master brennan.

if there could be a perfect day,

it was this day.

sean rescheduled his first patient so we could have waffles and whipped cream.

bieber's request.

but mostly,

he just ate it straight from the can.

i always loved doing that.

then miss beth graced us.

and made brennan's cake.

complete with decoration.

she really outdid herself.

again.

she is amazing.

her food blog ishere.

i am making her stir fry lettuce wraps for dinner this week.

they look amazing.

we soaked up the sun while the cakes baked.

it felt so good.

spring has sprung.

brennan was hook.

max was peter pan.
as usual.

then the grandparents and cousins came over for a cake and ice cream party.

we found brennan asleep on the floor at 9:30 last night.

i guess he was tired.

forever and for always, my baby turns 3!

brennan.

you were born at 7:29pm.

3 years ago today.

weighing 9lbs 4oz.

and 21 1/2 in. long.

i kept saying "astounding" as we were calling people to share the news that you were here.

"he was an astounding 9lbs 4oz!!!"

i couldn't believe i did it!

we did it.

i pushed for 2 hours.

and then you were here.

you were a week late.

i think you would have stayed in another week if they would have let you.

maybe you'd still be in there.

who knows.

you had the cutest little nose.

a birth mark between your eyes.

and my favorite big fat toe.

your hair looked curly when they handed you to me.

my mom showed me the soft spot on your head that first night.

i told my dad that you had his curly hair.

you do not.

it is really straight.

and a LOT of it.

it just looked curly when you came out.

i held you all night.

i never slept.

i just stared at you.

with every dream i could possibly imagine for you.

right there in my arms. 

i was scared to death.

i felt like my life had become important.

it was the most incredible feeling to be responsible for something that actually meant something.

it was you.

you made me a mother.

you made me love.

you made me become.

you were good for my soul.

you are good for my soul.

i love you.

3 years later,
you make me laugh every day.
brennan, give me my phone.
"no, my dear."
this is what you said to me on tuesday.
you love trucks.
soccer.
gymnastics.
water color painting.
dinosaurs.
your binky.
your monkey.
you call them "binky monkey."
you LOVE tv.
especially jake and the neverland pirates.
right now.
and for the past two days,
you been crazy about dumbo.
you have watched land before time #3 and #6 a gazillion times in the last two months.
you love peanut butter.
this is why i know you are my child.
you have had over 20 haircuts.
you have the greatest hair.
you always have.

you have the most beautiful big brown eys.
rosie cheeks.
perectly pink lips.
and a little button nose.

you have the greatest laugh.
it's infectious.
and makes everyone stop and adore you.
you can almost always be cheered up or coaxed into doing something you don't want to if i threaten to tickle you.
it is really funny.
you have an amazing memory.
you have over 20 book memorized.
i love to watch you finish the story on the page if i start a few words first.
it makes the teacher in my happy:)
you are very cautious.
when you don't want to eat dinner you say,
"i give up."
we have no idea where you got that.
you physically shake when scary things happen,
even if you are ok.

you have the kindest heart.
you give the best kisses.
you pucker your lips and make a kissing sound.
it is wonderful.
then you wrap your arms around us and squeeze.
it is the best feeling.
you say "i love you too" when we say i love you.
but my very favorite is when i am leaving your room and you say out of the blue, "i love you very much mommy."
it is heaven.
you are stubborn.
you are still not potty trained.
i'm hoping you learn before college.
you say your prayers and you always say,
"all by myself" in a whisper when we try to help you because you want to do everything all by yourself.
you run.
you jump.
you love to kiss and hug max.
you love to tackle your dad.
or anyone in general.
you love taking a bath.
and never want to get out.
ever.
you will eat any food if we tell you it is pirate food.
you will eat any food if we ask you if the dinosaur is hungry.
you are the dinosaur.
you love to be at home.
sometimes we will be starting the car in the garage to leave, and you will ask if we can go home.
you love watching movies.
you love to be naked.
last week i went into your room at midnight at you had unzipped your footie pajamas and taken them off.
you are really into puzzles right now.
you want to help with everything.
i am amazed at what you are capable of doing.
you are really good at sharing.
playing by yourself.
being independent.
i can leave you downstairs in the morning for an hour while i shower, get dressed, and do my hair and not have to worry about you.
it is amazing.
you love to vaccum.
but it scares you when you accidentally get the long part stuck on your skin.
but really, who wouldn't get scared by that??
you love to have your feelings recognized.
empathy for your feelings ends your tantrums.
almost every time.
you ask for a hug in stressful situations.
you also ask for a binky, monkey, movie, chocolate milk, and a story all in one sentence when you are sad, tired, or have just been hurt.

