"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

SNAIL {37.5 weeks}

if i could describe myself 
as anything right now 
it would be a snail.
everything i do is at about .5 miles per hour.
slower if i've been sitting for too long.
my grandma gigi and i are like two 90 year olds in a pod.
{and i've actually really liked having our aches and pains in common. it's been a bonding thing, so TA speak.}
i was looking at pictures of me pregnant with the other gibs,
because i'm obsessed with worrying about this baby coming out at 10 pounds.
and in my searching of belly comparisons, 
i found one of me when i was pregnant with max at exactly the same 37.5 weeks that i am right now.
and basically the exact same progression.
except i'm pretty sure my belly is about DOUBLE in size with this current babe,
and i can't do a thing about it.
not
a
single
thing.
i remember when i was pregnant with brennan being so afraid of how everything would go.
mostly with the delivery.
and thinking that a gal would only have anxieties and fears with the first baby she had.
because after that, she'd be a pro.
but every time i have a baby i have fears and anxieties.
usually stuff that has traumatized me from the baby before.
not enough fluid before my epidural.
not enough milk.
too much milk.
colicky baby.
constipated baby.
pooping.
RSV.
tearing.
not sleeping.
too much baby sleeping.
missing breastpump.
missing breastpump power cord.
not enough milk.
but i said that one already.
i've had that problem more than not.
the other kids.
and how i'm going to manage them.
like will chase stop waking up at 6:19am every morning and opening and closing his door so loudly to announce his waking of the day that the neighbors can hear it?
and will he ever stop pooping in his underwear?
and the longer you're pregnant,
the more you have time to try to wrap your head around 
how to learn from what you were given the last time you did this.
like you have some sort of control over any of it.
which by the way, you don't.
except you think that maybe if you think about it enough you will.
but you don't.
because they just come.
and there's good,
and there's bad,
and when i think back on all of it,
i'm less worried and afraid and anxious about any of it.
because i know that my worries and fears and anxieties that i always have
are all just basically pointless when it comes down to it.
except usually you can't see that until you're past it.
and yet here i am with worries and fears and anxieties.
and last night when i was sitting by the pool,
watching my little babes swimming for the first time of the summer,
my feet propped up,
in the hot, windy shade of the big weed tree
that we always have to tell the neighbor not to cut down,
there was a part of me that was just so excited for all of it. 
the part of me that has visions and dreams 
of holding a little newborn baby lump on the front of me,
with a head smelling like johnson and johnson baby shampoo and pink baby lotion.
warm summer air all around.
and the smell of grass that has just been cut.
maybe there's music on the speakers hanging from the covered pavilion.
i can see brennan, max, and chase are lubed up with sunscreen, 
and swimming in the family yard pool.
hopefully with lots of cousins in the water with them
because those are always the most fun days.
especially as the dog days of summer really start to drag on.
and i'm just sitting there in one of the big comfy chairs,
rocking,
and none of the things i'm worried about right now are even there with me in that minute.
because it's just summer,
and i've got my four kids,
and it's hot out,
and i'm probably hoping troy will come out with his ice cream machine 
and homemade french fries.
and i'm tired, but it won't matter because maybe one of my cousins will be there distracting me from everything that's hard, and reminding me about everything that's not hard,
just everything that's great,
and nothing else is there except for that.
and so that's what i'm going to think about for the next 10 days.
not the snail,
not the belly i can barely haul around,
not the compression tights i'm wearing in 90*,
not max crying and whining over everything in her constant PMS state,
not brennan's 5 million friends,
not chase's 5 pairs of poop underwear,
and DEFINITELY NOT how i'm going to work a newborn into all of it.
because that's just not conducive to my peaceful pool summer dream.
remember now emily,
pool.
newborn lump.
swimming.
ice cream cones.
snow cones.
french fries.
sunscreen.
baby lotion.
focus emily, and no more worries.
because the next 10 days are gonna be really great too.
and then it's all going to change,
and the baby's gonna be 10 pounds or he's not gonna be 10 pounds,
and that's just gonna be it.
amen.
there, now i feel better:)

2 comments:

Ben and Katie Brown said...

haha I just get nervous of literally having the baby. I remember crying about a week before I had Braxton, because all of the sudden all of those pains and hardships that I had with Olivia, that I forgot about so I would have another baby... they all came back. And all of the sudden, I remember SO WELL now how awful it was to go into labor!!! Good luck! :)

Amy Involuntary said...

And all those dreams of yours, certainly came true this past summer. You are a self-fulfilling prophetess, with amazing dreams and the ability to talk down a pregnant woman. You've got skills!