WHAT IF

WHAT IF the milk is drying up again,

and WHAT IF Dean and I might just not even like nursing anymore?

(It's so weird how I feel like it's illegal to say you don't like breastfeeding. Especially when you thought you liked it before, and maybe you did, but maybe you don't anymore. I think I might not like breastfeeding anymore.)

Like WHAT IF we actually like bottles? 

And WHAT IF we actually might be considering (I can't believe I'm even saying this) quitting nursing?

At 4 months in. 

Bc we just don't like nursing?

Like I can't even believe I'm saying this, except for you know that whole thing I said about when times are turbulent,

slow down?

And I thought all along that if i just went slow in the beginning we could speed up after a slow start,

And I thought that meant slow down to nurse your baby and make sure you have lots of amazing breastmilk to feed them for an entire year bc that's what you do?

Well, WHAT IF it slowing down means getting rid of something that's just not turning out like you planned?

Like it WAS working,

But maybe now it's not working. 

Maybe it's not done working,

But maybe if it was done working you'd be like, this might actually be better than it working?

And WHAT IF it means you have the chance to do what you never planned,

And WHAT IF the unplanned thing actually turns out to be something better than you planned???

Just saying...

Dean and me,

We're thinking about it. 

necessities.

binky.

burp cloth.

hands together.

i wanna be dean.

in the simple life.

even though they were nothing fancy

today, 

all my dreams came true.

when max got mad at brennan,

for not letting her play freeze tag the way she wanted to.

or maybe he got her out in their imaginary game of baseball?

anyway, she stomped off the field,

sat down in front of me on the bleachers next to dean in his stroller,

and simply asked me,

"will you play with my hair?"

{this is the first time she's ever asked me to do this, you see--and i've basically been waiting for this moment forever and not even KNOWN i was waiting for this moment forever. 

have you ever had one of those before?}

she didn't look up at me.

her eyes were on the boys out in the field the entire time.

her voice was something like aggigated, fed up, and happy to have a reason to sit down all at once.

i will never forget that moment for my whole entire life.

after i french braided her hair twice,

and let it go twice,

she ran over to get her barbie scooter,

and we all walked home.

brennan was yelling at somebody,

chase was crying because he was thirsty,

then max started crying because brennan ran over her left pinky toe with his bike {on accident},

and sean and i were just looking at each other chuckling {we slept really well last night, you see, and when you sleep well, you can handle chaos of this nature with much more humor than if you hadn't},

and i just couldn't help but BEAM from ear to ear.

like i was floating up in the clouds around that park,

but the tennis courts and the water fountain.

these are the days.

the good old days.

right now:)

{you've never seen anybody as fast as chase ray on a trike. he rides it like his HOG. 

like a BOSS on his HOG. i love him for it.}

and somewhere in the middle of all of that,

i looked down at my feet,

and the leaves,

even though they were nothing fancy,

and it all literally took my breath away with dean looking right at me.

i wish every sunday could be this good.

the brennan show

{insert brennan singing a taylor swift song here.}

SENIOR year{s}

top: 19

bottom left: 21

bottom right: 16 {my first driver's license picture}

...

this week i helped host a senior luncheon for all of the ladies in our neighborhood who 

"consider themselves to be seniors."

this is what we say when the gal's ask "what age are seniors anyway?"

we are smart and don't say an age:)

our span was 55's-90's for our guests,

with a few of us lucky ones in our thirties there 

to bring soup and bread sticks for the october themed spread.

i made my pumpkin chocolate chip cookies.

they are always a fan favorite at the senior luncheon.

i make plenty so the women can take a cookie or two for themselves, 

and then take a cookie or two back to their husbands at the end.

some of the gal's needed to be wheeled over in their wheelchairs.

others just like an arm to hold.

last year i got to escort elizabeth there and back.

she showed me her hats.

i will always remember elizabeth for her hats.

me and everyone else to have ever known her i'm sure!

linda had her daughter take pictures of elizabeth in all of her hats,

and wrote down where the hats came from and the names of some.

and then they bound a professional book of it all.

i got to see the book for the first time yesterday,

and let me tell you, when i talked to her on the phone today about it with her,

i couldn't wait to ask her about the one her husband brought back to her from IRAN.

it was QUITE the story, believe me.

i swore my secrecy of its origination,

if i told you, 

i'd have to kill you;)

you get the idea.

then we talked about two books we've loved reading,

and how we can't wait to do the luncheon all over again next year.

