letters to Beth {the tv and dresser fell on chase}

dear beth,

welp, this morning chalked up to be my most traumatic in motherhood.

you might say this is an overly dramatic statement, but nevertheless,

my legs are still feeling like jelly 3 hours later.

chase was watching a movie, sitting on the seat at the end of my bed as usual.

brennan and max were at a friend's house,

and i was just getting out of the shower.

i was squishing the water out of my hair and reaching for a towel,

and then i heard the loudest crashing sound i've ever heard.

and i knew.

i knew what had happened before i opened the door.

i flung the door open as fast as i could,

and it was worse than i thought.

i get really calm in crisis, but i was scared to death.

i thought for sure he was broken.

the pelvis.

his head.

something was definitely going to be wrong.

this was just too heavy all on him for him to be ok.

this is what i was thinking.

i was praying he wasn't broken,

but i was just so sure he was going to be broken.

i'm pretty sure i said "oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh" over and over again the entire time.

i could hear chase screaming from under everything, and it was awful. 

i tried to pull the drawers off of him first and reach for him with the other hand.

but everything was just so heavy.

and i just remember thinking "get him out get him out get him out!!!"

yelling at myself in my head.

the wood was cracking because everything was tilted, and then it fell on him again.

and it was torturing me that it was taking so long to get to him,

but everything was just so awkward and heavy.

i still don't remember how i even got him out,

but i finally lifted everything enough to pull him out.

{remember i'm still dripping wet and completely naked, but i didn't even care.}

we just sat on the floor and i burst into tears, 

and we both were crying together for a good 5 minutes.

i think he might have been crying more b/c i was crying, and it freaked him out,

but i just couldn't stop crying.

from the minute i pulled him out i just couldn't stop.

i didn't want to put him down,

and he just wanted to lay on my bare naked chest.

i finally got up the courage to stand him up,

and i was just SURE he was broken.

but by the grace of god he was NOT broken.

he was drenched on one side of his body,

and the carpet looked like someone had peed on it,

but i assure you i did not.

and he did not.

which i was proud of us both for not doing

b/c it was just so scary.

my hair had just dripped all over us.

i just kept thinking i was going to have to call 911,

and they were going to find me holding broken chase, 

and i would be all wet and naked!

when he stopped crying and started walking around i felt a little bit better

and finally stopped crying,

once chase started pointing at the upside down tv 

begging for me to turn his movie back on i knew he was ok,

so i called sean and took a picture of what had happened so he could see.

and chase was running around acting normal,

but i just couldn't shake my nerves.

it shook me up,

and it shook me up bad.

then i called linsey and started crying all over again,

and she promised they would come over and help us bolt everything to the walls this weekend.

and she told me to take some deep breaths,

and kept trying to figure out how it had even happened,

and we concluded it must have been b/c he tried to climb up the drawers,

which most likely ended up shielding him from most of the weight when it actually all fell on him.

and do you know what i kept thinking?

i kept thinking that all of the problems i was worrying about in the shower 

were not even problems if chase were hurt.

just as long as he didn't come out of there with a broken head or pelvis,

then everything was going to be ok.

i still haven't moved that dresser and tv back into place.

i just wanted to leave it.

i don't know why.

maybe i will go through and clean out the drawers for the goodwill tonight.

i don't want to ever have that happen ever again.

i'm just so relieved chase is ok.

have you ever had something really scary like that happen?

is bear a climber?

my other kids are not climbers.

i've always thought people were being a little overly cautious when they bolt stuff to the walls,

but now i have vowed be more compassionate.

that seems to be a common thread in my life lately.

learning to be more compassionate.

it's so great and so awful all at the same time.

do you know?

i've been waiting and waiting to write to you about christmas

but something is wrong with my computer, 

and it won't load pictures from my phone to my computer,

so i have all of these pictures from christmas that i can't do anything with until it gets fixed.

and honestly,

it just seems weird to tell you about anything other than this right now.

man, i think we dodged the bullet this time.

and thank goodness nobody but chase had to see me dripping wet and naked this morning.

phew.

i love you,

emily