"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Thursday, February 25, 2010

having my cake, and eating it too.

i am completely overwhelmed.
i'm sure sleep would help, but somehow i've become too exhausted and overwhelmed to even accomplish that.
i fed max at 4am and have yet to fall back asleep.
i wish i could say that i've gotten to this point by trying to do it all, but i don't even think i can claim that.
although, i'm sure my family gives me far too much credit for what they think i'm doing all day to agree with me about not doing it all.
they will tell you i am trying to do too much.
if taking a shower every day is doing too much, then i'm definitely guilty as charged.
i've switched into survival mode.
feeling like my head is just bobbing above the water.
i remember the 3 week mark with brennan.
i lost it about then too.
it all got better when brennan started sleeping through the night.
i know it's just the sleep.
and having to change my life.
i'm not good with change.
i like routine.
once i can find a new routine and some sleep things will improve.
when i think back to this time with brennan i can say that i should have not let my emotions get the best of me.
i cry when i'm exhausted.
i wish i didn't, but i do.
i've cried a lot in the last 12 hours.
poor sean.
i'm amazed at what the last week has done to me.
dang, even a few days ago i still felt great.
i just want to push pause for 9 hours so i can get a nice long rest and clear my head.
thank goodness my family is coming next weekend.
i need the relief.
right now, i'm dreading the day ahead.
is it 6pm yet and time for sean to come home???
even though i know this is just a fleeting moment to enjoy, my brain is telling me i'm not going to make it.
at the same time, it's telling me i'm being ridiculous.
it's just the sleep.
the lack of sleep.
i'm sure i'm not the only person to have ever felt this way...
still, for some reason it feels embarrassing to feel this way.
like i should be stronger than this.
like i shouldn't be letting the lack of sleep get to me.
not wanting to change the fact that i have two children, just wanting the ease of one back.
or at least the easy toddler i had before i had two.
i don't want the life of one back.
the life of two is better.
i just want it all to be fixed now.
i want the adjustment phase over.
without any of the work, lol.
how's that for having my cake and eating it too;-)
(at least brennan is wearing the huggie's overnighters.)


CJ Sime said...

You have my sympathy! I am impressed you are thinking clear enough to know that this will get better when she sleeps through the night.

Good Luck! Don't be too hard on yourself!!!!

Sue said...

I was always a wreck till I could get some sleep, too. And I started encouraging that rather stridently by the time my babies were 2 months old.

Hang in there. It IS just the lack of sleep. So make sure you get a lot of it when your family comes!


Jess said...

Truly Em-lack of sleep can do lots of crazy things to your emotional state, I hope you can get a good nap today.

keri said...

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. At least you recognize it for what it is though. Just remember that it will pass, I know that's probably the last thing you want to hear, but it will. Pretty soon you will be a mother of two pro and you'll wonder why it was so hard in the first place. That's when you will have your third ;0) Keep your chin up, and call me if you ever want to talk or walk or sit in the back yard. I'm always game :)

Emmy said...

No we all totally feel like this at first just not enough people talk about it. Especially ladies in the church, as they want to look like the perfect moms and that everything is great and wonderful and it often isn't. But hang in there, as you know it does get better.. but yeah it just really really sucks too

Amy said...

Thank heavens for family who can come help you, right? I am praying for you and your zombie like life. Isn't it funny how much sleep can affect you? And how much harder it is with two? These feelings are not feelings to be ashamed of as all mothers feel right before they get their groove back. I am praying for you! And Max to sleep through the night.

Missy said...

Em- I'm now officially terrified. I react exactly the same way you do. I'm so OCD about routine and smooth flow. I'm doomed. At least I know this ahead of time and can hopefully "let go". Let's be honest...I'm going to FLIP! Too bad we're not at the same stage bc I'd call you during those early mornings and we could BAWL together. By the time I'm going through it...you'll be back to breezy eazzy. Love you, friend.

Levi and Katie Hansen said...

Em! I really hope things get better for you soon! I don't know how you are doing it! If we lived closer I would totally be there:( Hopefully you can get into your new groove! I am sure it will help!

Dana said...

It was like this for me, too. And for some reason I wouldn't ask for help. Yesterday my friend told me that while adjusting to a new baby her only two goals are: 1. nobody naked, 2. nobody hungry. (She had her 4th baby the same day you had Max.) Keep your expectations low, and things might start to feel better. I wish I were there to help you out!

Katie said...

Don't forget your hormones are still all jacked up.

I know how it is...you want to be able to be on top everything yourself (with no help from others) again. Like NOW.

Danny, Jen, Kadee, Kambrie and Lillian said...

Man, honestly, by week three it is like you have been kicked in the *#$!!! I am so sorry. I think that I was so unfair to my older kids for weeks 3-uh like 12? Everything they did seemed like the biggest deal. And poor Danny... he was such a trooper, just acting like my reactions to things were justified, although I think he thought... what in the world?!? And then, I would go stand in the shower and let it out... I would cry and cry and cry and cry... It sucks. Bottom line. And I hope SO much that Max starts sleeping longer soon... and I hope that you can let yourself lay down at nap time.. If not to nap, to watch Oprah or something. You deserve it! I had to realize that I had to stop blaming myself for not keeping it all together and that as long as we all made it through the day, fed and dressed alone... It was a success. The laundry and mess can wait. I realized that my kids are so resilient and that they love me no matter what. Now, those months seems like a long lost memory.. and it was only 4 months ago. That must be how they get you to do this again! XOXO