yellow cake with chocolate frosting.
did you know it took us 2 years to get pregnant with brennan?
thank you clomid. (did i spell that right? or is there an "h" in there???)
thank you Father in Heaven.
for 2 years my heart ached. i know, dramatic, but really, i wanted to be a mother more than anything. i was so afraid i would never be able to be pregnant. ironic too b/c once i was pregnant i didn't fancy it as much as i thought i would. now that i'm not pregnant it seems so magical again. it must be that glow from afar;-)
everyone kept saying, "oh, but you're so young! enjoy this time, it will happen."
so easy to say. not so easy to hear.
the tears, OH the tears!
everywhere i looked i saw babies. everyone i knew seemed to be having a baby (i lived in idaho. rexburg, idaho. there are lots of babies there.).
i taught 3rd grade in rexburg. i loved my students. i poured my heart and soul into their success. it was a great year.
i can remember feeling like i would die if i had to go to one more baby shower. after my 7th friend (yes, 7th, who happened to be family) told me she was pregnant i had to pass the phone off with an excuse. i could barely hold the tears in. it's still tender to write about...mainly b/c i know my family is reading what i'm writing;-).
i prayed, attended the temple, searched for strength, received strength. strength i have drawn upon in the past year. strength that has continued to grow.
yet, i'm still nervous. nervous for those emotions to return.
despite the level of difficulty a big family brings, i want nothing more than lots of little kids running around my house. this is scaring sandie;-) it's not for everyone, and maybe it's not for me, but for now, it's my dream. i like my dream. maybe because i was an only child (this can be a confusing statement b/c i talk about my brother and sister on my blog. they are step siblings that i grew up with). i love having people around me. i love my alone time, but i absolutely love being surrounded by people. now, i'm not talking 14 kids people. i KNOW i don't want 14 kids;-) it's just not for me.
i don't know how many i want. sometimes i think about all of the reasons it took us 2 years to get brennan. there have been so many insights i've gained. so many lessons i've learned. some to share, some to not.
to share: i love motherhood. (deep breaths family ,deep breaths)
let me dream for now:-) it feels good to dream. i'm not having all of them at once.
just one at a time.
and we'll see.
i know for sure that being a mother has changed my life. it's made me a better person. a stronger woman. it has pushed me to change in ways i never thought possible. to be more tired than i knew existed. to feel successes and failures in the same moments. to put someone else first, above and beyond serving my sean. i love my sean. i don't want to leave him out of the puzzle. he is the finishing piece.
so tonight, i'm laying it all out.
b.c i like you;-)