"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Friday, June 5, 2015

the day chase ate 1-3 adult stool softeners and we didn't figure it out until 9 hours later.

so tuesdee.
let me tell ya about tuesdee.
i was in a panic about my seeds not being up yet.
the pumpkins in particular.
because if the green beans didn't come,
i'd be sad,
but if the pumpkins didn't come up i'd be devastated.
it had been 12 days,
and tiff and i agreed that maybe we'd just gotten a bad pack.
i was cursing harmon's bc last year the seeds i bought from them never came up either.
so tiff and i agreed that i'd better get my big old pregnant belly out there to replant the pumpkins just in case, or just come to terms with the fact that i probably wouldn't have pumpkins.
i couldn't come to terms with it,
so out i went, and it was hot.
REAL{ly} hot.
on my way back in about ten minutes later, 
out comes chase walking with the children's gummy vitamins in hand.
which meant i knew he had climbed up onto the kitchen counter again.
first he gets the little stool out of the pantry,
then he climbs up onto the garbage can,
and from there it's free reign on the entire kitchen counter.
so i scolded him for getting into the cabinet,
put the stool away,
and sent tiff an EXASPERATED text 
that i was too pregnant and it was too hot for seeds to not be coming up!!!
pretty much, i think i was just hot.
hot and cranky.
then i realized i hadn't eaten lunch,
the kids hadn't eaten lunch,
and we were all just cranky, hot, and hungry.
we ate lunch,
chase pooped in his pants THRICE in half an hour,
and so i waved the white flag of surrender and just decided 
i would put him down early for a nap,
give max a movie,
put my feet up, and take the rest of the day off.
that is until it was time for carpool.
once i picked up carpool and chase woke up from his nap,
it was a pooping frenzie all over again.
i was BESIDE myself!
every time i turned around he was pooping in his underwear.
and i was just feeling like i am the worst potty trainer on the planet.
i emailed the pediatrician,
alerting him that he was being emailed by a VERY CRAZY PREGNANT lady,
and what did he think about putting chase back in diapers because i honestly couldn't clean poop out of underwear one more time today, and with a newborn baby coming in one week this was just putting me over the edge, but wouldn't that make my life harder anyway b/c i know chase wouldn't pee in a diaper anyway, and so i'd be taking a diaper off and putting it back on all day long for him to be potty trained except for the poop AGAIN,
and could he please either give me a pep talk or give me SOME kind of secret he's been holding out on this entire time on how to get this insanity to stop!
like the count was up to 6 times of pooping in his underwear at this point,
and i was loosing it.
i just knew my fingers were gonna smell like poop for the rest of my life.
sean came home from work,
chase pooped in his underwear another 3 times,
and then he was asking me where the diapers were because now every time he was turning around his fingers were permanently smelling like poop too, and aren't we glad we have these three kids so under control just in time for a newborn to come???
so off he hoisted chase into the bath as it was almost bedtime anyway,
and that's when i took a breather and went to take my vitamins for the day.
which is when i noticed that the stool softeners were gone.
like they weren't sitting in their normal spot in the kitchen cabinet,
neatly hidden behind the children's gummy vitamins.
and that's when all of a sudden it hit me.
and so i yelled up to the bath,
and he was all, "WHAAAAAT???!!!"
and i was all,
and max was all, "yep, he did, i saw him. i told him not to, 
but he did anyway. naughty, naughty."
very matter of factly.
and sean and i were all, "oh my GOOOOSH!!! max!!! you have to tell us if you see something like that!!! and CHASE!!! you don't do that!!!"
you know, responsible parent stuff where you're really just standing there in shock and thinking someone's going to come and take your children away from you because you clearly aren't watching your kids like you should.
and also, i was laughing a lot.
like i tried to not laugh,
but it was just really funny,
and i couldn't stop laughing.
and i didn't think it was actually life threatening,
but i did call my sister in law natalie, who's a nurse,
and after she stopped laughing,
i counted the number of pills in the bottle,
questioned max a million times how many he ate,
and it was determined he could have eaten anywhere between 1 and 3 of them,
at which point we both decided we'd better play it safe 
and call poison control to square things up here.
except i couldn't stop laughing,
and i was just really thinking how he needed to be nice and cleaned out anyway, 
and why had i been wasting my time with miralax on him all this time,
when i could have been giving him these!
much more effective.
{the bottle DID say 1 pill was safe for 2 and up just FYI.}
and sean was all, "honey, stop laughing! this isn't funny!"
{except later he said it was funny--he's just more responsible and mature in the moment than me almost always.}
so i very responsibly and calmly stopped laughing, 
and called poison control like the grown up i am,
and used my best this is not funny voice so they knew i was one of the RESPONSIBLE parents calling poison control, not one of the irresponsible ones.
and they told me to fill him up with crystal light,
and call us back if he started puking,
and they actually had a lot of calls coming in right now,
and could they just call back and check on him in the morning {this is when i knew for sure we were in the clear and i didn't have to feel badly about laughing anymore.}
he was acting normal all night after all, and eating and running and playing,
and pleased a punch that for once i let him eat a banana,
as these ARE his favorite fruit,
but he can never have them because he's always so stopped up i won't let him.
{i have to hide them in new spots every week because i have found him closet eating them at lightening fast speeds when no one's looking or around to catch him.}
so anyway,
he drank his big sippy full of crystal light,
went to bed,
woke up an hour later to pee out about a gallon of pee,
and that was the end of the chase ray ate 1-3 adult stool softeners saga.
{i emailed the pediatrician back again around midnight that night saying, guess what?! i have SUCH  funny story for you. please disregard previous crazy pregnant lady email as the crisis has been averted! and i can't wait to tell you the story of how chase ray ate 1-3 adult stool softeners when i see you in 10 days when gibson #4 is born, at which point i will no longer be pregnant crazy, 
just newborn mother crazy. 
his response: "i have no words. let's chalk this up to pregnancy brain and never speak of it again! good luck, and see you soon." by now sean was also laughing, and i was all "why don't they have child locks on the stool softeners anyway???" and then we went to bed and didn't feel like we were the WORST potty trainers ever, just normally not good.}. 
the pumpkins came up after all.
and not the ones i replanted tuesdee.
the original ones we planted two weeks ago.
AND there are 7 peaches on the peach tree.
glory be,
friday is better than tuesdee.
{the end.}

1 comment:

Amy Involuntary said...

Hahahaha! What a funny and terrifying story! Wow. I cannot believe it has been so long since I read your blog. I have been missing out on so much cheer and hilarity!