"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Friday, February 27, 2009

"f-i-n-e"


"f-i-n-e"
that's what i said when people asked how i was doing.
you know what that stands for, right?
"freaked out, insecure, neurotic, & emotional."
we love italian job.
i was angry last night.
not at anyone.
not really at anything.
just angry.
in college i learned that anger is a secondary emotion.
it always covers up the initial emotion.
whenever i feel angry, i try to figure out where it came from.
i think it came from...
exhaustion
&
fear.
exhaustion...taking care of a child with rsv.
not that much compared to some other illnesses, but still taxing.
s.d.gib is at school, studying, & then at scouts.
i love that he is doing those things.
his job is to be there.
it's still exhausting.
i'm grateful he is doing those things.
of course, i love him at home...
but there's just something magical in my eyes when i watch him be that amazing man.
the one who goes to class early.
stays late to study, so when he's home he's really home.
teaches the scouts how to be better men.
it's amazing to watch.
and then gives me a hug, telling me how much he appreciates all i do.
how tired i must be.
how amazing he thinks i am.
fear b/c i've never noticed if my child is breathing or not.
now i notice.
every breath.
so i went swimming.
i swam, and swam, and swam.
over a mile.
to a runner this is not much.
to a swimmer, it's fairly good.
with each stroke i pulled the water harder.
digging my face into the bubbles.
i didn't have to answer to anyone.
i just got to count my laps, 50, 100, 150....1750.
by the end i wasn't angry.
i was relieved.
relieved that my baby was home asleep in his crib.
and for that i am grateful.
this morning he was so much happier.
cooing, babbling, commando crawling.
still needy, still cuddly...i must admit, i like the cuddles a lot.
i am amazed at his progress.
the doctors are amazed at his progress.
the cough is still horrible.
the cough heard round the world!;-)
heart wrenching.
they tell me he looked really badly when we were at primary children's.
they tell me he looks SO much better now.
i didn't realize how stressful it all was at the time b/c i don't remember him looking all that badly.
"to me, he stinketh not." ;-)
i love that story.
thank you God for veiling my eyes.
i love this baby.
i love this man.
it is a beautiful day outside.
i'm already feeling less tired...

5 comments:

Sue said...

Oh, Emily! We really earn our stripes as mothers, don't we? But it is all so, so worth it...as I know you are already very much aware.

By the way, I fully agree with your analysis of the anger...exhaustion and fear, exactly. And now the fear is receding, and the exhaustion will, too. Until next time, of course.

Welcome to motherhood! The best, most taxing, most energizing job on earth.

=)

Ryan and Melissa said...

Swimming was a good idea. My mom always says when I'm frustrated to go do something for someone else who has it worse...or go "get it out" of my system by doing something physical. I love the pork loin. In fact, so much that Ryan I make reading your blog a routine each night. He's obsessed with "cheeks" aka tender loin aka quarter pounder. Love u girl. Hang in there...you're a good mommy! :)

Natalie said...

I am so relieved things are on the up and up! Like Sue, I enjoyed your anger=something else you are feeling. You are such a wonderful wife and mother. Here's to a relaxing weekend on the horizon! :)

Jocelyn and Daniel said...

cuddle are great. If I could be like one of those people that pronounce a blessing on others when they say goodbye, I think I'd pronounce cuddles. Cuddles upon you and your household.

cuddles

The Cuties' Mommy said...

I am so glad he is on his way to recovery. RSV sure is yucky! Take care and continue the lots and lots of cuddles!