these women have so many stories to tell,

and i wish i could hear them all.

so about this luncheon.

this year i was running out and back to gather max from kindergarten,

which meant no wheeling anybody over, 

BUT i did make it just in time for my favorite part.

the part where the ladies tell us all of their secrets on life.

i promise you,

there are no smarter people on this planet than these gals in their "senior" years.

kara and brittany brought pumpkins from their front porches,

and orange and yellow vines of leaves that they laid through the center of the tables.

there was chicken noodle soup, pumpkin curry soup, tomato basil Parmesan soup, and sausage soup

all in crockpots warming by the windows.

and the bread sticks!

let me tell you about the bread sticks!!!

there's really only one word you need to know and it's BUTTER:)

then we had pink lemonade and ice water.

but the thing that made the entire shin dig for me were the questions.

really, i guess it was the answers.

each woman, all seated around two long rectangular table clothed tables,

took one conversation question from a basket,

and we all ate soup, after soup, after soup,

and they answered them.

one sister talked about how her favorite pie was lemon pie as a girl,

and it STILL is.

{when her husband came to wheel her back home, he said it was his favorite too.}

another sister talked about visiting every continent except for Antarctica,

and how traveling was the best advice anyone had ever given her.

elizabeth talked about the 4 missions she and her husband had served together.

she also brought a picture of them together on their first mission--NO HAT!

that's what i said to her because i've never seen her without a hat.

sister kapp told us about all of the joys and tragedies she'd been through this year with death of her husband and several other family members, and then the joys of grandchildren getting marriaged, having babies, and going on missions.

she and i always talk about how we were meant 

to be best friends, and we really really mean it.

alice couldn't make it,

but she is like a mother to me,

and oh how i love hugs from alice!

another gal said that after raising 8 children she wished she could go back and tell herself 

to be LESS patient with her children,

which i thought was interesting because everyone almost always says they wish they would have had more of that, not less.

{she said even now that her kids are all grown and raised and thriving,

they even say they didn't have it bad at all--this was pretty cute i thought}

but not her,

she said she thinks she was too nice.

and she didn't say it in a sad way,

but in a thoughtful way.

and even though all of her children turned out great,

she thinks she should have been a little more firm.

this really resonated with me.

and as i sat there listening to these wonderful women,

with all of their wisdom,

i just felt lucky.

lucky to be in their presence.

lucky to call them friends.

lucky to be in a room with so much experience.

i wished we could have stayed all day,

but before we knew it,

the husbands were there to escort their sweethearts home,

and the girlfriends were arm and arm out the doors, and back to their condos together,

trying not to spill the soup and cookies they were taking to their other friends 

who couldn't make it to the luncheon that day.

so as we were cleaning up, 

i was thinking.

thinking about what i wished i could tell my younger self,

and as i'm looking as these old driver's licenses and college id's this morning,

i'm wishing i could tell my younger self to be more kind.

mostly more kind to myself,

although i'm sure i could always be a little more kind to others too.

i want to tell myself to enjoy my sleep,

and to learn to go to be earlier, EARLIER than learning it at 32 at least;)

{also, take that trip to europe with sean that your parents offered you, 

and get married in the fall instead of the spring! ha!}

i want to tell my younger self that in ten years i will literally be living my dreams 

every 

single 

day!

and it's gonna be hard, but it's gonna be great,

so don't worry about how it is all gonna get there as much

{i spent a lot of time worrying if this would all ever get to be this, and it did,

and how SILLY it was that i spent so much time worrying about it all!}.

and now i'm sitting here thinking about what i would tell myself now,

if it were ten years from now.

or 50 years from now.

i think i'd say,

enjoy it.

keep enjoying it.

remember to enjoy the children in their own little phases.

enjoy them separately.

enjoy them together.

be a little more firm,

and maybe not always as patient.

be quick to apologize,

and keep a soft heart always.

even and especially when you just want it to be hardened.

and last but not least,

perspective.

always give yourself time for some perspective.

it will make all the difference in the world.

{the "A-team" aka max and brennan are in park city with grandma and grandpa and the "B-team" aka dean and chase are here with me living the simple life of baby and 3yr old. 

