"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Monday, September 23, 2013

letters to Beth {hornet's nest, hitting, & red cards for talking}

this hornet's nest was bigger than my head. it is in our neighbor's yard. 
it's like a car accident. you can't help but walk up to it, 
and stare b/c you can't keep your eyes off of it, 
even though you know you should be moving right along, not stopping to stare. 
it's the most beautiful and terrifying thing all at the same time. 
i had never seen anything like it before i real life. only on winnie the pooh.
and well, it's just something spectacular in real life.
Dear Beth,
this weekend i cried.
for about 15 minutes.
ok maybe it was 30.
it had been a rough week.
brennan was grumpy and arguing with me 
every day when i picked him up from school.
it was a fight from the minute he came home 
until the minute he would go to bed.
over everything.
i'm "the meanest mom."
that's what brennan and max tell me.
so i tell them, 
"meanest mom on the block, don't ever forget it."
then i wink at them and smile.
really dramatic like.
it drives them crazy,
but it lightens it up for me, 
and usually we all end up laughing 
after i say it a few times in a row.
works like a charm every time.
then max has been hitting like a crazy woman.
every day.
lots of times every day.
nothing i did was motivating her to stop.
i pulled out every threat and time out i knew i had 
in my bag of tricks.
nothing was working.
by friday i was literally on the verge of tears 
out of complete frustration.
and not just about the hitting.
it was just a compilation of everything.
i know you know.
EVERY mom knows.
and after brennan spilled his bowl of mac and cheese 
for the THIRD time in a row,
the tears just started welling up.
over spilled mac and cheese.
except it wasn't really about the spilled mac and cheese.
although the thought that if i had anything other than carpet under my kitchen table would be nice right about then 
did cross my mind.
but it was really just about me 
feeling like nothing i was doing was working.
the entire week.
i was defeated.
and here it was friday,
the week of defeation and here i am picking up the dang mac and cheese off of the carpet again.
also, max and brennan have been fighting a lot.
and when max fights she's screechy and whiny,
and cries a lot.
{i know exactly how she feels}.
and brennan feeds off of that,
so he teases her,
pokes at her,
taunts her,
and it just makes for an exhausting process.
and all of a sudden she's a silent trouble maker.
you think she's doing something great,
like playing dolls or building blocks,
and then you walk into a room full of toilet paper torn apart,
or throwing popcorn up into the air with both hands over her head.
and she doesn't freak out when you tell her she needs to clean up her mess. she just smiles and says "ok!" and gets to work,
except sometimes she gets tired after she cleans up 3 things and wants to stop. then she's not smiling anymore.

{ignore my blurry picture. she was crazy in time out.}
and then i've gotten about 6 notes home 
from school in the last 3 weeks, 
telling me how brennan is a chatterbox and not following directions at school,
not doing his work b/c he's not listening and talking.
and i'm all "yep, that sounds about right!"
so we worked it out with him that when he has a green day he gets to play video games during nap time, and wham-OH!
4 green days in one week.
but then i still worry about him b/c he's my first,
and i used to be a teacher, and i know how hard the "talker" and "doesn't listen" kid is on the teacher. and how sometimes that's all the teacher sees once they've been labeled.
and even though i don't know if his teacher has done that,
i know i did it, and i'm just thinking about it, that's all.
and i've heard this is completely normal to worry over such things as this on your first child.
these are some of his lovely behavior charts from the 1st and 3rd week. i'm sure by the time chase goes to school i'll be coming to parent teacher conferences and be like, "behavior charts? when did those come home? sorry about that!"
poor brennan. first child is just a science experiment.
and then when we went to a baptism on saturday 
{do you remember linsey? it was her oldest son drew's baptism},
anyway during the confirmation, 
brennan stuck his head between two of the men 
in the circle,
like half of his body was THROUGH the circle,
and there he was waving at drew,
and was all "hey drew! hi!"
all loud and everything.
WAVING through guys legs.
and it happened about 2 times before i could get to him.
which was about 2 times too many, you know?
and right at that exact minute chase figured out how to escape out the side door of the primary room to the outside parking lot.
'cause all of us adults had at least ONE of our eyes closed during the confirmation prayer, and little humans are hard to watch with only ONE eye open.
and i was just feeling all down in the dumps about 
my teaching my kids how to be reverent right at that minute.
my mom and sean were there, and we were all chasing 3 different kids at 3 different times the entire time.
longest 45 minutes.
how do people get their kids to sit still?
this is not my forte.
and on saturday night,
well, i was suffocating all over!
and so i just gave into all of it and cried.
and sean was all 
"hey, you're awesome! brennan's awesome, we're good!"
and i cried a little bit more,
and we talked about how we have these 
three awesome healthy adorable children,
and how we love each other and our life,
and that it's all going to be ok,
even if i did forget to go to the store 
for eggs and fruit like i wanted,
and even if brennan gets red cards for talking 
and not following directions all year at school, 
and at least we know max will grow out of her hitting phase.
at some point.
and then on sunday morning i woke up 
still feeling a bit melancholy,
but it had rained,
and for some reason it made me feel better.
like the rain was saying,
"YO em, what up girl? 
smell the rain, 
and don't worry about the sun trying to cheer you up,
b/c we rolled the clouds in this morning! 
we've gotcha covered.
have a super great stormy sunday morning!"
and i just really appreciated the freshly rained on ground and stormy skies that the night has left for me.
and then i texted linsey, and told her that i had no plan for dinner, and so she was all, "me neither!" 
but that we should come over for dinner.
she said steak.
i said potatoes and dessert.
she said leftover beans and pasta salad.
i said rolls?
so we planned a dinner,
and went over for dinner.
and i made these amazing crackle peanut butter brownies 
that the men didn't like, but the women and children did.
we put vanilla ice cream with them.
i made the CRACK brownies in layers.
first it went fudge brownie,
then reese's peanut butter cup FILLING,
which i made b/c i was out of peanut butter cups 
and had to improvise, b/c my mind and mouth was set on them.
next, milk chocolate bars,
then melted semi-sweet choc chips stirred and melted together with more peanut butter and a little bit of vanilla, 
and finally rice crispies stirred into it, 
and smoothed out over the top of the other layers of masterpiece.
i also put a little bit of kosher salt over the top.
and it did it for me.
i don't have a single picture for you.
just know,
it was peanut butter and chocolate heaven.
and i sat there wondering 
what i was crying about the night before.
do you know how that is?
how later on you think maybe it wasn't so bad after all.
like this morning,
i'm looking out on our garden,
with the sunflowers so swollen with seeds,
and the birds were landing on the giant sunflower heads to peck out a seed for their breakfast,
the kids were riding their bikes around the patio table
like it was the gibson indie 500,
everyone was laughing and smiling,
the sun is shining,
and it was the perfect temperature.
and i was wondering what i was so worked up about last week.
and then brennan rammed max on her bike,
and max threw sand in chase's face,
and i couldn't help but laugh a little bit.
0-100 in 2.5 seconds.
life as it should be.
with 3 kids 5 and under.
chase is a REAL person all of a sudden.
he loves apple jacks cereal.
in a bowl.
and fruit snacks.
and cars.
and shoes.
he will bring you his shoes to put on him.
he also LOOOOVES to ride his little mcqueen push car.
and barney.
and his binky.
max looks so grown up, 
and her beauty just takes my breath away every day.
she loves preschool,
painting, coloring,
anything pink or princess,
and her binky.
she also loves to run around in her underwear like brennan. 
brennan's memory is scary it's so good.
he loves playing with friends, especially cade.
he loves sweets, and milk with ovaltine.
2 scoops.
he'll do just about anything for you 
if you bribe him with ice cream,
he is sooooo fun to watch when he's pretending.
and his sense of humor is over the top hilarious.
a few of my favorite brennan quotes from the last 6 months or so:

