i think i had Postpartum Depression.

i think i had Postpartum Depression.

pork loin, 2 weeks old, skinny loin, before AZ

mainly b/c of all of this:

brennan, 8 weeks of age, before AZ

i was amazed that i had this adorable little bundle, but i remember wishing i could have had someone else's baby.
this sounds insane to me now!
there was a baby born in our neighborhood 2 weeks before the pork loin.
when brennan was 5 weeks old i finally took him to church for the first time.
not b/c i necessarily wanted to.
i guess i did want to.
i wanted to show off my cutie pie.
i wanted to be around people.
i wanted to get out of my house.
i think i was secretly hoping someone would save me.
this couldn't possibly be normal.
doesn't someone have some sort of drug or mommy trick?
i knew someone would tell me something simple to do.
i must have missed something.
there must have been something the nurses at the hospital had forgotten to tell me.
brennan would cry for 4-5 hours a day.
it was awful!
i coped.
i survived by making a perch out of our recliner chair.
everything i needed was within an arms reach.
remotes, water, snacks, burp clothes, blankets, heater, books, binkies.
i would rock brennan for hours to get him to sleep while he screamed bloody murder.
the picture above is very reminiscent of the first 10 weeks of brennan's life.
AND basically reminiscent of how i felt inside.
so when i took him to church at 5 weeks i could barely hold the sobs in.
i just wanted to cry. hard.
but i didn't want anyone to think anything was wrong.
yet deep down i knew something was.
i thought i was just doing something wrong.
that i really didn't have that mothering instinct thing they talked about.
someone else could definitely be doing this better.
but i didn't want to go home.
so for 3 hours of church brennan screamed and i smiled.
trying to not burst into tears.
we have this one hour of church where all of the women meet together and discuss a specific church topic each week. it's this wonderful society of women, and i was terrified of what they would think.
so this baby born 2 weeks before brennan?
he slept. in his car seat. his mom rocked him.
who happens to be my good friend
the entire time, not a peep. i remember wishing i could trade! trade their personalities. trade secrets. how did she get him to do that???????

i think i told her about this? i hope soooo....otherwise reading it on the blog for the first time...awkward!
why me? why did i have to get this screaming one?
this is WAY harder than teaching.
i was exhausted.
run down.
at 3 weeks old i told sean i just wanted to put him back inside for one night.
i was too overwhelmed.
and ready to lose it.
on top of not being able to get my baby to stop crying, nursing was not going well.
i didn't have enough milk. nursing was excruciating.
i had always heard newborns slept all of the time.
you could go to movies, lunches, and basically relax.
HA!
my child always cried. always.
he screamed, and i couldn't get him to stop.
so many people had advice.
which made me feel even worse b/c i felt like i had no idea what i was doing.
i was embarrassed.
and i felt isolated.

why did no one tell me that babies don't always fall asleep when they're tired?????
these were my pre-blogging days, although i doubt i would have opened up about it then
thank goodness for grandmothers.
all of the dreams i had of motherhood were not being fulfilled.
when brennan was 8 weeks old we took two trips: iowa & arizona.
arizona saved us!!!
my sister in law saw what was going on and told me in a loving way, "this has to stop."
she helped us sleep train brennan, took me to a breastfeeding store, and helped me begin leading brennan as a parent, rather than just following him.
i began looking at motherhood as something i could do.
i practiced proactive parenting, rather than reactive parenting.
"parent-led" was a phrase we got to know well.
finally brennan was napping in his crib.
this sounds like it was all of a sudden and easy, but it was not.
however, it was SOOO worth it.
by 6 months of age i began to feel well again.
nursing was no longer hurting.
i felt confident.
i knew what my child needed.
i finally got to enjoy him.
which is exactly what i've been doing ever since.
so if you think i'm ultra positive and optimistic, maybe even unrealistic about life and motherhood, you're right.
i am.
b/c i'm soaking up every second.
and when the tough and not so enjoyable seconds happen i have the memory of how challenging things were in the beginning to appreciate how great things are now.
i've realized life is for the taking.
so i am reaching out and grabbing for it.
.
.
.
.
.
and i learned far too much about nursing and milk supply. apparently my nickname is "emily, she's your breastfriend."
thanks?
so if you need help in that department, i'm your breastfriend;-)