"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Saturday, April 28, 2012

get out of jail free card

chase's click clack latch has turned into a ZERO latch.
very frustrating.
after 3 weeks of no problems.
this has left me crying.
chase too.
frustrated to tears.
not in a sad way.
in a
"come on, suck!"
"we don't have time for this"
kind of way.
oodles of milk,
there for the sucking.
and yet,
he is down right refusing to suck.
as of this afternoon that is.
because before then we were at least clicking and clacking.
except late at night.
and in the middle of the night.
then he will suck. 
at least we're all sleeping.
and napping.
he's so fickle with his sucking.
after two friends, a lactation counsellor, and a charge nurse,
we are still plum out of luck.
fast letdown,
weather,
latch,
full too fast,
air bubble,
gassy,
something i've eaten,
side preference,
slippery when wet,
drowning in milk
and who really knows anyway?
kind of luck.
how is it possible that two years of first hand nursing experience can't get me out of this.
i'm experienced!
just not with chase.
we'll get it figured out.
i know we'll get it figured out.
it's the figuring out part that is not fun.
AND 
i've been mean to my big kids.
b/c i'm frustrated with nursing.
b/c even when he did latch, they would all but burn the house down in the time it takes to nurse.
not cruel.
just short and impatient.
me,
not nursing.
that's just long and frustrating.
can't they see i just need a minute?!
or three hours?
to get this baby's latch figured out?
and then nice mommy will come back.
i keep telling them to "go away."
in my stern mommy voice.
it breaks my heart.
and i swear i won't say it again.
and then out it comes,
again
and again.
and i promise to try better next time.
brennan whimpers.
max hits chase.
or just tells me no.
and throws something.
i can see it in their eyes.
confused,
sad,
what happened to my life,
look in their eyes.
this is part where i remind myself that their lives have been turned upside down.
and maybe they deserve a get out of jail free card.
but can i have one too?
i think it's time to schedule my massage.
i'd better pick up some peanut butter cheesecake and a raspberry lemonade on the way home too.
have mercy,
i didn't see this one coming.

5 comments:

Sue said...

One of my kids was like that early on, so I just held my nipple flat, shoved it in pretty far, and then kept my fingers there holding it flat the whole time she nursed, to make sure enough of it was in her mouth and to jiggle it when she stopped. She got the hang of it after awhile.

She was a pain to nurse at first, though.

"/

PS. Hang in there!

Katie said...

Haaaard. Yes, you will figure it out, but that is sooo hard.

Kindra said...

Oh my, I am almost crying just thinking about it. I hope the last couple of days have been better. Hang in there Mama! I always say nursing is one of the hardest things I've ever done but personally by the end I have a hard time giving it up! It's worth it.

Emmy said...

Oh Em! I am so sorry. It is hard and it does turn everything upside-down- but soon this upside down will feel just right and perfect and these things will all just be memories you read on your blog and things will be good. Hang in there!! Come on Chase- suck!!

SarahCollett said...

Oh my daughter was the same way because my let down was so fast - I had sooo much milk from the start! I know there are many negative things written about them, but I used Avent nipple shields for a few months, and the shield allowed milk to collect in there and slow it down a little. She nursed, we rejoiced, and after a few months I leaned over her with my breast out to get my shield, and she was so eager she just latched on without any shields. Its gotta be worth a try!!! Just keep them real clean and sterilized, and be sure to drain a breast before moving on to the next side to avoid blockages or mastitis. You dont know me, but I know your pain, AND YOU CAN DO IT GIRL! :)