you are a beast when you are hungry.
you are inconsolable when you are hungry AND tired.
me too my friend, me too.
you love your friends.
you ask me if you can go hang out with them sometimes.
you ask for them by name.
you love to play with other kids.
you ask for chocolate milk, but it is always just regular milk.
when you want chocolate in it, you mean you want a spoonful of ovaltine and you will tell me i've forgotten the chocolate, but that is very rare.
usually you just want regular milk, but you still call it chocolate milk.
you say, "cauk-ah-wilk."
you are a sugar-holic.
you always want treats.
always.
this morning,
you wanted cookies for breakfast.
you get mad when you can't have them.
you love playing airplane.
you love playing pirate.
you love playing with me during the day.
you push max around in a box.
or on the mcqueen car.
"pway wif me" is what you say.
building parking garages.
playing race cars.
"you be this one. i be this one" is what you say.
tipping tractors.
playing dinosaurs.
you know the names of dinosaurs: sharp tooth (t-rex), triceritops, and long neck (brontosaurus).
you love to play swimming away from the crocodiles.
kitchen.
you'll cook for me in your play kitchen.
you love fire trucks and buses.
you always tell me to "catch up" to them when we are driving on the road with one.
and get mad when i have to pull over if their sirens are on.
you want me to chase them.
in the morning,
you come into our room and stand by my bed to wake me up.
asking for chocolate milk, downstairs.
you never want to get into bed with me.
i wish you would.
you tell me to get up.
and then you say,
"i know you can do it. you can do it! get up!"
in a really sweet, motivating voice.
it is darling.
i still wish you would just get into bed with me.
you have NEVER fallen asleep in our bed.
not even as a baby.
you like your space when you sleep.
you have to be in a room with no one in it to fall asleep.
you expect "purple ice cream" (berry smoothie) when we go to costco.
you love pizza/soda night on fridays.
you like to make me pancakes.
you love to stand at the kitchen counter on my childhood stool and eat chocolate chips straight from the bag while i make pancakes.
you don't really ever want to eat the pancakes anymore.
just the chocolate chips.
even when i put them in the pancakes.
you'd rather just have the chocolate chips.
you ask for quesadillas almost every day for lunch.
and breakfast.
and dinner.
you love the song "baby beluga."
it was my favorite at your age too.
i still remember singing it to you as a baby.
we would say "baby brennan" instead of "baby beluga."
now you stop me when i sing the "baby brennan" part and say,
"i not a baby, i a real boy. i a big boy. not a baby."
you can sing twinkle twinkle, the abc's, happy birthday, and the chorus to justin bieber's "baby" song.
you can dance to the beat.
and stay on beat.
you love to play pretend guitar with the Wii guitars.
especially with wilder.
you roll your eyes to the top of your head and turn around when you don't want to talk to someone.
oh boy.
we're in trouble.
you tell dad he is showering in mommy's shower, and that you want to watch a movie in mommy's house, on mommy's tv.
i secretly love it:)
you think dad's red chevy cavalier is a race car.
you worship your dad.
you worship his race car.
you think he drives lightening mcqueen.
it makes dad feel so special.
you are shy with new people for 5-10 min, and then you are playing with them and sitting in their lap.
you love playing motorcycle on our phones.
you love playing with our phones.
you LOVE to be read to.
you want to read the same story at least 3 times before we can move onto the next.
you are so
so
so
smart.
you speak so well.
you make me laugh.
you make me cry.
sometimes you make me want to scream.
you make me happy.
you make me love my life.
you make me proud.
you make me feel like the luckiest person to have ever lived.
i'm so thankful to have you in my life.
i love you my little baby brennan.
forever and for always my baby you'll be.

