without the vultures

the vultures are out to get my money.
at least that's what it felt like as i perusing bathroom soaps this afternoon.
sean was at home with the kids while they napped.
i envied my last year's self that was too poor to spend money.
the self that just got to enjoy the holiday season without the stresses of gift giving.
we had/got to opt out of all it.
and put a limit on brennan of less than $20.
$10 for eachother.
we could have gotten him nothing,
and us nothing,
but we wanted to have a little fun.
so we budgeted it into to our tiny little nest egg.
and today, i felt anxious.
the need to add the stress of gift giving back into my holiday season.
no sir,
i will not.
but how to find the happy medium???
b/c i really do enjoy giving gifts.
watching someone open a gift i've given.
or receiving a thank you note from the happy opener.
although, sometimes i feel like i'm the only one sending thank you notes.
which may be b/c i haven't been giving much lately.
just receiving.
how grateful we are for everything we've received.
thank you just hasn't felt like enough.
how much i LOVE to receive.
to give thanks.
open presents.
oh, how i love to open presents.
which i cannot if no one gives.
which everyone else cannot if i don't give.
but somewhere there's a place where in the middle,
where the gift is not the thing that matters.
which is what i really love about christmas anyway.
the spirit of christmas.
the feeling it brings.
the feeling of home.
and comfort.
and joy.
for the gift of my deepest spiritual beliefs.
adding to the list of "new": giving.
but without the vultures.