"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Friday, February 20, 2015

years old that is {watership down and chapter 2}

it's so different at 32 than it was at 25.
years old i mean.
like, for once, i'm not in a rush to not be pregnant,
even though my varicose veins are A MESS.
reeeeaaaaalllly a mess.
and there's for sure another 8 pounds of baby that's gonna be weighed onto those already overly stressed veins, plus whatever i'm eating in chocolate peanut butter tillamook ice cream several times a week,
but it doesn't really matter.
the pain.
i don't know why.
i just know it's not as big of a deal as it used to be, even though they're worse this time than any other.
maybe that's just the compression tights talking.
it's probably just the 23 weeks talking.
i'm just saying that i think after 4 times of this rodeo,
i've finally figured out how to enjoy the getting there.
because i know that once we're there,
it will all be different again.
and i will miss the way icy cold juice tastes,
and the way food just caaaaaaallllls to me.
like bacon.
and the other day when neil was eating my pepperoni pizza and breadsticks on the back patio, enjoying this unseasonably warm february NOT WINTER weather,
he was all, "the best time in your life is right now."
and i was like, "that's what they tell me. when you're kids are young, enjoy it. i'm loving it!"
and he was all, "no, what i'm saaaaaying is, IS that the BEST time in your life is RIGHT NOW. no matter what stage you're in. THIS time right now is the best time in your life, and THIS time in my life is the best time of my life, just like it was when i was in your phase of life when IT was the best time of my life. cathy and i have no schedule, no one to take care of, nowhere to be, except walking the new puppy and playing with the grandkids, and it's THE BEST! but when we were young bucks, raising all of our little kids, THAT was the best time of our life. the time you're IN, the exact time you're IN that very moment, that's always the best time of your life right then."
and it's not like they've had a perfect life their entire life or anything like that.
it's just that they "get it."
life, you know.
and i sat there with the vitamin D soaking into my face thinking about that while i ate the strawberries chase left on his lunch plate, and i realized how genius it was.
and so cliche. 
but i'd just never really thought it about like he explained it.
even though i've heard it a thousand times in a different, but same way before.
no time like the present.
there's no time like the present!
now this is where you tune out and roll your eyes, "like here she goes all joy in the journey on me."
but that's not what i'm saying.
and please something take that tile down from my kitchen counter anyway.
what i'm saying is that the summer before senior year i had to read watership down for AP english.
i HATED watership down.
i also wasn't fond of AP english, but that's another story.
i still get anxiety thinking about that book and the talking bunnies.
that book that felt like 1000 pages of TALKING BUNNIES.
it was NOT my jam.
and so when i was on page 63, and chapter 1 still wasn't going to be over until page 103 {hypothetically, are you with me???},
i'd sit there and read a page and go "only 40 more pages until chapter 2...only 39 more pages until chapter 2...only 38 more pages until chapter 2..."
all the way to chapter two.
and then finally i'd get to chapter 2, and the entire thing started over for chapter 3.
just get through it so you can be done.
and so many times in my life i feel like i've had those moments.
just get through it so you can be done.
count down.
and as long as you KNOW it's the best time of your life while your'e in it,
that's the gift.
just BEING on page 63.
even though chapter 2 isn't until page 103.
and there's a lot of work and time and patience required in getting to chapter 2 on page 103.
but you'll never be on page 63 again.
you'll never read it that same way ever again,
even if you read the book again.
so i guess what i'm saying is that i feel this shift deep down inside of me.
like i'm learning to appreciate the good in all of my seasons.
even the ones that aren't my favorite.
like sean working saturdays,
and chase pooping in his underwear,
and max scratching people's faces,
because page 63 might be filled with poop and exhaustion,
but it's also filled with almost 3 year olds that want to sit on my lap just to be held,
and almost 7 year olds that tell you you're the most perfect morning waker-upper ever because you knew they were at the end of their sweetest dream and now can you make them pancakes please?
and 5 year olds that play barbies on the front window seat in the 5 o'clock sun with you.
and those parts of "page 63" make the getting to "page 103" so much more amazing.
because anything bad along the way is just different.
it can be good and it can be bad,
but whatever you're doing and whatever phase you're in CAN be the best time in your life.
if you will just let it be.
in the face of the things that aren't perfect while you're in it.
i can't tell you how many times i've looked back on the time when i was pregnant with maxine,
with brennan being one.
and i was SO excited to have another baby.
to do it all again.
especially to be having a girl! and it made me feel so girly,
and i was in SUCH a rush to finally be a mom with two kids
that i think i missed brennan being one for a little bit at the end there.
and then when i was pregnant with chase, i was just sooooo not wanting to be pregnant because i was soooo consumed with the pain of my varicose veins, and the weight of carrying that giant baby up and down all of the stairs in our house in my tummy that i just wanted him out 
and here so we could get on with things.
and i could tackle this three kid business that everyone wouldn't stop talking about.
sure i enjoyed brennan and max during that time,
but not like now.
i feel like i'm savoring every day with my family just as it is right now.
because i know that in some 16 or 17 weeks that this time in my life with almost 7 year old brennan, 5 year old max, and almost 3 year old chase will be over.
and a new and different time will begin.
the good, the difficult, the new, the familiar, all of it.
but it's like i don't have anything to prove or get through for once.
because i'm just being.
being on "page 63."
and just like i yearn to go back and live one day with one year old brennan,
watching the hills on my recorded VHS tapes,
and eating lunch in a quiet house with a napping little one year old boy and max in my belly,
and just like i wish i could go back to holding baby maxine at 3 days old,
and going to the children's museum with 3 year old brennan and 1 year old max, and chase in my belly,
i know this time that i'll treasure these days just like those,
the time where i got brennan off to school in the morning, made his lunch, cooked him breakfast, put on his socks and tied his shoes without any other stresses than trying to do it all before susie shows up for morning carpool,
the time where max shows up at the top of the stairs with her beaming bright eyed smile that lights up the entire house with sean getting in the shower for work,
and at some point the creek of chase's door signaling us that someone needs to run up and help him go pee, and then gosh darn it and for heaven's sake somebody have his milk ready for him.
so right now, i'm taking the time to treasure them. 
right now as they are.
almost 7, 5, and almost 3.
not worrying about how long it will take the finish the basement,
but enjoying that it's just going on.
and the life that all of it brings to this amazing little house we are living in.
which is something i just don't know if i've done like i am doing right now.
maybe it's that i'm 32 and not 25.
years old that is.

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