"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Saturday, March 13, 2010

enough.

i used to not make enough milk.
it was a sad time in motherhood for me.
brennan screamed a lot.
i'm starting to think he wasn't colic-y.
just starving all of the time.
poor thing.
but i was persistent.
and hell bent on nursing.
good thing too, b/c i don't think i would have stuck with it if this time had been switched with the first experience.
i would have had no time to be so darn persistent.
but i'm glad i had the time.
my days kind of went like this:
nurse for 45 min
(poor little guy just sucked until the cows came home, hoping there would be more?)
pump for 15 min
soothe screaming baby while pumping.
clean pumping stuff.
soothe screaming baby.
possibly feed baby what was pumped.
you know, the 1/2 oz it took me 15 min to pump.
that was a 1/2 oz TOTAL from both sides.
and then start the process all over again.
i never want to go through that again.
i felt worthless.
i felt like a bad mom.
i was obsessed with trying to stock my freezer full of frozen breast milk.
it was like if i could make a lot of milk then maybe i would be a better mom.
sounds so silly to me now.
i was angry with my body for not being able to make milk.
i was angry that things weren't easy like i thought they would be.
i felt depressed and exhausted.
thank goodness for sean's big sister and milk mary in arizona.
i learned LOTS about boobs and milk from them.
milk production to be exact.
so i increased my milk supply.
doubled it in fact, which still was not very much.
but it was enough.
and the pork loin and i made it 13 months.
it was awesome.
now i have more milk than max can eat.
and i don't want to come within 5 feet of my pump.
there's nothing i want to do less than pumping.
yet, when i can't stand it anymore (usually after max hasn't even drained me on one side in the middle of the night), i go out in the front room and get the old ball and chain out.
and even though i don't want to do it, there's a little bit of satisfaction in it.
a smile that makes me feel relieved that there's enough.
but even when there wasn't enough,
i was still enough.
and i'm glad i know that now.
...
having trouble with milk?
email me:-)
emilygibson82@yahoo.com

4 comments:

The Jackson Family said...

You're one tough cookie. I didn't have enough milk and could not handle the stress of Tyler losing ounces and having to nurse for an hour and a half before being satisfied. He's been on Enfamil since he was 2 weeks old and although I felt disappointed that breastfeeding wasn't working for us, I never once felt guilty. He's a happy and healthy 8-month-old now and that's all that matters :)

Sue said...

I used to have too much milk, which was a trial in its way, too.

I'm glad you stuck with it! (And I'm very impressed by your tenacity.)

=)

Lauren said...

too close to home :( still workin on it and hope hope hoping! (and i would love that nursing attachment! thx!)

Emmy said...

Too much is definitely the better alternative.. well unless you were my SIL who went from a B cup to a G.. yeah she had too much