OH how i've missed just being with little littles!!! heaven I TELL YOU! this moment brought to you by UEA and grandparents. THIS IS BLISS!!!!!!}

always

september was rough.

i felt like i was constantly drowning.

like i was in this state of ongoing anxiety

that wouldn't even leave me alone when i was sleeping.

i kept thinking,

i see why people take prozac.

and then i started thinking,

maybe i need some prozac!

remember the eggs that needed mayo?

that was my breaking point.

and somewhere along the way my milk all but dried up.

and somewhere in there i cried about all of it while making sewing cards at a relief society activity i had helped plan at the church.

very therapeutic, i assure you.

5 days of pumping and a couple of early bedtimes later,

my milk was back.

heavens don't make me do that again.

the making my body think it was nursing 12 times a day part.

don't make me do THAT part again.

the early bedtime part though.

i like that part.

THAT part can stay.

and stay forever:)

i just keep doing over and over and over again,

going to sleep early.

like 9pm guys.

i go to bed at 9pm.

and i keep wondering why it took me four kids to figure this secret of sleep out until now???

i don't watch tv.

it's weird.

who have i become???

a person that sleeps 8 hours a night,

that's who:)

so when my boobs wake me up at 6am,

and i lay there for an hour waiting for my alarm or my baby to get me up,

i'm not even mad about it.

because if there's one thing nursing 4 babies has taught me,

it's that having too much milk is always the problem you wanna have.

ALWAYS:) 

and also,

a baby that sleeps in 12 hours stretches:)

at 4 months old.

on an only breastmilk diet.

who ever even HEARD of something like that before???

god bless baby dean:)

and god bless sleep.

it cures all the world's problems overnight.

{my money's on hazel, by the way.}

gotta keep 'em guessing with my lazy eye;)

"mom!!! are you looking 

two places at once????" -brennan

gotta keep 'em guessing with my lazy eye.

legitimately freaking people out since elementary school.

bahahahaha!

NO EGGS!!!!! {how to make pumpkin chocolate chip cookies the RIGHT way}

want to know the secret to AMAZING pumpkin chocolate chip cookies?

listening ears on?

are you ready?

.

.

.

.

.

NO EGGS.

there. that's it.

now go forth, and make these!

and don't let me EVER hear you used eggs with your pumpkin cookies EVER again!

you're welcome:)

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies

2 cups brown sugar

2 cups pumpkin

1 cup oil

3 tsp vanilla

4 cups flour

2 tsp baking soda

2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp nutmeg

½ tsp ginger

2 cups chocolate chips

Mix all together. Bake 350 for 12-13 minutes.

NO EGGS!!!!!

conference report!

i think my kids might finally be conference trained!!!

like, i sat through ALL four sessions

AND

took notes ALL four sessions.

sean and i kept looking at each other like,

is this for real?

could this REALLY be possible?

i'm hear to say,

it's real!

it took 7 long years,

but something finally clicked:)

also, max learned to do dishes,

and we now have life sized yellow box humans scattered around our house.

along with about one hundred thousand and three small yellow squares that despite my very valiant efforts to discard, keep popping up in every corner still days later.

which is great!

because they were clipping away,

while we were listening to conference:)

no phones or ipads were utilized in the making of the process.

i'm so proud i could burst. 

{i found dean this way: brennan fessed up and said 

he dressed him that way b/c dean is such a bandit. ha!}

 i feel like a million bucks.

can every weekend be conference?

{this is the BEST way to describe him}

reasons why 

i'm the luckiest gal 

in the world:

1. for the first 7 years we were married he let me put my feet on his stomach when they were ICY cold to warm them up {one word: REXBURG}.

2. he does diapers and burping in the middle of the newborn night {always has, still does--he does get back to sleep duty with max. it's a gift. believe me.}

3. every day he calls me at some point just to see how i'm doing.

4. he let me talk him into have a 4th baby {i MAY have caught him in a moment of weakness, but he tells me now he's so glad i did! right sean?! RIGHT?!--no really though;)...he does!}

5. he is the BEST father.

6. he never has to worry about what he says or does because his integrity and character is just THAT strong.

7. in the dictionary {what are those???}, next to "hard working" there is a picture of him.

8. he gets along with everybody, and i mean EVERYBODY.

9. he is SO thoughtful and considerate AND LOYAL to me as his wife.

10. he loves his mother {which is what makes him such a good husband}.

.

.

.

i could go on and on and on with a list of 100 things and STILL not be done 

with this amazing man of mine! HAPPY HAPPY TO MY ADORABLY HANDSOME 

{this is the BEST way to describe him} SEAN SEAN!!!