when bedtime rolls around,

i fall asleep,

like sometimes even before sean,

then i stay asleep {unless someone wakes me up},

fall back asleep {if someone wakes me up--usually someone ALWAYS wakes me up},

but i don't feel like a truck hit me going 95 on the interstate 

when it's actually TIME to wake up.

i

like

waking

up:)

does this mean i'm never tired? no.

i still like to lay in bed longer on saturdays just 'cause;)

does this mean i'm happy and patient 100% of the time? no.

but 95% of the time.

yes:)

i owe all of this to three things.

are you ready to hear my three things?

here

are 

my

three

things...

1. a father in heaven who speaks.

2. a friend named brooke who listened...and didn't give up.

3. and a little woo woo pink drink that harmonized it all,

with a pretty fancy probiotic and cleanser thing with magnesium and chromium,

that whipped me RIGHT into shape.

i'm drinking the kool-aid:)

except this kool-aid is sweetened with stevia,

makes it so i don't snap at my kids or sean {as much},

OR HAVE HEADACHES in the mornings.

have i ever told you i used to get dizzy in the shower and almost pass out 

if i didn't get enough sleep?

and then i'd feel sick and feel like i was going to puke?

no more, i say!

no more!!!

and also, i don't crave sugar.

and a bunch of other things too.

mmmhmmmm.

that's

what

she

said.

wait WHAAAAAAT??!!??

the WOO WOO worked.

I REPEAT:

the.woo.woo.worked.

over and out ghostrider.

do you copy?

{brennan and sean sung me happy birthday at 6:44am}

...

in other news...

we got our christmas tree,

and dean pooped on me.

i spent the night walking around the christmas tree lot smelling luscious pine,

and dean's poop.

delicious:)

brennan, max, and chase ran around and in between all of the trees screaming at the tops of their lungs.

sean sprung for a new tree stand,

so the tree's not going to fall on me again this year.

remember that?

yeah.

me too.

batman.

i give you

THE TREE

hashtag 2015.

isn't she pretty?

such a full little tree.

i can't wait to get that batman ornament out.

i see his face every time i think of it.

good times.

do you have a tree up yet?

we skipped the german lantern festival last night to get our tree.

the candy bomber was there and pres. utchdorf.

maybe next year we'll make it!

my little german speaker is starting to talk to me more and more.

today he asked for a fruit snack in german,

and then he told me how to say please and thank you.

i couldn't help but BEAM as i put the fruit snacks away in the pantry.

he's really learning german.

and it's amazing.

i'm sending christmas cards out next week!

i LOVE sending christmas cards!!!

is your flat still the same address?

things i learned this week: 

there is no balance. there is only harmony. 

where all of the melodies play together.

i love you!

emiline

panel pants

yep, totally still 

wear my panel pants:)

b/c they're just really comfy.
{no need to worry about buttons this way}

happy 4 months TODAY chase!

i don't know how we ever managed to survive without you!

sundays {for now}

sundays.

where chase and i send our people off to church for three hours,

sit at home cooing over each other,

get bubble baths in the sink,

{him, not me},

take UNinterupted naps,

read books,

and get the longest, hottest, UNinterupted shower to my heart's content.

{me, not him}

at least until the end of may.

or whenever we decide to resurface.

heaven.

"oh i'm easy! ahhhhh ahhhh ahhhh ahhhh,

easy like sunday mornings..."

especially the crying part

yesterday i had myself a good long cry.

absolutely NECESSARY in the "i just had a baby" process.

where i vowed to give up wonder woman status,

and face the fact that i have three kids.

one of them a newborn.

and some days those things are hard all together.

and i just can't control any of it.

the three week meltdown came a week late.

i was beginning to think i was going to be able to skip it.

ha

ha

ha

i chalk it up to sleep.

i'm getting more of it.

brennan wore only underwear,

until i remembered he had preschool.

in ten minutes.

i handed him his toothbrush and a quesadilla in a plastic baggy.

and sent him off.

max was in a diaper until two.

it just felt good to let everything go.

and have it be alright.

to get absolutely nothing accomplished.

my mom showed up with subway BMT's,

potato chips,

and a bag of popsicles.

i let my kids try every flavor twice.

and then had one for myself.

it all just felt really good.

especially the crying part.

a cleanse of sorts.

like some kind of right of passage.

bring on the take out:)

get out of jail free card

chase's click clack latch has turned into a ZERO latch.

very frustrating.

after 3 weeks of no problems.

this has left me crying.

chase too.

frustrated to tears.

not in a sad way.

in a

"come on, suck!"