"One day I'm going to make envelopes and send them to my grown up friends." -Brennan

"Hey mom, next time we should make our roof flatter so we can make a garden up there." -Brennan

"Mom I don't like to wipe my bum on Sundays. DAY. OF. REST!" -Brennan

Sean-"who's younger? Me or mom"
B-"you dad bc you have less spots."

"You are young mom. Cause you don't have old skin. Well, except around your eyes. 
They're wrinkly like they're old. All around the eyes." -Brennan

"Mom, when I'm a teenager you can get me an iPad, not a car, 
but when it's an old iPad you can sell it and buy me a car." -Brennan

Me-Brennan come help clean up toys. 
B-I am shadow. Shadow doesn't clean up toys. 
Me-shadow had better clean up some toys or he's going to have to take a break. 
B-shadow lives in the forest. He doesn't even live here. So he doesn't have to help clean up toys. 
Me-shadow isn't going to the splash pad until he picks up some toys. 
B-ok I guess shadow could pick up 3 toys.

B-mom, can you call hulk?
Me-do you have his number?
B-dad does. He has every super hero's number. 
Call batman. 
I need to talk to him. 
To hear what voice he has. 
Can you hear me mom?!

Brennan-mom, when I get old am I gonna be a grandpa?
Brennan-woah, that's weird.

Brennan-Mom, kiss me.
Brennan-(whispering now) don't tell anyone.
Me-don't tell anyone what?
Brennan-that you kiss me. 
Me-why not?
Brennan-bc then everybody will think I love you. 

Brennan talking to max "I'm batman, NOT you're beloved prince!!!"

"I'm learnin' Spanish here! I just said quatro." -Brennan

"I'm gonna be a wrestler that doesn't smoke." -Brennan

"Mom!!!! You get an "X" for not giving me the iPad. Three "x's" and you're out!" -Brennan

"Do you know when you're a teenager you go to high school? Yep, I'm going there next year with Cade. To high school. Where you get to get your own food. There's tables there. Where you sit. With your own food. And it's a 'whittle' scary bc sometimes there's mean high schoolers who want to beat up kids that are 4. (Shows me 4 fingers). Yep. Next year Cade and me are going." -brennan
hope you have the most wonderful monday!!!
full of stickers and sunshine:)
i can't wait to hear your stories next.
i took my kids to the clark planetarium last week. FREE! i was so excited.
and i stood there reading about our solar system, 
and i just couldn't imagine how someone could not believe in some kind of god.
because there's no way this is all just here by chance.
the solar system.
and us.

they covered chase in stickers for about half and hour.
mutually beneficial for all.
it was SUPER funny:)
chase was just sooo happy to be included.

over and out.
roger roger.


Amy said...

Gag, what a not fun week! There is something about crying, though, that really helps you feel better afterward. And rain. That is good, too. It always makes me laugh how similar our boys can be.
I love that Max was happily throwing popcorn in the air. So cute.
It only gets better, I promise. And I say that sincerely, not sarcastically at all. :)

Ben and Katie Brown said...

I hear ya. It seems like I have a lot more of those days since moving here to FB. I used to have a best friend that lived literally across the way from me in our apartments and we used to just sit out side and talk across our balconies and do things like that for dinner. I miss that. It definitely helps in weeks like that. Good luck. We are all in the same boat and here for you!