(playing "spin the body" on my computer chair.)have you ever left your kids?
i am supposed to be leaving monday.
and last night,
my heart started racing.
and i felt like i could puke.
i laid in bed for an hour.
tossing and turning.
thinking of everything that could happen.
and not the obvious.
my mother in law and sean are taking care of the kids.
not worried about that.
just the part about me being on an island in the pacific ocean.
a day away.
from my babies.
for some reason,
it's harder to leave the baby.
not b/c i won't miss brennan.
i just know he's big enough.
if that makes sense.
and she's not.
in my mind.
i started thinking about tsunamis.
i said this to sean as he was leaving this morning.
like he was literally walking out the door.
he said, "i don't think i have time to talk about tsunamis."
but not in a jerky way.
in a "i want to give you the attention your feelings deserve" way.
then he reminded me i have a greater chance of dying in the car on the way to the airport.
or in a plane crash.
i told him this wasn't making me feel any better.
then he made up some random statistics.
"you have a one in 3 billion chance of being in a tsunami."
so i said, "yeah, but that number is like a lot less with all of the earthquakes in japan. wasn't there another one yesterday?"
and he said, "you can't live your life in a cave."
and i said, "then i need to take her with me."
and he said, "(laughing) well, that's up to you. i have to go tsunami."
and now i just have this pit in my stomach.
and i know it's normal,
but i'm just not sure i can get on the plane monday.