short, brown hair

remember the red tint the MAC lady told me.

here it is in full force

(trying to see what short brown hair would look like)

i am afraid of short brown hair.

i think it looks DANG CUTE on my friends.

i think it looks NOT CUTE on me.

let me begin at the summer before my senior year of high school.

actually, i'd better take you back to junior year.

junior year i had really long hair.

me (left) & paige, junior year

that summer i saw my cousin's hair.

it was so cute and short.

so i went to my mom's hairdresser (these are the pre-kim days, she would have never allowed me to make such a drastic decision without some serious discussion before. if you are in crisis, you are not allowed to drasticly change your hair. love you kim).

and i chopped it.

to my ears.

it was cute for about 2 weeks.

then i took my senior portraits.

not awful.
but it's short.
i had always wanted long hair.
i had worked really hard to grow it out.
why was i taking senior pictures with short brown hair?
to this day i still don't know.
then i ate a lot.
i think this is the main issue.
what it all boils down to.
i'm a good eater.
15 pounds later i had short brown hair and really tight pants.
i even had some of my friends' mom tell me what a cute cut i had and
"could they have my hair dresser's number to get the same one?"
sounds like such a compliment now, but to an 18 yr. old it was just short of the world ending.

this picture just doesn't do it justice.
i actually really like my short brown hair here.
mainly b/c i had just done the atkin's diet and lost about 10 pounds.
mostly in my face. and rear;-) HOT DOG!
did i mention i refuse to diet now?
it's not good for the psyche.
i speak for myself and myself only, so diet on if your psyche is okay with it!
my pants were slick as a whistle to my skin with those extra pounds.
uncomfortably tight.
and NOT in the "i like big butts and i cannot lie" kinda way.
on came the beginning of 8 yrs of fad dieting and extremist exercising.
after years of despising short brown hair for the fear of looking like a mom (especially since i am one now;-)
have i finally come to terms with short, brown hair?
i'm not sure.
i can list dozens of you with short, brown hair that make me want to chop, chop, chop!
why then can't i chop?
sean says, "it's just hair."
silly boys!
i don't think it's the short brown hair at all.
i think it was me being sad inside.
sad for not knowing who i was inside, trying to like myself in my skin.
i feel really great in my skin now.
i found this one of me, i think age 10 or 11?
i clogged.
it rocked.
i really liked my short brown hair here,
but i felt nerdy.
not because of the hair.
at least, not then.

so i think i associate short brown hair with nerdiness too.
i felt like a nerd in elementary school, although stacie assures me i was not.
bless you stacie, bless you:-)
do you notice the cuffed pants?
and white pink ruffled socks?
i don't even know if it was cool then.
i really liked them a lot though.
as far as the country western outfit?
i was dancing to a country song.
enough said.
...
so, can i get past all of these issues to cut my hair and avoid a hot, sweaty neck this summer?
it took me 2 years to go dark from blonde.
it may take a decade to go short.
until then, i foresee another hot muggy summer with long hair.
at least, i think it will be...

and apparently, you goddesses really do read all the way through, not just sue!

(sue, did you like my attempt at poetry there?!)

for which i would like to say, "HOT DOG, HOT DOG, HOT DIGGITY DOG!"

and thanks, it makes me feel special:-)

i don't usually wear makeup.

am i keeping it real enough?

oh dear. i hope i am.

i am an optimistic realist.

is that an oxymoron?

or is it just a way for pessimists to sound more optimistic?

see this picture?
see that red lipstick?
i don't wear it during the day.
i can't keep my lips off of Gushy's cheeks.
or tummy for that matter.
i only wear it on special occasions.
and sometimes to church.
see that makeup?
i don't usually wear it.
i loathe taking it off.
especially mascara.
not even to church.
although, i always powder for church.
i must.
and usually i use a little concealer b/c i have "redish tints."
that's what the lady at the MAC counter told me when i was 15.
i'll never leave my house without chapstick and a water bottle.
it just won't happen.
ask anyone.
last night i couldn't sleep.
i tossed and turned.
i thought about the jogger stroller i sold on ksl.
b/c i had bought a "better" one from sears.
it really is better, but nothing is ever perfect.
me and comparisons just don't get on too well together.
you know, comparing this to that.
so i laid there for an hour comparing the two strollers.
mind you i had already sold the other one, which made the process more "anxiety-ish."
and it was on sunday.
sigh.
i must not be praying enough lately.
usually when i'm praying more i am more sensitive to sunday worthy activities.
so laying there in bed, 12:36am is one time i looked at the clock.
the new one plays my ipod.
that's an entirely separate story.
remind me to tell it later?
it folds down with one hand (the stroller, not the ipod), it has a bigger basket, it has a steering wheel that sings, honks, and makes the key ignition sound. it has cup holders, pockets galore!
i paid the same price for each stroller.
the one i have now is obviously a better buy.
it's what sean would call "T.O. in the nfl draft."
the "exciting" pick! the "fancy dancy," "i have a MAC pick."
not really, but i did blog from one once. remember?
i attach to things.
like strollers.
i tried to sell my desk on ksl too.
only you utah people know what i mean by that huh?
well, i had 3 calls for the desk, but could not bring myself to sell it.
i am typing from it now.
quite happily:-)
it was my first desk as a college student in her first "big girl apartment."
i may never get rid of it.
poor sean. he's shaking his head right now.
despite it all, he still says i'm #1.
why do i hold onto things?
would oprah's organizing guy tell me i have life issues i need to sort out?
probably so.
i also thought about how much easier it is to fall asleep when you have a newborn around.
so i turned on my new lamp from IKEA that i hung with pride on saturday night.
it's a big ball and it's LOVELY.
i don't care for the white-ish light, but i do love the style and ambiance it brings during the day.
i read and read and read, "these is my words."
i felt inspired by sarah.
her honesty, her desire to be someone else, but courage to be herself.
i need some more of that.
some days are better than others.
i thought about cutting my hair.
short-ER.
i have a fear of short brown hair.
not on others, just on myself.
and then i got tired.
and i thought about how much i hate not being able to fall asleep, but how quiet and thoughtful those nights are.
still, i'd rather just fall asleep.
anyone other than sue make it all the way through this??? oh sue, you're such a doll! bless you:-)