bieber standing by my bed.

tonight i feel like a grown up.
up until my 18th birthday,
my parents would lay out little sus's at my breakfast place to be there on my birthday morning.
not all of the presents.
just a few to make my birthday extra special before heading off to school.
oh how i LOVED my birthday on a school day.
balloons,
locker treats,
choir class singing me a birthday song,
going out to lunch,
but the breakfast sus presents always made the day complete.
almost like christmas morning.
but better.
b/c they were all for me!
bieber is getting extra spoiled this year with a little more than a few sus's.
lucky little dude.
i'm so excited for him to come into our room tomorrow morning.
he said he wanted waffles and whipped cream for breakfast.
hopefully it won't be at 3:30am.
like last night.
we finally mustered the energy to convert his crib into a toddler bed on tuesday night.
until tuesday, he had said he wanted to stay in his crib.
tuesday, he was a new man.
wanting a big boy bed.
we said we would change it when he asked.
biggest shocker is that he's napping again.
amazing.
so at 3:30am last night.
my eyes popped open to my darling little bieber standing beside my bed.
in a whispered voice i heard,
"mommy, i awake."
uh yes, i think you're right.
go back to bed, i say.
"mommy, i all done sleeping."
no sir, no, go back to bed.
"yes sir, i awake."
which is when i rolled over and started hitting sean in the arm.
or maybe the chest?
maybe the head?
i can't remember.
i just started pushing him so he would wake up and handle this.
i surely did not want to get up.
sean got out of bed
(he handles most of the nighttime stuff b/c the man literally can be awake and asleep in the middle of the night at the same time.)
i cannot.
once i'm fully up.
i'm up.
and who knows when i'm falling back to sleep.
if somebody really needs mommy,
period,
then i'm up,
but if it's a quick fix,
sean's the man.
i love him.
so sean got up,
walked around the bed,
and brennan dug his face into my armpit.
"no, i stay with mommy. i awake."
after trying to talk him into walking back on his own,
sean finally picked him up,
got him a drink downstairs,
and at some point before 4:30am got him back to bed.
and as i cleaned out my car tonight i started to think.
i already miss having little babies and toddlers.
which is odd b/c i have them right now.
what i mean,
is that i'm so in love with this baby and toddler that i don't ever want it to end.
i can be tired.
i can be frustrated and drained.
but can i please just have this baby and toddler,
where we hang out all day.
and just go about life without anything demanding us.
can we just do this always?
b/c i already miss it,
and i'm in it.
every single minute.
i am trying to drink in.
slowly.
but this is only how i'm feeling today.
b/c a month ago,
i was feeling exhausted,
overrun,
depleted,
and completely overwhelmed.
funny how it works that way.
bipolar mama is happy today.
very
very
happy today.