"we don't have time for this"

kind of way.

oodles of milk,

there for the sucking.

and yet,

he is down right refusing to suck.

as of this afternoon that is.

because before then we were at least clicking and clacking.

except late at night.

and in the middle of the night.

then he will suck. 

at least we're all sleeping.

and napping.

he's so fickle with his sucking.

after two friends, a lactation counsellor, and a charge nurse,

we are still plum out of luck.

fast letdown,

weather,

latch,

full too fast,

air bubble,

gassy,

something i've eaten,

side preference,

slippery when wet,

drowning in milk

and who really knows anyway?

kind of luck.

how is it possible that two years of first hand nursing experience can't get me out of this.

i'm experienced!

just not with chase.

we'll get it figured out.

i know we'll get it figured out.

it's the figuring out part that is not fun.

AND 

i've been mean to my big kids.

b/c i'm frustrated with nursing.

b/c even when he did latch, they would all but burn the house down in the time it takes to nurse.

not cruel.

just short and impatient.

me,

not nursing.

that's just long and frustrating.

can't they see i just need a minute?!

or three hours?

to get this baby's latch figured out?

and then nice mommy will come back.

i keep telling them to "go away."

in my stern mommy voice.

it breaks my heart.

and i swear i won't say it again.

and then out it comes,

again

and again.

and i promise to try better next time.

brennan whimpers.

max hits chase.

or just tells me no.

and throws something.

i can see it in their eyes.

confused,

sad,

what happened to my life,

look in their eyes.

this is part where i remind myself that their lives have been turned upside down.

and maybe they deserve a get out of jail free card.

but can i have one too?

i think it's time to schedule my massage.

i'd better pick up some peanut butter cheesecake and a raspberry lemonade on the way home too.

have mercy,

i didn't see this one coming.

having my cake, and eating it too.

i am completely overwhelmed.
i'm sure sleep would help, but somehow i've become too exhausted and overwhelmed to even accomplish that.
i fed max at 4am and have yet to fall back asleep.
sigh.
i wish i could say that i've gotten to this point by trying to do it all, but i don't even think i can claim that.
although, i'm sure my family gives me far too much credit for what they think i'm doing all day to agree with me about not doing it all.
they will tell you i am trying to do too much.
if taking a shower every day is doing too much, then i'm definitely guilty as charged.
i've switched into survival mode.
feeling like my head is just bobbing above the water.
i remember the 3 week mark with brennan.
i lost it about then too.
it all got better when brennan started sleeping through the night.
i know it's just the sleep.
and having to change my life.
i'm not good with change.
i like routine.
once i can find a new routine and some sleep things will improve.
when i think back to this time with brennan i can say that i should have not let my emotions get the best of me.
i cry when i'm exhausted.
i wish i didn't, but i do.
i've cried a lot in the last 12 hours.
poor sean.
i'm amazed at what the last week has done to me.
dang, even a few days ago i still felt great.
i just want to push pause for 9 hours so i can get a nice long rest and clear my head.
thank goodness my family is coming next weekend.
i need the relief.
right now, i'm dreading the day ahead.
is it 6pm yet and time for sean to come home???
even though i know this is just a fleeting moment to enjoy, my brain is telling me i'm not going to make it.
at the same time, it's telling me i'm being ridiculous.
it's just the sleep.
the lack of sleep.
i'm sure i'm not the only person to have ever felt this way...
still, for some reason it feels embarrassing to feel this way.
like i should be stronger than this.
like i shouldn't be letting the lack of sleep get to me.
not wanting to change the fact that i have two children, just wanting the ease of one back.
or at least the easy toddler i had before i had two.
i don't want the life of one back.
the life of two is better.
i just want it all to be fixed now.
i want the adjustment phase over.
without any of the work, lol.
how's that for having my cake and eating it too;-)
(at least brennan is wearing the huggie's overnighters.)

slow motion

(proof that she really does have 2 eyes under those lids!)

