always

september was rough.

i felt like i was constantly drowning.

like i was in this state of ongoing anxiety

that wouldn't even leave me alone when i was sleeping.

i kept thinking,

i see why people take prozac.

and then i started thinking,

maybe i need some prozac!

remember the eggs that needed mayo?

that was my breaking point.

and somewhere along the way my milk all but dried up.

and somewhere in there i cried about all of it while making sewing cards at a relief society activity i had helped plan at the church.

very therapeutic, i assure you.

5 days of pumping and a couple of early bedtimes later,

my milk was back.

heavens don't make me do that again.

the making my body think it was nursing 12 times a day part.

don't make me do THAT part again.

the early bedtime part though.

i like that part.

THAT part can stay.

and stay forever:)

i just keep doing over and over and over again,

going to sleep early.

like 9pm guys.

i go to bed at 9pm.

and i keep wondering why it took me four kids to figure this secret of sleep out until now???

i don't watch tv.

it's weird.

who have i become???

a person that sleeps 8 hours a night,

that's who:)

so when my boobs wake me up at 6am,

and i lay there for an hour waiting for my alarm or my baby to get me up,

i'm not even mad about it.

because if there's one thing nursing 4 babies has taught me,

it's that having too much milk is always the problem you wanna have.

ALWAYS:) 

and also,

a baby that sleeps in 12 hours stretches:)

at 4 months old.

on an only breastmilk diet.

who ever even HEARD of something like that before???

god bless baby dean:)

and god bless sleep.

it cures all the world's problems overnight.

{my money's on hazel, by the way.}

"i a mommy"

my mornings just got a lot easier.

max kept saying, "i a mommy. i a mommy!"

and chase just kept looking up into her beautiful baby blues.

with his own little set and ginger hair.

i am loving this once a day break.

and missing it all at the same time.

funny how that happens.

more calories

at his 4 month check this week it was decided that chase is lacking calories.

all in favor of having this problem say "EYE"!!!

let the fattening begin:)

not the best sharer.

i was feeling like i was getting into a slump.

too stuck in our routine.

wearing the same clothes every day.

falling onto the couch in complete exhaustion every night.

and i realized today,

NO MORE!

so i pinched my cheeks,

clicked my red ruby slippers,

and called sean's mom up for some grandma time with the biggest gibbies.

then i straightened my hair,

squeezed into a pair of jeans that actually buttoned 

{no i am NOT back into my regular pants, 

just my after baby pants,

 and they're tight,

but they buttoned.

it always takes me a good year. 

and really, i just like panel pants a lot.

just sayin'.} 

so i put some makeup on my pretty little face,

and took my two men out on the town.

i nursed my baby right there at the table.

a first for me.

although i'm not one to nurse al-a-mode {wink wink},

it wasn't so bad all covered up.

and quite convenient i must say.

my new favorite way to wait for my food to come.

don't judge.

i had to fight baby chase off of my raspberry lemonade.

his charming little face almost made me cave to give him a little taste.

i didn't,

but mainly b/c i'm not the best sharer.

it's a work in progress.

baby steps;)

sean and i shared our entree b/c we're cute like that,

but i made him get his OWN cheesecake.

like i said,

i'm not the best sharer.

but let me tell you,

i was the bell of the ball with those two men on my arm tonight.

one lucky lady i am.

happy date night.

i've missed you.

while i was nursing...{tramp chips}

brennan snuck the first bag out without me batting an eyelash.
max came whipping through the backdoor and grabbed something blue.
like a flying pink flash.
in,
then out.
from what i thought came from the recent costco loot i had left on the counter so i could hurry and feed chase.
after she ran outside with it i kept trying to remember what i had bought that was metallic blue.
but they were outside and no one was fighting.
leaving chase i inside happily nursing.
so i enjoyed the quiet and marvelled in my beautiful nursing life.
about 10 minutes later i found them.
on a hot tramp,
with hundreds of my favorite peanut butter and white chocolate chips,
melting.
they were picking up each melted morsel and enjoying their delicacies.
at first i tried to salvage what i could.
packing as many melted chips back into the reese's peanut butter chip bag as i could.
it didn't hit me until i brought them inside that our tramp is filthy,
and of course i had already licked my fingers several times in the cleaning up process.
what did i really plan to do with all of these melted chips anyway???
i left them on the counter in mourning,
scolded the two culprits calmly {really, i did. it was a good day. go me.}
b/c on the way home from costco i was just thinking that they hadn't done anything naughty while i was nursing in awhile,
and maybe we were beyond that.
and i just kept thinking "this is funny."
hasty
hasty
tasty:)

latch is back {swimming}

swimming lessons.

this morning.

feels like summer is closer than ever.

felt good to get out.

all of us together.

bree fed chase from a bottle.

nursing out and about is not in my nature.

too much work to cover us all up.

too much pride to let it all hang out.

it's just not for me.

he fell asleep on her after.

nice and full milky tummy.

max kept begging to get in the pool with the boys.

i offered her juice boxes, star shaped marshmallows, and my phone to entertain.

she would not be pawed at.

but settled for her binky and blankie in the end.

thank goodness she doesn't know how to unclip the stroller straps.

LATCH IS BACK.

in case you were wondering.

happy me.

happy chase...sort of.

his tummy still gurgles.

and he cries from the cramps after eating.

but then i burp him,

cuddle him,

{usually scold the big kids for jumping on us or dumping out a box of cereal}

and finish up by swaddling him like a burrito, with a binky

and he nods off to sleep.

target was out of gripe water this morning.

for chase's gurgling tummy.

i went by myself before sean left for work.

the lady in the baby aisle offered to call another target.

the thought of coming back later with all three kids to another store did not sound like an option.

but now that we've conquered swimming lessons before 11am

{AND ON TIME...within 5 minutes}

it doesn't sound so badly after all.

while i was nursing...

"sand party."

that's what they said.