"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

"a pirate's life for me!" saavy?


yellow cake with chocolate frosting.
that's how we roll.
time: 7:25pm
status: tired
the following occured...

did you know it took us 2 years to get pregnant with brennan?

it did.

thank you clomid. (did i spell that right? or is there an "h" in there???)

thank you Father in Heaven.

for 2 years my heart ached. i know, dramatic, but really, i wanted to be a mother more than anything. i was so afraid i would never be able to be pregnant. ironic too b/c once i was pregnant i didn't fancy it as much as i thought i would. now that i'm not pregnant it seems so magical again. it must be that glow from afar;-)

everyone kept saying, "oh, but you're so young! enjoy this time, it will happen."

so easy to say. not so easy to hear.

the tears, OH the tears!

everywhere i looked i saw babies. everyone i knew seemed to be having a baby (i lived in idaho. rexburg, idaho. there are lots of babies there.).

i taught 3rd grade in rexburg. i loved my students. i poured my heart and soul into their success. it was a great year.

i can remember feeling like i would die if i had to go to one more baby shower. after my 7th friend (yes, 7th, who happened to be family) told me she was pregnant i had to pass the phone off with an excuse. i could barely hold the tears in. it's still tender to write about...mainly b/c i know my family is reading what i'm writing;-).

i prayed, attended the temple, searched for strength, received strength. strength i have drawn upon in the past year. strength that has continued to grow.

yet, i'm still nervous. nervous for those emotions to return.

despite the level of difficulty a big family brings, i want nothing more than lots of little kids running around my house. this is scaring sandie;-) it's not for everyone, and maybe it's not for me, but for now, it's my dream. i like my dream. maybe because i was an only child (this can be a confusing statement b/c i talk about my brother and sister on my blog. they are step siblings that i grew up with). i love having people around me. i love my alone time, but i absolutely love being surrounded by people. now, i'm not talking 14 kids people. i KNOW i don't want 14 kids;-) it's just not for me.

i don't know how many i want. sometimes i think about all of the reasons it took us 2 years to get brennan. there have been so many insights i've gained. so many lessons i've learned. some to share, some to not.

to share: i love motherhood. (deep breaths family ,deep breaths)

let me dream for now:-) it feels good to dream. i'm not having all of them at once.

just one at a time.

and we'll see.

i know for sure that being a mother has changed my life. it's made me a better person. a stronger woman. it has pushed me to change in ways i never thought possible. to be more tired than i knew existed. to feel successes and failures in the same moments. to put someone else first, above and beyond serving my sean. i love my sean. i don't want to leave him out of the puzzle. he is the finishing piece.

so tonight, i'm laying it all out.

why?

b.c i like you;-)

14 comments:

Sue said...

I'm glad you were blessed with Brennan and hope you will be blessed a few more times...

=)

Natalie said...

I like you too! First of all, LOVE the birthday pictures. It looks like you all had a blast. And, your choice of cake happens to be a favorite of my hubby and eleven year old. Did you gush your boy's cheeks for me?

I thought the rest of your post was beautiful. So heartfelt and tender. Any child would be blessed to have you as his/her mother.
Hugs and love to you.

bitterfamily said...

Emily, Thanks for the insight. That is exactly what I have and am going through! We have been trying for about 2 years, I did my first round of Clomid and am currently on my second. It seems as if I am the only one out of family/friends who does not have a kid, and it is hard, very hard. I just know, like you, that there must be a reason,and when the time is right it will happen. Thanks for your thoughts, they were very encouraging!

The Cuties' Mommy said...

What cute pictures!!! The cake looked so delicious I wanted to eat it up through the screen - Happy Birthday Brennan!

Gilbert Family said...

wow. didnt know all that. i can totally see family freaking out at that. ours does everytime we talk about another. haha. if you look at the blog below, the two preggo pics are next to each other! i have a friend in my ward who tried for 6 years. yikes! but then their little guy came. we just have to remember that its in HIS timing, not always ours. but... baby b WILL be a great BIG brother someday! terrorize and teach. haha.

Amy said...

What sweet thoughts on motherhood. Thank you for sharing them with me. I hope you have many many more kids.

Reading Family said...

I completely understand all the heartache, tears, frustrations, and anger that you have gone through! It definately isn't easy to go through that trial. Thank you for listening to me vent a few months ago about my own situation! I guess there are always life lessons to be learned. And your little man will have siblings...no worries!

Proudfeet said...

Emily was so so beautifully writen! I am sure it will help others in your similar situation!

Ben and Katie Brown said...

so your post made it sound like you are prego again?? i know how you feel though. ben and i tried for a while. it is heart renching!! glad the bday was fun!

em said...

katie,
no mam! no news! harness those rumors;-)

Fiauna said...

Clomid. Been there. Done that. Two times, actually. Four kids later, I couldn't be happier. BTW yellow cake+chocolate frosting=yummy!

Lauren said...

What a fun party!! I love the pictures-- and the birthday cake video-- very funny!!
I feel like that too (though we haven't started "trying" yet)--- like I want a baby sooo badly... but I know the timing just isn't right quite yet for me, for many different reasons... I do hope when the time comes, it comes quickly... but like Stacy said, in His time, not ours...
Hope you have a little brood running around your house in good time! You are a wonderful mother!

Tiffany said...

We struggled for almost 5 years trying to have a baby. Hence the triplets from IVF :) Then my little Sophie was a SURPRISE! Trust me, I know about the pain and anguish. Maybe I needed to learn patience? We just don't know what the plan is. Keep up the good work.

Buckeye Nut said...

Emily, you are awesome! I love that you put a lot of "you" into this blog. My sister has had difficulties getting pregnant too and has had to have a little help (clomid). She now is getting ready to have her 3rd. I've been on the side of not sure what to say when we've found out we were expecting and knew she had been trying so hard. It's a double edged sword. It has been a blessing though, I think with me it has helped me to be a little more compassionate and a little more grateful.

Brennan's pics are so adorable! Looks like he had a fun time despite not feeling 100%. Hope to see you guys soon :)