i need an outing.
by the time we are all dressed, fed, watered, milked, and ready, it's time for the toddler to be fed again and put down for a nap.
not that we have a plethora of options for outings by any means.
seeing that the newborn is still under isolation restriction.
i keep thinking up options in my head:
store
aquarium
discovery gateway
book store
walk (need air in tires)
store
store
store (we are almost out of diapers and fresh fruit-EMERGENCY!!!)
backyard (no sunshine today, would have to find batteries for monitor if leaving newborn inside...seems easy so why can't i get the dang things out?)
store (diapers, diapers, diapers, fruit)
and by the time i have run these options through my mind throughout the entire day it's time for dinner, bath, books, and bed.
this i attribute to my inability to currently make decisions.
all decisions are put on the back burner to nurse, eat, sleep, nurse, eat, sleep, NAP.
i'm feeling rather proud of the naps i have been clocking, but it's leaving no time for outings.
outings during toddler's nap don't count.
those would be rushed errands, and they are no fun.
half of my options would not include the newborn b/c of their location.
the other half are one option (store) that also does not include the newborn.
i want fresh air and scenery, so a walk sounds like the winner.
but no air in tires.
working to coordinate toddler waking up and newborn needing to be fed must also be included in this option.
along with daylight savings time.
i think i'll have a baby in summer next time.
i'm getting nowhere with this.
which is why when people ask "what's it like having 2?"
i respond, "sllllllloooooooooowwwwwwwww moooooooooottttiiiiiiooooooon."
eventually we'll get our groove, but until then it's back to outing options.
i think i'll just take a nap for now...
(sean said we can fill up the tires. i think we'll attempt a walk. or fall asleep trying.)
...
in other news...
i pumped this morning thinking it would give me some relief after kinz decided she was full.
i was SORELY (pun intended!) mistaken.
i hope i never have to pump again.
how did i do that so much with brennan??
my hair is greasy on the top, despite my recent shower 2 hours ago.
i'm chalking it up to hormones and may even treat myself to another later today if the outing falls through.
i got the night sweats again.
also hormonal.
at least i hope!
haha.
i'm making cookies.
and delivering them.
the end.

i was rude.

i was rude to the sean around 5:30am this morning.
dang it.
i was so tired.
lame excuse.
i was annoyed that kinz was fed and changed, but unable to keep her Binky in.
so what did sean do?
yell at me and roll over to sleep?
nope.
"you're being really rude, and it's annoying." (sean)
of course, like any mature adult i replied, "well you're annoying me too."
"what am i doing?" (sean)
"i don't know, you just are."
(b/c he wasn't doing anything, i just wanted to be bratty)
so he gave me a kiss, picked kinz up, and rocked her in the recliner until 6:30am.
luckiest girl on the block.
both of us.
and then i grovelled this morning and gave him a REALLY big smile.
he smiled back and gave me a kiss.
i think i got off too easy.
which makes me want to try harder to NOT be rude tonight.
b/c being rude is lame.
especially b/c you are tired.
...
in other news...
LA LECHE ESTA!!!!!
after 3 years of high school spanish i'm pretty positive i am not saying that grammatically correct, but you get ma' drift.
right?
i completely forgot how many diapers newborns go through.
the pork loin stayed in 1 diaper for 7 hours yesterday purely b/c i didn't even think to change his.
in my mind i felt like i had changed it.
note to self: when newborn poops, wait 5 min. b/c 9 times out of 10 there is more on the way.
we are officially set up for skype, and i officially have no clue what i am doing.
also, ann geddes called.
we told her thanks, but no thanks.

"SNS" a.k.a. operation leche

my boobs are not working yet.
i told this to dr. N this morning.
he smiled with his eyes and said lots of nice things that successfully placed him in the
"all knowing god of understanding women" category.
the scout master is there too.
for rubbing my back and catering to my every need.
little miss max thinks colostrum is a waste of her time.
thank goodness for evil formula.
i say this b/c i used to think it was evil, but now i have an entirely new perspective and am grateful for the support it is giving me until my milk arrives.
the kind that comes in little small tubes to sneak into baby's mouth while she is sucking colostrum.
SNS is what they call it.
"supplemental nursing system"
so i put aside my fears and discriminatory thoughts towards formula.

she's healthy.

i'm healthy.

her name, i adore.

her lips, her puppy dog nose and eyes, her pretty hair.

i thought it was strawberry blonde, but now it's sandy blonde.

and her toes that are as long as fingers!

they could curl around a tree branch.

really, they're that long.

operation: WAIT for milk.

max's weight was down more than 10% last night, so this tiny little tube goes into her mouth while she nurses.

oh boy, does she LOVE it!!!

i keep telling her, the BEST is yet to come.

just wait for the real deal little missy:-)

tick tock tick tock tick tock...