"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Friday, April 8, 2011

a tsunami pit

(playing "spin the body" on my computer chair.)
have you ever left your kids?
i am supposed to be leaving monday.
and last night,
my heart started racing.
and i felt like i could puke.
i laid in bed for an hour.
tossing and turning.
thinking of everything that could happen.
and not the obvious.
my mother in law and sean are taking care of the kids.
not worried about that.
just the part about me being on an island in the pacific ocean.
a day away.
maybe more.
from my babies.
mainly max.
for some reason,
it's harder to leave the baby.
not b/c i won't miss brennan.
i just know he's big enough.
if that makes sense.
and she's not.
in my mind.
i started thinking about tsunamis.
i said this to sean as he was leaving this morning.
like he was literally walking out the door.
he said, "i don't think i have time to talk about tsunamis."
but not in a jerky way.
in a "i want to give you the attention your feelings deserve" way.
love him.
then he reminded me i have a greater chance of dying in the car on the way to the airport.
or in a plane crash.
i told him this wasn't making me feel any better.
then he made up some random statistics.
"you have a one in 3 billion chance of being in a tsunami."
so i said, "yeah, but that number is like a lot less with all of the earthquakes in japan. wasn't there another one yesterday?"
and he said, "you can't live your life in a cave."
and i said, "then i need to take her with me."
and he said, "(laughing) well, that's up to you. i have to go tsunami."
and now i just have this pit in my stomach.
and i know it's normal,
but i'm just not sure i can get on the plane monday.


Sue said...

Take a leap, Em! I have a feeling you'll be glad you did.

And facing down anxieties always makes me feel victorious. (Admittedly, not so fun during...)


jen said...

I feel like that a little less each time I leave. I'm with Sue. Jump, Baby, JUMP! Where ya headed?

Katie said...

Last year when we went to DC, I cried for about the first 3 hrs in the car. Total freak-out. I am like you, not so much worried about something happening to them, but about the seperation of them from me, and something happening to me while I am away from them...and most of all, SOMEONE ELSE RAISING THEM. That last part makes my stomach drop.

Anonymous said...

LOL I think my husband feels like yours, "I don't have time to talk about tsunamis." Except for my husband even spilled milk seems like a tsunami and he is running around like the reacter is gonna blow. ;o)

Love your blog.

Lauren said...

I hear ya. It was hard for me to leave Carson at home when I went back to HMB for my grandmother's funeral. I missed him tons, but when I was there all crazy busy and sad, it was for sure easier to know he was at home getting his normal naps and food and sleep instead of being all thrown off by the insanity of that weekend... It will be hard but she will be ok! and so will you!

Kindra said...

Totally know how you feel! Sounds like you have a fun trip planned, do whatever will make you happy and have sooo much fun!

McVal said...

You're going to be fine!!! And have a wonderful time. I remember my first weekend away from my baby... It wasn't to an island, but it might as well have been.

Fiauna said...

About six years ago my hubby and I went to Japan for a week sans children. At one point, in a Kyoto subway station, I saw a little Japanese boy lost and crying. Tears jumped into my eyes and my heart dropped: I missed my kids. On the last day of our trip all my hubby and I could talk about was our kids and how much we missed them. Oh, but it was so worth it! : )

MiMi said...

Awww, it will be okay!

Amy said...

That just goes to show what a wonderful mother you are, and how much better it will be to see them when you get home.