Twenty something with toddlers

Free firework show in my backyard.
Told Sean to come watch.
Then after 5 minutes a group of 20 teenagers came running down the sidewalk.
Sounded like the running of the bulls.
Then a few neighbors came out.
They were mad.
It takes a lot of guts to yell at teenagers in your night robe.
Then more neighbors.
Then the cops.
These were some first class illegal fireworks my friends.
And very enjoyable when it's not your teenagers!
Told Sean it's nice to watch from afar and have no responsibility.
Not our kids.
Didn't wake up our kids (amazing).
Not old enough to feel disrespected.
Maybe we could just stay twenty something with toddlers and babies forever?
Ok:)








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such a CREAK in the neck.

i use toothpaste when i have zits. it works. really well.

makes for a funny site the next morning.

tonight i can check off getting hit from behind at a red light off of my bucket list.
man am i glad.
it was truly one of my life's endeavours.
and you want to know what i'm thinking about?
the poor gentlemen that hit me.
i can't stop thinking about how badly i feel for him.
he said he had just left the mechanic from getting his brakes fixed.
guess they weren't fixed.
he kept asking me if i was ok.
my neck was sore.
and i have a headache.
and everyone just kept asking me if i was ok.
but i don't really remember anyone making sure he was ok.
it was the first thing i asked him.
he said he was.
he had a bruise on the upper left part of his forehead.
said he had slammed his head into the steering wheel.
he seemed shaken.
dizzy.
out of sorts.
couldn't stop my hands from shaking to write out the police report.
felt like jello all over.
and to top it off i was standing there soaking wet with a striped beach towel on my head (actually i unconsciously removed it before getting out of my car) b/c i was on my way home from swimming.
soaking wet, including hair, still in swimsuit under sweats makes for a chilly night in the middle of state street in utah in march.
although jan and feb would have been worse.
i think it was only in the 30's tonight.
i just wish i would have been more concerned about him.
rather than calling and texting my people.
lesson learned.
i think i'll call the officer tomorrow to see if the man is ok.
after an hour on the phone with my insurance company and his, i was given several case and claim numbers.
which by some miracle i've managed to keep all on the little business card from officer colton.
he was so kind.
so was the man that hit me.
his poor car.
it went under mine.
and after an hour with the insurance companies i was reminded by a few friends that b/c my car seats were in the car, along with whatever is rattling under my car, need to be replaced.
and i just couldn't stop thinking about this poor man.
who had by the looks of his car obviously been dealt a different fortune than myself.
it made me want to give more to others.
appreciate more what i have.
and glad i had my driver's license, current reregistration, and insurance with me.
have mercy.
...
doesn't max look different today?

 above: max growling

(she randomly does it. so i growl back. and it goes on and on back and forth

it's a little low growl that will make anyone laugh.)

 i am so blessed.

"i want pancakes sean."

brennan knows that sunday means pancakes.
sometimes waffles.
my favorite.
but he calls them both pancakes.
i put chocolate chips in them,
but brennan usually eats half of the bag standing at the counter during the process.
so this morning he bounds out of bed and wants pancakes.
sean gets out of bed first, while i linger in the waking up phase.
it always take me longer to snap out of sleep.
especially when sean is home.
so i finally mosie downstairs onto the fainting chair in the front entry.
convince sean to come keep me company,
while max plays with the airport.
from around the corner we hear,
"i want pancakes."
we say,
"ok, pancakes. we're making pancakes, just a minute."
then again,
"i want pancakes."
then the head peeks around the corner and says,
"i want pancakes sean."
we look at each other and sean says,
"did he just call me sean?"
we look back at bieber.
he says,
"i want pancakes sean."
we laugh and say,
"i think he just really did call you sean!"
so i say,
"come here and give me a kiss and we'll get up to make pancakes."
he replies,
"no, not yet. i want pancakes sean."
funny funny funny little dude.
who later stuck up for me when "sean" was squirting me with water from the dishwasher to which bieber said,
"stop doing that sean dad! stop doing that sean."
i love him.
both of them:)

also...

max tested positive for rsv today.

awesome:)

can't believe it was exactly two years ago this weekend when we went through it all with brennan.

hoping we learned enough to keep little miss max out of the hospital.

b/c even though i loved their rasberry lemonade,

it's not worth the visit to PCH.

however,

the after birth coctail they serve at st mark's.

that's another story.

counter treat

i think this means i like the red.
thanks aunt mary!